Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I'm never going to live this down, am I? Part two

Here are the rest of my "10 things you don't know about me". There are not only sexual references but there are gross...well, you'll see.

6) I’m not as ladylike as I seem.

You’re shocked, I’m sure.

I have impeccable manners, of course. Most southern women do. I just rarely use them.

Not only that, but I cuss like a sailor, have horrible posture and I hate the fact that women aren’t supposed to sit like men, even when they wear pants. It’s a constant aggravation to me to always have to cross my legs or keep my ankles together. I’d rather sit in a chair gangsta style. It’s much more comfortable.

Despite my unwillingness to keep my legs closed and stop dropping the F bomb, there is one ladylike mannerism I observe at all times. I do not fart in front of anyone. Ever. Unfortunately this may lower my life expectancy by several years. The number one killer of southern women isn’t cancer or domestic violence, it’s holding in flatulence. Scout’s honor.

The only thing more embarrassing than slipping up and letting one loose in public is this:

I was at the fireman’s house one night (for you new comers, the fireman was my five year booty call that just ended this past fall) and we were, of course, getting busy. Everything was going great. He was staring into my eyes, his signature half angry, half arrogant “yeah I’m screwing you good” look on his face. I was staring back, my signature half amused, half defiant “you couldn’t screw a...ooh, that again” look on my face. Things were getting intense. Until...

There wasn’t even a warning feeling of built up pressure, no rumble in my stomach, nothing. It just came out: short, loud, and to the point. Like one expelled breath through a bugle horn.

My face was on fire. I couldn’t even laugh it off like I would anything else. He didn’t comment at all. There was just the briefest pause, before he soldiered on through my humiliation, doggedly pursuing his release. I almost would have preferred it if he’d stopped and laughingly acknowledged it. Being a fireman though, he’s trained to plow through smoke and falling, flaming debris. No way could he be deterred by a fart.

I kept my eyes shut tight and attempted to rejoin him in the fight for the finish, but I just couldn’t concentrate. There wasn’t a smell, thank gawd, but the noise was reverberating in my ears. It was way worse than the first time I made that squidgy, wet air pocket in the vagina noise during sex. (I refuse to use the actual term because I hate it.)

After it was over we just lay there next to each other. And even though we were close, it felt like there was a ghostly, gaseous body wedged between us, curling up and making itself comfortable. I ignored it and willed myself to relax into sleep.

When I woke several hours later I found it was gone, vanished into the abyss, and the fireman was in pursuit of round two.

Gone, but not forgotten...goddamnit. If Martha Stewart found out about this I’d be shipped north, stripped of my accent, and banned from the Deep Fried Everything-That-Isn’t-Red-Hot-or-Nailed-Down Club.

7) I’m secretly a 13 year old girl...on the inside. (That is not a virgin reference.)

I like the Twilight series, Harry Potter, and lots of other fantasy books and movies it’s not popular for an adult woman to like.

While I’m driving the nail in my blogging social coffin, I might as well tell you that not only do I like them...I like them a lot. I happen to have two Harry Potter Scene It games and this Christmas I received the New Moon board game. I was rather disappointed since I would have preferred the Twilight Scene It to the board game, but you can’t have everything can you?

While I refused to go see any of the movies for either series on opening night due to psychos in costume, I didn’t wait long. And while I didn’t scream and carry on when Robert Pattinson came on the screen, I do happen to think he’s delicious. And while I dislike Kristin Stewart, it’s only because of her lack luster performances in everything but that stoner movie Adventureland, in which her constantly slack jawed appearance and confused demeanor seems to fit.

I haven’t exactly kept any of this secret, but I haven’t been advertising it either. Go ahead and laugh. I’m ok with it. Just like I was ok when they made fun of me for reading Tolkien (which is admittedly better reading than the aforementioned, but not to a group of judgmental kids) and carrying around books the size of an Encyclopedia. I’m not a cutter. I can take it.

Got any chips?

8) My parenting tactics are bit eccentric.

I don’t usually hang out with other parents. This isn’t because I don’t like them, it’s because...well, yeah, usually I don’t like them. We have little more than a used uterus in common.

