Tuesday, March 03, 2009

The New 100

Since I started this blog, I've done the 100 list twice. Some things have changed, so I thought I'd get rid of the old...and make a new. There are still a few things on this list that were on the old ones...but for the most part, I think it's new material:

1. I twirl my hair and/or rub the bridge of my nose when I'm nervous.

2. I procrastinate...all the time. Even right this second I'm procrastinating.

3. My car often doubles as a dumpster. I only clean it when it starts to become REALLY offensive.

4. I am habitually late to everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

5. Most of my embarrassing moments involve nudity.

6. Everyone thinks I'm a horrible driver. I'm not, but I prefer they think I am. I'm not sure why.

7. The only bone I've ever broken was my right, middle toe. If I ever broke something major, I'd probably make a complete ass of myself...crying, screaming, and generally being a big baby.

8. My bestfriend thinks I tell her everything. I don't. Sometimes I'd like to. But I don't.

9. I've mastered the art of reading (and retaining what I've read) while doing just about anything. I'd probably read during boring sex if I could get away with it.

10. Sometimes I chase my 16 year old sister around and attempt to dismember her. I know it's not very dignified or adult, but I do it anyway.

11. I'm generally a very calm person, despite my blogging tirades.

12. I am probably the clumsiest person that ever lived. I trip over paper clips. My poor daughter has inherited my klutz gene.

13. I once blew up a glass baking dish on the stove. I was trying to make rice krispy treats and I thought you were supposed to put the glass dish on the eye of the stove and melt everything in it. BOOM! Glass, marshmallows, and krispies everywhere.

14. I'm addicted to reality TV. Just typing that makes me feel unintelligent.

15. Sometimes when I read a particularly nasty sex scene in a novel, I look around like I'm guilty. Same for watching movies.

16. My room looks like it should be quarantined. My office is as neat as a pin.

17. I only have phone sex while drunk. I think it's embarrassing and could never say things like that over the phone...but I have no problem saying things like that in person.

18. I dance in the shower.

19. I have a cat that drools. His name is Nugget. I named him after marijuana.

20. I love Jack Daniels. I never drink anything other than Jack Daniels unless there is absolutely no choice. That doesn't include shots. You buy them, I'll take them.

21. I daydream daily.

22. If someone throws up in front of me, chances are, I'll be doing it too.

23. Swimming is the only sport I really like to do. Football is the only sport I can actually tolerate watching.

24. I took karate when I was little...until my mother made me quit and take dance lessons. I hated her for that.

25. Occasionally I Google myself and thank god every time nothing shows up.

26. I'm addicted to coffee.

27. I think Starbucks is ridiculous.

28. I'll wear a pair of cute shoes even if they hurt my feet.

29. One of my favorite places in the world is my front porch. I'll sit out there even when it's 20 degrees....and I hate the cold.

30. I have two tattoos. One is the result of winning a bet with my bestfriend(yes winning). The other I got on my birthday while in Oklahoma. Both are stories I never want my daughter to hear.

31. I always considered myself a movie buff. REAL movie buffs always tell me how wrong I am.

32. When someone asks me if I speak Spanish, I always say "a little". And it's true. I know numbers, colors, months, days, and a few choice phrases. Such as, "Where's my monkey" and "I have a big cat in my pants". Why I remember those phrases instead of the more important ones I learned in three years of Spanish is up for debate.

33. I listen to Barry Manilow's Christmas album every year while putting up the tree...and sing like a psycho. It's my secret shame.

34. I referred to Nip/Tuck as my 'soft porn'.....until I saw Secretary with James Spader. Oooh yes.

35. I have extremely poor eyesight. I'm somewhere around negative 5.50.

36. I'm as generous as I am selfish. If that makes any sense...

37. I'm pretty sure that part of the reason I dislike my father so much is because I'm a lot like him...and he's a sorry bastard. I invest a lot of time trying to be as different from him as possible. There are still uncomfortable similarities.

38. I used to hate wearing high heels, until I saw how great they made my legs look.

39. I seem more vain than I actually am.

40. I would like to put the obligatory "once I got so drunk that I _____" story on here...but I can't choose between them all.

41. I once slapped a man in the face during sex. He works with my cousin and I see him and his friends / co-workers frequently. They nicknamed me the 'man beater'. He deserved it, but they didn't want to hear about that part.

42. When I was in high school and always in the middle of drama (like most teenage girls), my mother always told me that one day I would find a true friend that would be with me for the rest of my life. I met her four years ago.

