Monday, November 16, 2009

Why does everyone keep calling me weird? Is it a fat thing?

The holidays are closing in and we all know what that means!

That’s right, FOOD.

I know some people say it’s all about Jesus, but listen to me: Jesus isn’t food. Unless you’re counting those flat, dissolvable cardboard disks those church goers call “the body of Christ”. I totally don’t.

But here’s the thing. There will be no mounds of macaroni and cheese, brown sugar glazed ham, or buttery, succulent rolls for me.

I’m on a diet.

I know. I know. EVERYONE is on a diet.

But the thing about me and dieting is we hate each other. We’re unfaithful. We tried to make it work for the sake of the kid, but there was just too much bitterness there.

Unfortunately, the doctor says we have to try again. He also acts like the problem with our relationship is 100% my fault, but what the fuck does he know?

The scene: Doctor’s office. The purpose: A doctor’s excuse. Why: Because I didn’t feel well and my throat might have been a little sore. Maybe. A week ago.

I attempted to look as forlorn and sickly as possible while the nurse took my blood pressure and asked me boring questions.

Then I waited, sitting on the crinkly papered exam table and swinging my legs back and forth. Heel struck table: clang! Heel struck table: clang!

Wait...wait...was that? I think it was! “Clang clang clang clang, clangclangclang”...and vocals: “I said what what in the butt! I said what what in the butt! You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt (clang clang clang clang clang clang)! Let’s do it in the butt...Ooooook!”

Enter Doctor Have-No-Soul.

Doc: “Good morning.”

Me: Totally not embarrassed about kicking exam table like a four year old and singing Southpark assholery. “Good morning.”

Doc: “So we aren’t feeling well today?”

Me: “Number one feels ok, but number seven needs a little work.”

Doc: Bland, sheep face. Does not compute.

Me: “Heh, you know...we...multiple personalities....”

Doc: Bland, sheep face. Does not compute.

Me: “Alrighty! No, we don’t feel well today. We didn’t feel well yesterday either.”

Doc: Pulls out stethoscope and starts asking medical questions.

Me: “We might need medicine.”

Doc: More medical questions. Touchy feely, under the shirt action etc.

Me: Medical answers, stray giggle at tickley under the shirt feely action.

After more examining:

Doc: Looks at chart, flips page. Frowny face. “You’ve gained 15lbs since I saw you this time last year.”

Me: “15!”

Doc: “Yes. 15.”

Me: “Shit. Oh gawd! We’re getting fat!” Deliberately bland sheep face.

Doc: “Mmmm.” Fake noncommittal face, but in actuality...judgmental face.

Me: “I’m sick though, so...we’re not talking about weight.”

Doc: “You should be aware that you gained 15lbs in a year.”

Me: “Could you stop saying that out loud?”

Doc: “Yes, but you should be aw...”

Me: YEAH AWARE, I get it. So what do you think?”

Doc: “I think you should go on a diet.”

Me: “ABOUT MY SICKNESS, NOT MY WEIGHT.”

Doc: Bland, sheep face. “I’ll write you a prescription for antibiotics just in case.”

Me: “Great. Wonderful. Are we finished?”

I got my paperwork and headed to the check out counter. A girl I knew from school was working the desk.

“So, how did it go,” she asked.

“He called us fat.”

She stared at me. “Well, you aren’t”, she said.

I tore out the check I was writing and handed it to her.

“We’ve gained 15lbs in a year.”

She stared at me like I was crazy. “Um...really, you’re not.”

I sighed. “Are we done here?”

She glanced at the check, did a double take and started laughing. “Yeah! Ha! Man, that’s funny!”

On the Memo line at the bottom of the check I’d written: “Cash this before we eat it.”

“Fat people are funny”, I said knowingly.

I went back out to my car and called my boss.

“Well, what did the doctor say”, she asked.

“He said we’re fat.”

“What?!”

I repeated myself, then gave her a run down of the appointment (the edited, I’m too sick to work today version).

“Well, don’t worry about it. Didn’t you say he was an asshole anyway? I thought you were getting a new doctor after the last time when he called you a hypochondriac.”

“We forgot.”

“You forgot to get a new doctor?”

“We haven’t seen this one in a year. Besides, fat people are forgetful.”

“For god’s sake! You are not fa...”

“It’s an alliteration thing, I think. Fat, funny, forgetful, food, freezer, fellatio.”

“You do realize how weird you are right?”

“Yes, we know.”

“What’s fellatio?”

“Gelatin. We have to go now.”

She sighed. “Call me and let me know if you’re coming in tomorrow...and quit saying “we”. It’s weird.”

“We’ll be there. If we can fit through the door. F.....Fit.”

“Yeah, you need to go home and lie down. Feel better.”

“Bye.”

Fast forward.

Last night I was sitting on the couch talking to mom’s boyfriend Ray.

“I’m starting my diet tomorrow”, he said.

“Really? I should do it with you. It’s easier to diet with a partner.”

“Ya’ll are crazy. I’m waiting till after the holidays to do any dieting”, mom said.

“That’s the best time to do it”, he replied.

Mom looked at me. “You don’t diet well.”

“Well, I know we’ve had our differences in the past but surely we can hang in there for just 15lbs.”

She laughed and shook her head. “Ok. We’ll see.”

An hour later:

“Who ate my M&M’s”, my sister asked.

“I did”, I admitted from the couch.

“Uh! What the hell!”

“Listen, there has to be one last fling before monogamy starts tomorrow.”

“Mom, what is she talking about?”

“Dieting.”

“Really”, she asked me. “You’re going to diet?”

“Yes.”

“You know Thanksgiving is in like, two weeks.”

“Yes.”

“How are you going to keep from eating all that junk?”