I refused to breast feed because it made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t see boobs as a source of nutrients and life support. Boobs are fun – you dress them up, you play with them, you show them off – the end. When the kid was just a baby and I would hold her and rock her, I would remove her hand from my boob if it ended up there. No touchy.

I guess the boob thing would also fall under the shower thing. I don’t shower with the kid unless it’s absolutely necessary. Kids are weird about nakedness. Seriously. They stare at you with those big, bug eyes all wide and innocent and ask you creepy questions. And when you give a vague answer, their response is always “Why?”

“Why are yours bigger than mine?”
“Because I’m a grown up.”
“What are those?”
“Because. Turn around and be quiet, kid.”

I’m pretty sure other parents don’t tell their kids that McDonalds burned to the ground as a result of boy cooties, which are highly flammable. “No, no one died. They picked them up in a helicopter. No, there weren’t any fries left.”

I’m pretty sure other parents don’t taunt their kids through a glass door when they’re being particularly unmanageable and irritating. “HAHA! You can’t open it. Scream all you want ‘cause I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” And throw in a little dancing.

And I’m pretty sure that other parents, if caught doing something less than admirable, don’t shrug and say, “How often do you put yours in the closet?”

When the kid is grown up and sucker punching people in the genitals, it’ll all be worth it.

9) I was a child prodigy.

My uncle is a musician and he thought it would be a great idea for me to learn to play an instrument. (Actually, I bugged the shit out of him until he agreed to teach me.) I started with the piano, but decided that it was too hard.

I then spent an entire summer learning how to play the drums to The Lion King soundtrack. I could play them for the song ‘In the Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins too. I was awesome at the dramatic part at 3:15 on the video. As it turns out though, it’s not cool for fat kids to jam out to Phil Collins...with head banging.

According to my Papa, I also tried my hand at being an artist when I was little. By finger painting his bathroom walls with my own excrement. He still occasionally tells random people that I’m “the artist of the family”.
Good times.

10) I used to eat everything.

Now of course you’re thinking, “You were a fat kid, of course you ate everything.” But I don’t think you really understand what I’m saying.

I was usually hungry, but even if I wasn’t I would still find a reason to eat.

If my mom pissed me off, I’d eat. If my dad yelled at me, I’d eat. If I was afraid someone else would get to it first, I’d eat. If there was a blackout and I had no flashlight and only one match, I would use that one match to find the food supply and, I’d eat. All of it. Just in case I wasn’t able to find it again.

I once ate a piece of raw bacon just because it was there and I was “hungry” and impatient.

And on that disgusting note, I think I’ll end this embarrassing tell all and get to the next part of my assignment: naming seven Bloggers to watch for 2010.

Some of these are well known. A few are newcomers. Either way, I love every single one you and would touch you inappropriately if asked. Maybe.

In no particular order:

1) The Japing Ape - Gorilla Bananas
"The world's leading anthropological ape" has been blogging for a long time and never steps out of character. (Except maybe occasionally on a comment.) His blog is not only amusing, it's unique. He adds a naughty spin to current events and always has an interesting opinion or photo to check out. I'll likely never know who is actually behind The Japing Ape, but that's a tad intriguing. Don't you think?

2) The Yellow Factor - Jerrod
You know how people at work say they have a "work spouse"? Someone they talk to a lot and who's company they really enjoy? Well, if there were "blog spouses", Jerrod would be mine. We've had loads of conversations about blogging and everything in between and I greatly value his opinion. His blog is one I look forward to checking every day and when he posts, it always puts a smile on my face.

3) Brightened Boy - BB
BB is a young, gay, college student blogging about his experiences. No matter what he's writing about, his sincerity and talent are always apparent. He reminds me a bit of myself. Though our family situations aren't the same, they are a bit similar and I can relate to a lot of the emotions he's been dealing with over the years. He draws you in with his words and you become quickly involved, rooting for this person you've never met, but would very much like to.

4) Mr. London Street - MLS
Though he chose me for his shortlist, that's not even on the long list of reasons I chose him for mine. I'm addicted to his blog like a drug. Reading him has allowed me to become a better writer myself. That might sound trite, but it's true. There have been times when I've read one, just one, and felt just about every emotion one can feel. I think that's what makes a good writer: if I can want to laugh, cry, throw up, and punch you in the face all in one sitting. He pushes boundaries and I like that. I have no doubt that blogging is just a stepping stone to bigger things for him.