43. Make up, sunglasses, purses, and panties are my top material weaknesses. In that order.

44. I still "secretly" lust after my daughter's father. (I refuse to say baby's daddy.) He's a complete asshole and unfortunately the best lay I've ever had.

45. Go figure: best lay = knocked up.

46. I prefer the summer to any other season.

47. I love living by a lake. I might as well have been born a fish.

48. I actually enjoy going to strip clubs. Sometimes my friends are a little difficult to persuade into going....so I throw out that it's the only place that's still serving alcohol. It usually works.

49. I love to bake. I take out all the ingredients, bowls, measuring utensils, and what have you before doing anything. Everything has to be lined up just so. Directions followed to the letter. It's only one of three things in my life I'm obsessive compulsive about.

50. The other two are showers and my office.

51. I've been a bridesmaid twice. I don't like weddings in general, but I really don't like being in them. The only good thing about a wedding is an open bar.

52. I took a two week trip to Spain years ago and I've been dying to go again ever since.

53. I've always wanted to write a novel. I've attempted several times to get started and scrapped all of them. I'm afraid it will suck and then I'll have nothing left to dream about.

54. I hate when I take my daughter somewhere (read: birthday party, school event, grocery store) and I get into a conversation with another mother and one of the first questions they ask me is, "What does your husband do?" Bitch, please.

55. I will never marry for financial stability. No matter how many jokes I make about it.

56. My family is a true southern family. I sometimes feel out of place.

57. I wear flip flops in the rain and when there is ice on the ground. I know...I'm a freak.

58. I have a problem with pretending bad things aren't real or ignoring them completely. This gets me into a lot of trouble.

59. I had an abortion. I didn't have sex after that for 11 months. When I finally did, I got pregnant with my daughter. I call that "Fate's way of showing me who's boss".

60. Or...it could just be called, "that bastard lied about the vasectomy".

61. My Mother has always told me what a horrible liar I am. I smile and agree with her.

62. My cousin used to make fun of me for being a "nerd" and a "bookworm". Now I make fun of her ignorance. She usually doesn't get it.

63. Some of my family members are pretty racist. That embarrasses me.

64. The first time I did this list, about two years ago, I'd only kissed one girl. Now, I've kissed four and had a threesome. I was only sober during one...and it wasn't the threesome.

65. I hate wearing my glasses. I've been out of contacts for about 3 months.

66. I don't like cartoon character paraphernalia.

67. You know how there are things people say that you'll always remember, even thought you'd really like to forget? I'll never forget my mother saying, "You're going to sleep with him and ruin it." Or my dad, "The best part of you ran down your mother's leg." Classic.

68. My favorite flowers are sunflowers.

69. At 23, I'm on my 5th car. I'm not sure it that's bad or not...

70. I loved the Harry Potter series. Fantasy novels about wizards, dragons, elves, vampires, and such still get mixed in with my more adult reading material. My bestfriend makes fun of me for this.

71.I once got into an intense verbal fight with a 40 year old stranger about make up. We were both off our tits on wine.

72. I once got so stoned on (I'm assuming) a laced blunt, I had hallucinations that my chest was completely open and I could see my own heart and blood was pouring out of my chest. I finally passed out. Sometimes when I smoked after that, I'd have flashbacks and my heart rate would speed up.

73. I love playing pool.

74. I start projects and never follow through with them.

75. I've had just about every kind of pet there is to have. My mother must have been crazy. In a moment of weakness I brought home a guinea pig for my daughter last year. It lasted about 3 months before I freaked out and gave it away.

76. I don't cry at the parts in movies that other people cry at. When I do cry while watching a movie...it's at a really odd part...and other people are like, "what the fuck". It bothers me.

77. Political conversations tend to irritate me. I'm not sure if that's because of my psycho family, since they argue about it all the time...or some other reason.

78. You know the dreams you have when you're falling and you jerk awake really hard? I love those. I'm fascinated by the body's reaction to dreams. I used to sleepwalk, but I haven't in a really long time. I hate that.

79. I've always thought my memory sucked...and it kind of does. Why then, can I remember lyrics to a million songs...even ones I hate?

80. I alternate between spending a ridiculous amount of time on the Internet to going months without getting on at all.

81. Pickles are one of my favorite foods ever. Not the sweet ones (yuck!), the huge Dill ones in the ginormous jars.

82. I am not what I like to call a "No Crust & An Apple Mom". Those moms and I don't mesh. I feel awkward at birthday parties and school events where they all gather and talk about how Little So-and-So is sooooo smart and knows how to tie his shoes now, etc etc etc get a fucking life. I love my daughter, I'm proud of her little accomplishments, and I tell people about them sometimes... but...there's just something about those women that give me the heebie jeebies. I'm just not like them. I'm more like a "Here, Have Some Chips Mom".

