Friday, September 17, 2010

Which one keeps fucking it up?

You ask questions you already know the answers to. It’s like a drug, this need.

You know when you plunge in the needle that its going to hurt you in the end, but you can’t stop. The rush is in the asking, in the moment before you get your answer, because you think that maybe…just maybe the answer will surprise you. But it doesn’t. That moment was the high – the answer your inevitable crash. You watch the puncture mark bleed and you immediately begin thinking about the next question – the one that will give you the answer you’re killing yourself for. Because you’re a junkie.

**********

I’ll tell you a secret – I spent a lot of time building this unfeeling person. Every tear, every taunt, every disappointment went into the making of her skin, so that it would be strong enough to withstand more. Insult and indignity shaped the bones of her feet and the planes of her face, to help her smile as she walked away. Her brain filled with distractions and responsibilities, her mouth filled with lies.

But I made a mistake.

See, I thought I could cut out the weaker version of myself – make a better one. But it doesn’t work that way. I created my own worst enemy. Someone that knows the secrets I keep from the rest of the world, that taunts me with her sarcasm and flippancy.

Here we sit in limbo, staring at each other over this bleeding arm, and I don’t know who is who anymore – I don’t know which one is crying and which one is smiling with derision and disgust.

Who’s hand pushes the plunger?

17 comments:

Eric said...

A little dark there...

Say, I met a junkie girlfriend of a bartender recently on an island last week way south of here. It's kind of a shame because she was a namesake of a famous place in New Orleans.

theTsaritsa said...

We're all only human. Don't beat yourself up about it-- we all have vulnerabilities and it sucks, but it makes us who we are. Be true to yourself. It's good to have a thick skin, but not so thick that it becomes a wall.

Philip said...

That's powerful as you surely know. You should also know that you're amongst friends. The ocean is wide but if my arms could reach they'd hug. Look after yourself. I know there ain't much to be said when you feel bad. But the world knocks us about a lot already, without us joining in on ourselves. Take care. P.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I love your honesty.
I know you're not asking but I care about you so I'll say it. The sooner you embrace that weaker self, the sooner you'll be stronger.

That weaker self....its the one we love, you know. We see through the sarcastic shell for what it is.

But if you need to write more dark stuff, it's good to let them duke it out for a while. I wish I was writing when I faced my demons.

Thinking of you, friend.

BugginWord said...

You're beautiful, even when you're broken. Smooches.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

My comment disappeared up Blogger's ass, therefore here is a repost, so sorry if you get it twice. Once more:

Dude, is there someone you would like me to come down and 'have a word with'? With my fists? Because I will resort to violence if absolutely necessary. I'm Scottish you know, we can deliver a mean head butt.

I hope you're feeling better. Both parts of you.

Beta Dad said...

A nice glass (or box) of white zin will take care of that turmoil. That and re-dedicating yourself to zumba. Reconciliation of the two selves is imminent!

Mr London Street said...

I don't trust anybody who doesn't have an evil twin. Or maybe, since I suspect we all do, I don't trust anybody who doesn't realise it.

This is beautifully done. I hope that writing it helped, reading it certainly did.

Didactic Pirate said...

Every once in a while,the Tough One gets knocked on his/her ass. It sucks. Especially after all the Sarcasm Training.

Writing about it can help a little, but doesn't make it suck less, unfortunately.

Hang in there.

Library girl said...

Agh - it's crap when you feel that way. If it makes you feel any better (probably not but it makes me feel better for saying it, selfish twat that I am!), you are no different from many others ... apart from the fact you are a fantastically talented writer with a razor sharp wit and an obviously strong will to survive in this world. Not everyone is that gifted :)

dirt clustit said...

I hear you, seriously, it's just that I always use my thumb.

hope you are doing OK

Shruthi said...

Hats off to you for putting this out there. I just hope the reason this questioning is happening is not something terrible. Either way, you're a brave soul for having the guts to look yourself in the eye and ask this question...

Nutbird said...

Please, call your therapist. She can help lighten your load. Get back in the water, you seem to enjoy yourself at the lake. Practice self love if you can. We care for you Ann

Judearoo said...

The 'weaker' more vunerable version of you is still part of you and not a worse version. Try not to be so hard on yourself; the vunerable part is something to be treasured and never disgusted by.

Hope you're ok, both parts of you. And hope you know that all us here would be on your doorstep armed with baseball bats to sort out whoever or whatever has made you feel this way if we thought it would help.

Much love, ole thing.

BrightenedBoy said...

What a revealing look into your head.

Your occasional vulnerability makes you that much more endearing--someone who could be snarky and insouciant all the time would probably be pretty vacant inside.

I completely understand what you mean about getting lost in a new self you've constructed; the version of me that I let others see has been finely honed by years of pain and rejection.

I insisted for years on refusing to compromise who I was just to be more popular, but after a very long and dark spell pragmatism won out. Retreating--a bit--from my convictions was better than being alone.

I don't regret that decision. I'm happy now.
But whenever I feel myself diving too deep into the happy-go-lucky character I've created, I remind myself never to keep the true BB alive, at least in my mind.

Paige said...

god i love your honesty.

wupppy said...

*goosebumps*

I feel bad for enjoying a piece so much about you feeling sad. I'm sorry.

you are an incredible writer. I say it as if it is news, it's not. But every time I read a post I just need to say it, because you are.