5) Steam Me Up Kid - Becky
I came across this blog randomly one day and I'd never read anything like it. I was openmouthed at the gall this woman had. Becky is absolutely hilarious. Vulgar, random, creative, completely insane - there aren't enough words to describe her blog. She's also got a talent for photoshopping pictures and adding unique catch phrases. And she's cute. Go see.

6) Contributions to Society - obviouslyapseudonym
She left a comment here and of course I went to check her out. This girl is young, but she's got something.  She's just getting started here so you should be hospitable. This post made me laugh and man, does it ever sound familiar. Cheers to you, newbie.

7) Miss.Chief's Blog - miss.chief
You never know what to expect with this one. One day it's bus stop stories, then it's pictures of new tattoos and drawings, then it's a hilarious tale about Mexico and their...toilets. Whatever she's writing about, I'm always enthralled. And she knows Spanish. Real Spanish, not that stuff where you just add and O on the end.

There's one more place I'd like to draw to your attention. Here. He's a buddy of mine and he's just started with this whole blog thing. Check him out and give him some encouragement.

Don't feel pressured to do this meme, but if you'd like to have my name written on your ass, that would be ok.



Judearoo said...

Ever read any of Susan Cooper's 'Dark is Rising' series? Top class thirteen year old girl reading; you've love them. :)

P.T said...

Paint your father's bathroom wall with excrement? LOL You have me on the floor laughing.

Baglady said...

Love it. Raw bacon, RPattz and farts. I couldn't ask for more.

Ally said...

That's too funny ... I refuse to pass gas in front of anyone but my husband and I wish I never started that because a friend once told me "never let him see you toot or sit on the terlit with the door open." I've done both many times and feel I've ruined things forever.

Totally LOVE your blog!

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

That Gal Kiki said...

Reality is your friend. I dig it.

JUST ME said...

I don't fart in public unless I'm CERTAIN it's going to be a silent thing...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Aw, thank you! It makes me really happy that I can still entertain you. It's been a while with us, hasn't it?

Of course "one expelled breath through a bugle horn" is killing me. Because of course.

Hunter said...

I'm easy; a well-placed fart story and I'm giggling like a 13 year old boy.

Eric said...

Concerning #6, he didn't stop, drop and roll?

The artist in the family, greatness.

Colleen said...

I look forward to your posts everyday! they make me laugh so much! I can definately relate to the eating confession... I'm the same way.

Anonymous said...

Come on now, farts are hee-larious, particularly if embarrassing. Although not till long after the fact.

As for the kid thing, I'm with you. I actually never plan on having any but if something should go hideously wrong in that plan, I won't be having it suck on my love melon either. I mean that's what they make formula for, kid!

Tony Spunk said...

Honey, no one cares if you squeeze out a tiny air bubble now and then during fancy time. It's endearing. Even when it sounds like the lady sat on a duck. Come to think of it, a lady could expel a genie from her butt crack during the horizontal mamba and it wouldn't put me off. So no need to worry.

mysterg said...

"How often do you put yours in the closet?" - Genius!

mylittlebecky said...

HARRY POTTER OR DEATH! in other news, harry potter is my secret lover. mmmmmm.

Anonymous said...

I respect your fart policy!

Anonymous said...

HP is da coolest, anyone who doesn't recognize that is a stupid muggle.

im reading the bestest young adult series right now, Vampire Academy, have you heard of them? vampire boarding school! HP meets Twilight! i stayed up till 2am reading the first one last night.

Sally-Sal said...

The fact that he could not be deterred by a fart makes me admire the fireman.

Rebecca said...

Oh, the rules southern women live by.

and PS. My roommate got the New Moon board game. We played the other night. I won. haha

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'm intrigued to have intrigued you, Miss A, and I would have certainly forgiven the fart. But perhaps you should have taken five to have a chuckle about it and open a window.

Kate said...

Ha ha i can completely sympathise for havign a secret 13yr old girl inside me. I also love Twilight and Harry Potter.