“Fellatio.”

She looked confused. “What’s fellatio?”

“It’s what fat people do to keep from eating....food”, I said.

Mom glared at me. “That’s enough.”

“That’s not what it means, is it”, my sister asked.

I shrugged. “I forget.”

“Whatever. You are SO weird.”

And that’s the story of why we started a diet today.

Now you'll have to excuse us, we're off to lunch.

Not sure what we're having today...but I hear Jesus is low in calories.

24 comments:

mylittlebecky said...

so THAT'S my problem! not enough fellatio. thanks for your wonderful advice on dieting.

ps i was gonna ask you a question but then i got all stage frighty...

mo.stoneskin said...

The Jesus diet huh? Jesus is good for your soul, not, I suspect, full of the right vitamins that your body needs.

*clang*

Sorry, my heel just hit the table.

Belloc, I think, said we shouldn't trust anyone with shifty eyes.

Gorilla Bananas said...

So the moral of the story is: If you eat the sausage you put on weight, if you suck it you don't. It makes sense to me.

Organic Meatbag said...

If you were my patient, I would prescribe you Flintstones vitamins and a anti-fungal creme...to apply wherever you like...

Mr London Street said...

All right then, my question for you is this one. What single piece of art - whether it's a film, a novel, a poem, a painting or whatever - do you most wish you had created and why?

rubbish said...

We did have something funny to say but Gorilla beat me to it. Bastard.

Secretia said...

I loved it, especially the "we" thing at the doctor.

Secretia

Hannah Miet said...

We are in pain, and may now have abdominal muscles, from laughing at this post.

I avoid MD's at all costs.

ellen abbott said...

Doctors have no sense of humor, they're too busy taking themselves seriously. In fact If you have a sense of humor, I don't think they'll let you be a doctor.

I would have asked a question, I wanted to ask a question but my cleverness had escaped me that day. I still can't find it.

Anyway, as the magnet on my sister's frige says...ewes not fat, ewes fluffy.

Hunter said...

Gelatin. That actually is a diet food. Have fun and good luck.

Hilarious post!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

It's obviously the doctor's scale. It needs to be calibrated, clearly. I'm pretty sure every doctor's office scale in the world needs to be calibrated.

Fat girls give better fellatio, by the way. That's what my bumper sticker says anyhow.

A dude who loves fat chicks said...

So what about being fat is bad? lol
Docotors don't know whats best for you sometimes too.

Its the holiday season, have fun and eat what you want. If you want to
diet, then diet, if not then don't.

Good luck in your adventures!

Eric said...

I hope that all of you pull together and exhibit the kind of dietary willpower that ledgends are made of. I've been doing that after the Italy trip because I bought more chocolate than Willie Wonka's pimp has and I'm trying to offset the caloric intake.

We'll see you later OWO.

Rusty Hoe said...

I like to think of it as more cushion for the pushin'. :)

Flubtastic Doofalo said...

15 lbs? Not bad. I've gained a solid 40 lbs since I last saw my doc. Wait! He died in 1996. Never mind.

Cool as Folk said...

Gahd! You're so weird!

Lies. You are awesome.

Also: “What’s fellatio?”
-“Gelatin. We have to go now.”

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Also, also: My doctor is an asshole too. He tells me I have acne problems when I have like ONE pimple.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

you're not fat; just festively plump. works every time.

j said...

"what's fellatio?"
"gelatin."

i laughed so hard during the reading of this post that i couldn't breathe and my stomach hurts now. the conversations were all so priceless. hot damn.

otherworldlyone said...

Becky: Aw, poor Chuck!

You? Stage frighty around me? Nonsense.

Mo: Who cares about vitamins? This effing Oats 'N Honey bar has lots of vitamins I'm sure...and it SUCKS.

"Don't trust a ho, never trust a ho."

GB: You would think so, but there are some mathematical problems with that theory.

Meatbag: Anti fungal cream? What... so because I'm supposedly fat (that's right! supposedly!)I have a fungus? I think you want to be bitch slapped.

Rubbish: I'm sure you could have come up with something. Lazy.

Secretia: Thanks.

Hannah: I laugh all the time. Punch me in the stomach.

I'm going to start avoiding them.

Ellen: Yeah, you're right. Most don't.

Ewes...that's funny.

Hunter: I know. Thanks, I'll try to have fun while I chew on carrots. Loads of fun.

Steamy: Obviously!

Now there's a diet plan I can really enjoy.

ADWLFC: I would just like you to know that I hurt myself laughing at your name. Thanks.

Eric: Thanks. Hope your chocolate...comes out all right?

Rusty: Oh dear lord.

Flubtastic: Ha. NICE!

Cool: Lets form a "we hate doctors and slash their tires" club.

TeHe: That's...comforting.

J: Glad you liked it!

rebecca said...

hey i was away since wednesday so i didnt get to write a question for your q and a! can i ask something now? id love to hear about what music your into. i sound like such a teenager! its just eveyones questions were about sex so i thought id be the exceptation! love your blog x

erin said...

I'm stuck at minus 30 and I still feel like I look like shit.

AND I'm the healthiest eater I know. What's wrong with me??!

It's all about me, isn't it Alyson??!

ISN'T IT!?

Laurnie said...

Your blog never fails to make me laugh! But dieting during the holidays?? WHY? I call this time Fatvember and Fatcember. Bring it on! Then come January, THATS when you go on a diet. With the rest of the world. And PS - your doctor is lame.

otherworldlyone said...

Laurnie: I figure if I can make it through the holiday season and stay on track, I will be invincible and eventually take over the world. At least that's the master plan.

P.S. - Yes, he is.

Sally-Sal said...

Doctors are dicks.

Don't lose those boobies.