Monday, August 30, 2010

Online dating

I have this crazy idea that I’m positive no blogger has ever had before, because I’m just that original.


I’m going to join a dating website.

90% of this decision is based on the wealth of material that’s sure to crop up, 5% is based on the fact that I obviously can’t meet anyone anywhere else, and the other 5%...well; let’s just say that if I do it, The Grandmother has promised to stop harassing me about going to church to meet a “nice man”. One day, when she’s older, I’ll tell her about the nice man, the nice seminary student actually, that I met at church and played hide the holy relic with in the back of his jeep. He made the sign of the cross in all the right places. Our father, who art in heaven...how loud I screamed your name. Amen.

Seriously, I’ve been circling around this idea for awhile now. I’ve gone from being adamant that online dating is for losers, to being genuinely curious. It seems like everyone is doing it now. But, just in case anyone decides to make fun of me, I have a full proof plan that goes a little something like this: Bitch, I will Cut. You.

Now that that’s settled, I need to make another plan – a plan of action. This is where you guys come in. (That’s what she said.) I welcome any advice from those who’ve done the online dating gig before, and even advice from those that haven’t done it but think they know everything about everything anyway. (Yeah, you know who you are.)

I’m sure there are certain things that, for the sake of being fair, I need to include on my profile. They say that honesty is the best policy in general, but is the same true for online dating? For instance, when I tell them I’m the single mother of a kindergartener, do I go ahead and lay it all out there?

“When I was 18 I fucked my much older boss because I thought he was sexy, but it turns out that he wasn’t that sexy, he was just fertile. Now I have a five year old daughter that whines constantly and has an unhealthy fascination with her own vagina, which we actually call a “boo” because apparently “vagina” is not an appropriate word for a child. She also has a small problem with kleptomania that I’m addressing, as needed, by sneaking the things she takes back without anyone knowing in order to avoid embarrassment.”

Do I tell them outright that I live at home with my mother, her boyfriend, my teenage sister, two retarded cats, and a mastiff puppy that eats my underwear? Do they need to know the family dynamics?

“There won’t be any sex happening at my place, in case you were wondering, so I hope you live alone or have nice roommates. I generally can’t even masturbate in peace so sometimes, when I do get a little alone time, I get so excited that I injure myself and then I’m out of commission for a few days. So if I use the word “recuperating” in response to a request to hang out, that’s probably what’s going on and if you still want to get together, you shouldn’t expect anything more than a blowjob. And only if you really deserve it.


Furthermore, if you decide you want to be ‘old fashioned’ and pick me up from my house rather than meet me somewhere like a non-stalker, you will likely be subjected to a heated inquisition. My mother will ask you if you are gay, if you are aware that I may be gay and if you are - why it doesn’t bother you, if you are aware that my womb was once occupied (well, twice occupied, but I hope she’d leave that first one off knowing how some people feel about murder), and if you’ve heard of the private school she attended 27 years ago. However, there is no need to worry about my father as he lives 1200 miles away and only comes to town when there’s a bulk sale on cocaine. But should we eventually decide to get married (you never know, stranger things have happened), you should know that he will likely die before then from liver damage, so you’ll have to pay for the wedding on your own.”

As much as people say they want the whole truth and nothing but the truth, full disclosure can be a little daunting. There’s the issue of likes and dislikes.

Do I really tell them that I like to read books about vampire teenagers and make fun of fat kids on slip-n-slides? Do I tell them I hate most sports and am bored to tears by anything even remotely related to hunting, fishing, and the outdoors in general? Men around here are crazy about racecar driving. Do I tell them that I think watching a bunch of cars go round and round in a circle for over half the day is the most ridiculous hobby I’ve ever heard of in my life?

“Also, I dislike children. I plan on never having another child, so if you want any you’d better be ready to make it worth nine months of torture and be ready to hire a nanny. And the only way you could possibly make it worth it is with money. And handbags...I like handbags.”

I see online dating as a way of cutting through all the bullshit, a way for people to let you know who they really are before you come out the pocket for dinner and drinks. Or at least, that’s how it should be. I’m sure there are dirty liars and perverts on there. It’s the internet after all.

That brings us to profile pictures. I want to put up an attractive picture that makes people want to look at my profile, but wouldn’t that be false advertising?

There they see this decent looking blonde girl with fantastic fucking eye shadow (thankyouverymuch), but she doesn’t look like that except maybe half of the time. Sometimes she doesn’t put on makeup for a week and dude, she’s got some really dark under-eye circles. They take her home and nail her like Bob Villa on steroids, go to sleep, and wake up with Medusa. There’s mascara everywhere, hair stuck to the drool on her face, and her snoring could rival the noise from the chainsaw massacre.

Wouldn’t it be more prudent to put up a shitty picture? If they’re attracted to me then, imagine how much they’d like me when I fixed myself up! It would be like Extreme Makeover every other weekend.