Good post and thanks for the blog recommendations

Kate x

Ashley said...

haha! i can relate to the farting bit. my friends, family, and boyfriend are all convinced that i'm incapable of passing gas. they actually find it odd that i don't do so around people which makes me worried about how often they must fart in public. love your blog, by the way!

mo.stoneskin said...

"it’s not cool for fat kids to jam out to Phil Collins"

You, my dear, have made me smile for the first time today.

Ok, so that's a lie, I have smiled, but that was my first genuine cracker.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I'm seriously contemplating coming to work on Sunday so I can have a few hours of uninterrupted reading of your blog *sigh* so if the hubs leaves me I'm blaming you :)
I just finally caught up from reading ALL of your post from oldest to newest...oh oh...can you say stalker? JK
Oh, and the gas thing? yeah, the vagina air pocket is something NOT sexy. I dig HP but not the Twilingt, seriously cannot get in to it.

Jessica said...

Part of our Southern charm is what we learn in sunday school; thou shalt not fart, boobie feed the babies, nor paint thine father's walls with excrement .. and frankly hon, if Jesus wants us to love our neighbors, perhaps we should have less of them. ;)
Live it and love it! Southern women are known for their eccentricities.

Girl Interrupted said...

I haven't read one of your posts for a while now (or anybody else's for that matter :/) but this was classic OWO and made me remember just how much I used to love reading your blog :)

I'm a huge fan of H Potter and Tolkien (I'm just going to diplomatically breeze over Twilight and all things related) so you actually just went WAY up in my estimation, nerdy girls rock! :P And the parenting tactics sound fine to me ... they certainly made me snort in a most unladylike fashion a few times.

Stumbling, Falling, Dreaming & Flying said...

i get miserable when you don't include me on these lists..

otherworldlyone said...

Judearoo: Never, but I'll look them up. Thanks.

P.T.: My grandfather's. Though my father definitely deserves it more.

Baglady: Well it's a crying shame you're married then!

Ally: I've heard that old rule as well. It's not very popular in the south though. Thanks!

Kiki: Reality? My dear, reality is for laughs only. The rest of the time it's on timeout in the corner.

Just me: Nope, can't chance it!

Steamy: We've only just begun. Of course.

Hunter: Noted!

Eric: Unfortunately his sense of humor doesn't extend that far. It probably would have helped. Yes, artist. It could be worse. I could be the bum or the tranny.

Colleen: Thank you! I still love food to the point of distraction. I'm sure there is a syndrome or disorder there somewhere...

Veg Ass: Love melons. I like it. It's better than ta ta's. And fruity.

Tony: Thank you for the words of encouragement. Maybe one day I'll overcome my fear and play dutch ovens with a lover. I'm not holding my breath though.

mysterg: I'm entirely serious.

mylittlebecky: You've seen his wang, haven't you?

Secretia: Thank you. R-E-S-P-E-C-T is key.

lustyreader: Indeed. I've seen them around, but never picked them up.

Sally: He had many admiring attributes. Not the least of which was his stoic demeanor.

Rebecca: I'm sure there's a whole book of them somewhere. I haven't played it yet. I'll get around to it eventually.

Gorilla: Does that mean I get a private interview? Time out means starting all over again. Hmm...perhaps you're right.

Kate: You're welcome!

Ashley: Thank you! Are they yanks?

Mo: I'm glad that someone liked the Phil Collins bit.

Nina: I like female stalkers. They're more...sensitive. I feel I should give you something for your dedication. Maybe I should sing a song. I'll think on it.

Do you know, I've come across some that like the whole air pocket nonsense. You do it once and they are stabbing at you every which a way trying to make it happen again. Ridiculous. Just get on with it!

Jessica: Hear, hear! Wonderfully said.

GI: Glad to see you around these parts again, lady. And nerdy girls make the best lovers. Or so I gather.

Stumbling: I think you need a good slap. How about it?

lady_bug said...

Harry Potter is amazing, hon. I'm a southern girl with curly hair, too, that was a bit..."hefty" when I was younger so reading your blog is like reading my memoirs! :D I especially love this!!! The painting your grandfather's walls part reminded me of when i was little and would throw bits of wet toilet paper at our glass shower door. My mom still never let's me get away from that....:)