83. My Mother says I didn't get the nurturing gene. I just say I didn't get the treat them like they're 3 until they're 20 gene. You say potato....

84. My hair is naturally curly, but I straighten it the majority of the time.

85. I collect books and postcards.

86. I can imitate just about any accent after hearing it once or twice. That's always been useful when making prank calls.

87. I love those Free Credit Report . Com commercials.

88. Too many fire fighters have liked me for it to be a coincidence. I'm wondering if they have some kind of "Wall of Shame"...or fame...however you want to look at it.

89. I usually break the deals I make with myself.

90. The number of men that I've slept with is

91. Really? You thought I'd tell you that?

92. I once got kicked out of Wal-Mart for playing with the intercom system. They no longer have
those little phones out in the open. Well...I say kicked out. It was more like they came toward us all scary-like, and we ran.

93. I've lived in 4 different cities in this state. I've moved about 9 times.

94. I never make a bet unless I'm guaranteed to win.

95. I'm easily frustrated.

96. I once dated an embalmer. It didn't last long at all.

97. One of the reasons that my bestfriend is my bestfriend...is because she says out loud some of the sick, twisted things I'm thinking but can never say. We didn't like each other when we first met.

98. A lot of the time, I feel much older than I actually am.

99. I'm attracted to all sorts of men. One day it's "A Suit", the next day it's a punk rocker covered in tattoos.

100. Sometimes I toy with the idea of making my blog private. I never have.


Errant Gosling said...

17. Ditto.

20. Cheers!

34. I was going to comment on this when you posted Maggie the other day. I wondered how you would react.

70. Now you’re just teasing me. I am re-reading some of Tolkien’s stuff (the less popular stuff no one really ever read) right now. I am a closet fantasy geek. Well, closet fantasy. Openly geek.

87. Ditto again.

90. 90, really? :)

96. Well played.

otherworldlyone said...

Re: 90. Hahaha. I knew someone would throw that out there. No, not really.

Re: 34. I first watched that movie about a month ago or so. I loved it. Absolutely loved it.

Re: 70. I've read a lot of Tolkien's stuff as well. "Closet fantasy. Openly Geek"...funny.

Errant Gosling said...

34. I love it also. Very much so. It's a hard movie to start a conversation about though. You have to know how it will end before you can begin.

otherworldlyone said...

Yes...I know what you mean. I was so excited about it...right after I watched...I tried to explain it to my neighbor. Insert uncomfortable throat clearing here.

But...then I told my bestfriend about it. She came over, watched it, and absolutely loved it as well. Haha, Sometimes...I wish she was a man.

Jennifer Martin said...

My knee-jerk response to #67: Dad? Is that you?

Loved the list and your blunt/honest/sarcastic writing style... I found myself nodding in agreement to most of them.

Mr. Condescending said...

you dated an embalmer?

Mr London Street said...

Putting this on your front page was a genius idea - I thoroughly enjoyed this. Not sure why I hadn't seen it before.

Anonymous said...

First of all, I just found your blog today (via Mean Girl Garage) and am loving the way that you write! So I had to comment on a few:

1. Totally a hair twirler...not sure when that happened
6. I AM a horrible driver, and everyone knows it
9. Ditto - I can read and drive. See #6
35. I'm at -8.25, so I feel you
100. Thank you for not doing just that!

Proud Maisie said...

Oh the pornographic joys of James Spader. And I have always found face-slapping during sex to be quite normal, and even encouraged.

with cherry on the freakin' top said...

LOL-ed at 86. You're an awesome woman. :)

Catherine said...

I've only just started reading your blog/blogging at all, but you are my new favorite person/blogger. Your humor hits home. :)

Vanessa said...

this made me laugh! i may try one myself, tho i doubt itll be funny like yours!

Penny said...

That was simultaneously beautiful and hugely discouraging ... Read my blog please I just started today. be honest; brutally Im starting to thing it not for mee . *cover my eyes in shame*

Anonymous said...

Fuck I love this list. So many favorites, so many from which to choose.


differentbreed said...

I almost thought I was reading my own blog...it was altogether eerie and comforting to know that someone thinks the way i do! :)

AleMaho said...

I laughed so hard at many of those.
Mostly, cuz i relate to them.

LondonGirl788 said...

THIS is probably one of the best things I have seen on-line, let alone on a blog!! If I created one, it'd just be pathetic..!

Ek Soofi Gunehgaar said...