But I guess all of that seems relatively easy compared to the issue of actually going on a date with someone. What if they put up a picture from years ago and instead of a 30 year old, I end up sitting across from some dude with a ventilator and a pair of false teeth? Do I stick it out and see if he’s got money? Has Anna Nicole been dead long enough to have a replacement?

Oh my god. What if I agree to meet with some guy and when I get there he turns out to be my mom’s ex boyfriend, Spongebob!

The longer I think about it, the more terrifying this situation becomes. I think I’ll get a taser, just in case. Is it legal to tase your date because he’s your mom’s ex boyfriend or because he smells funny?

So many questions!

I’m planning on setting up my profile tonight, so if you have any suggestions, warnings, or advice – come out with it now. Or, if after reading all of that you decide you just can’t live without me and there’s no need for me to look any further, tell me that too. But only if you’re loaded. I can’t support my crumb snatcher on love and sexy time, you know. Well, technically I could support her on sexy time, but my grandma would be really upset if I took up prostituting.

28 comments:

Didactic Pirate said...

I'm just thinking about all the reading enjoyment I'm going to get out of your online dating adventures. Looks like I shouldn't start any long novels any time soon, since I'll be reading your blog instead.

And I say brutal honesty is the way to go with your profile. Let's scare away all those quitters and wussbags first.

theOtherStacy said...

I have nothing to add to this really...I just wanted to stop lurking for 2 seconds.

Oh, I guess I do, go middle ground. You can surprise them when you dress it up even more, and they should know by now that the morning after is rarely pretty...

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Im with the pirate.. I cant wait to hear about your adventures in dating. And Im with you.. put up a real craptastic picture. Give them the punch in the buts before they get the warm fuzzy.

Lyds said...

Honesty is the best policy. That being said, it is best to leave a few things unsaid (so you can have something to talk about on the dates).

Not like I pretend to know everything (cause online dating is waay new to me too), but I think that people can be a little judgmental about stuff on profiles. That being said, I think it comes out a little better when you can tell someone personally that you have a little rascal and live at home with the Adams Family (i kid, I kid, you didn't mention an Uncle Fester).

If you end up with some old dude, I say wait it out to see if he's Mister Moneybags. In the end, I am sure he would be cool funding your rock and roll lifestyle for a lil T&A, knowwhatimsayin.

Good luck and can't wait to hear the details!

Denise said...

I filled out everything one Sunday morning not so long ago when I had the time and nothing else really to do. An hour and a half later I got a conformation email that said my profile had been denied because of "inappropriate language" and the only thing I remember typing that was mildly inappropriate was poop. So don't day poo and you're golden.

Also expect assholes. My dear friend went on a date with a real charmer, and since her family was on vacation she invited him over to her house. He wanted to fool around, she wasn't interested. He decided he wasn't going to stay for the date, told her that "a guy should at least get a blow job for agreeing to date a fatty like you" and a whole month later sent her a text saying hi, only to be followed with a "oh, you're still alive then..." so, yea. Not all online men are wonderful, you gotta pick through the poo to find one who you'll want to eventually bring home to mama.

Baglady said...

I have no experience of the internet dating thing but the idea of reading someone else's experience is very appealing. Well, mostly because it's you and you write so well.

As for advice, I know nothing, but like all people who know nothing I still want to put my two penn'orth in. Tell them you're a single mum and that you like culture and maybe that will scare away the redneck dickwads. Maybe.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I could write you an essay but since you're diving into the deep end TODAY, I'll cut to the chase.
My most successful online dating profile told very little about myself. I mentioned I was a smart ass, I made some reference to what I thought was my best body part and also professed my love of certain sports. All were true, not embellished in any way. What I didn't say was that I was a neurotic mess from 2 previous relationships, that I was almost as flat as a board and that I worked retail (=sucky hours). I still got my guy.

What made my profile work for me is that I told the guys what I was looking for. A simple 3 part description. Sure guys scope out the hot chics and try to "hit that" but the sincere ones are looking for a real match. If they don't know what you're looking for, they'll either bombard you or ignore you.

Email me if you want me to keep going!

BugginWord said...

Maybe you should try this dating site? http://mingle2.com/zombieharmony/free-dating-sites

Honestly, I say hit 'em with all your wit and let those intimidated run and hide and only the brave can mount the dragon...or something.

Crystal Clear As Mud said...

I actually met my husband through online dating so I obviously had a good experience with it.

My advice is to be honest, look your dates up on the local supreme court network for your state and keep all first dates to a coffee shop or the like. I had a couple first dates that I was soooooo glad I did a shortened date...and those can always be prolonged by suggesting going to get a bite to eat afterwards.

Also, my husband did tell me that he got sooooo tired of seeing girls that take pics of themselves from up above so the shot is mostly of their cleavage...just a thought.

Good luck!

rubbish said...

I wouldn't bother lying but I would take a gun with you on the first date.

Sara said...

I definitely say put up a decent but not AMAZING OHMYGOD IM SO SEXY picture of yourself. I always like to keep people's expectations low so that when they finally see me in person, they're all, "Oh, wow. She's actually kind of cute."

: ) Good luck! Can't wait to read about this!

Cecelia Winesap said...

I'd say be honest from the get go. Everyone deserves to know the truth, shit and all!

Mr London Street said...

It's about time somebody wrote a good dating blog to counteract all that Plenty More Fish shite. I think you are the woman for the job.

I do think, from what I know of the internet dating experiences of my friends, that you are going to meet a lot of complete freaks but think of the blog potential. In fact, blogging is fabulous for that. Having fun? Brilliant. Having an awful time? Think of the blog potential. I'm already looking forward to growing a Hitler moustache in November.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Be your usual, honest, funny, dry, yet sensitive and heartfelt self.

And take lots of screenshots, YAY!!

CMG said...

You could just cut to the chase and link to your blog. That would save you a lot of typing.

mylittlebecky said...

i am THE expert in online dating. (if i don't say so myself). ok. so. with online dating you go for quantity until you find one, two? you like. therefore, you gotta real 'em in with the pretty picture. i was going on 4-5 dates per weekend. COFFEE/COCKTAIL DATES ONLY!!! key point. you can cut that shit into 15 minutes tops.

becaaaaause, as you mention, you canNOT in any way tell for sure one way or another if they're gonna suck or not until you lay eyes on them and/or talk to them to see if they have that serial killer vibe.

then you can be like, no, he's smelly. no, he's got a jacked up face. no, he's a total douche canoe. neeeeext! no! no! no!... hmmmm ... kinda like you .... 'nother date?

also, if you need an emergency phone call in the middle of a horrible date, let me know, i'm good at those as well.

or just do what steamy said. ...thinks she better than me with her sensitive advice....

erin said...

I think you should put everything in this post on your profile, word for word.

If anyone in the comments above suggested the same thing and I look like a total douche, I'm sorry.

I have to poop and I don't have time to read the post AND all of the comments.

Nevermind. Max is in the bathroom upstairs and Jeremiah in the one downstairs. I might have to wait an hour.

Or more.

hiphophippie.com said...

Very exciting! I'm sure it's terrifying as hell, but dude, this is going to be good.

And as far as pic goes, I definitely agree with middle of the road. Mos def not your hottest pic, just something fun and casual.

Can't wait for the updates!!

Eric said...

Haha, fun stuff. Promise you'll send one in to DateWrecks if it goes really bad.

Shruthi said...

You haven't even created a profile and yet, there's so much you've written :)
I went ahead with this online dating thing once, and I was 22 at the time. Met someone I thought was interesting but he turned out to be a wee bit loony and I stopped pursuing that line completely. My kind of luck ensures that I will never, and I mean NEVER meet a regular guy!
As for the questions, you don't have to put a stunner of a photo up, the odd of you running into slight psychos are higher. I'd say keep it simple, but then again, with only one failed hit on a vague dating website, I wouldn't know! :-|

IT IS ALLY said...

I did internet dating for a while! And blogged about it. It was prYetty fun, and also completely hilarious.

My advice: It's totally acceptable to use a hot photo because everyone else is going to. Levels the playing field. And also I think, be honest and open, but don't disclose more than you'd disclose to someone who sat next to you on the bus. I

Also lots of men think women on dating sites are easy, a stereotype which I did nothing to dispel (sorry) but man, you are going to have a few dates with people wanting a bit of the old rumpy pumpy within the first half hour. Not that there's anything wrong with THAT.

Look forward to hearing how it goes!

The Jules said...

(Yeah, you know who you are.)

There's my cue!

A friend (honest) had some success using the website where somebody who knows you well writes your biog for you. Mysinglefriend or some such site.

Also, make sure the pic is heavy on cleavage and light on barbeque sauce smeared round your chops.

Unless you're after a certain type of chap . . .

As MLS said, blog potential abounds here!

Maryx said...

I'm with CMG on this one!! =) I really think you should give it a shot. Good luck! Can't wait to hear more! (How can anyone NOT be captivated by you? You're such an interesting person with such a beautiful heart! Go for it!)

joeygirl said...

do it!
i've actually thought about this too - my curiosity can get the better of me.
i think it would be interesting to see what that world holds.
and, if you do do it, be as honest as you feel comfortable with, but tell no lies.

Sarah P said...

Don't join it. I have a better idea. I'm emailing you now, for really real this time.

Ally said...

just be honest, seriously. before i met my hubs (online in 2001), i went on (no lie) 50 internet dates. most of the guys i liked didn't call me back and the sketchy freaks LOVED me. when i finally met a cute, normal guy i wouldn't leave him alone until he married me. i swear, that's really how it went down!

Molly Malone said...

Hahahaa! I actually started writing my blog as a way to deal with the soul-sucking experiences I had when I was online dating, as I couldn't afford a therapist!

Mollie said...

I like Bon Qui Qui.

"I got a complicated order!"