Friday, October 01, 2010

How you doin', daddy.

I currently have three unfinished blog posts in my folder. That has never happened to me before. I think the problem is, when I get interrupted from writing something, I lose my train of thought and it’s hard to get back to it later. I’m the sort of writer that has to sit down and do it all at one time, no matter how long it takes. I get flustered and irritated if I don’t.

One of the posts is about my mother and it’s undoubtedly the most difficult thing I’ve ever attempted to write. (One of my favorites wrote a brilliant post about her mother – it was incredibly beautiful. They aren’t really similar so I hope she won’t mind if I put it up soon. If you haven’t read it yet, please do. And tell her I sent you.) The second one is about the only love letter I ever wrote and the third is about my sister’s 18th birthday...in a manner of speaking. Which one would you guys be interested in reading the most?

Anyway, I know I’ve been writing a lot about dating and I hope you haven’t grown too tired of it yet. There just seems to be an endless amount of material there.

I’ve been getting messages from so many different characters. It’s almost like sensory overload. Just yesterday I was contacted by a single dad who, according to his profile, is way more straight laced than I am (like, all about God and shit), a large, redheaded professor at a local college, and a man that wanted to know where I buy my hair products.

“Your hair is awesome. What do you use and where can I find it?”

I’m serious.

And then last night I got this little gem from a guy in the military:

“Let’s be honest, all guys want sex. My case is a little different. I was deployed for a year and I spent the next year working two jobs, managing 23 interns in my own start up business, and going to school full time. Long story short, due to my life situation I haven’t had sex in two years. I don’t know how I kept my sanity. You can keep your pity cause I don’t want it, but I wanted to let you see that I’m not some guy lookin for a quick lay. I’m looking for a friend who likes and needs sex as much as I do. I have two years of passion to unleash on the right person and I find you to be stunning and completely attractive.”

Whoa there, Sparky. First of all – the guy looks like he’s playing dress up with his daddy’s fatigues. Second – Seriously? I’m not that fucking stupid. He needs to unleash that passion somewhere else...maybe get a fleshlight. The whole thing sounds like a desperate attempt to pass on some foreign version of herpes he caught on a dark desert night, and start an epidemic among the vaginas of America.

I immediately had to text a friend about it.

Me: Dude! You wouldn’t believe this freakin email I just got from this army guy.

Him: Send it to me.

Blah, blah, blah – issues with sending.

Him: Two years of passion? That’s a lot.

Me: Hahaha. Can you believe that shit?

Him: He just needs your vagina.

Me: He should order one then. No entrar.

Me: I just couldn’t believe anyone could have that much gall.

Him: He’s an American hero.

Me: So is my vagina.

Me: Neutralized plenty of weapons.

Him: Nice one.

Me: I know, right.

He was in a cranky mood because I’d pissed him off earlier, but had he not been...he totally would have laughed his ass off.

I haven’t responded to it yet because I honestly don’t know what to say. I probably won’t say anything. After all, even though I would never proposition someone like that; I can fully understand what it feels like to be unwillingly celibate. It sucks.

Then, this morning, I received an email from a guy in England. I wondered why on earth he’d contact me, but then I thought, “Maybe he’s a transplant and lives here now.” Nope.

The last question on my profile asks that I share something about myself that no one else knows. And the last sentence of my answer is, “Also, sometimes I burp.”

Him: Sometimes you burp?! Awesome, I love a girl with a good burp! Can you burp on cue?

Ok, I thought that was a bit strange, but it made me laugh. I figured it was a joke.

Me: Haha. As a matter of fact, yes. I can.

Him: Cool. I’m not ashamed to admit that I think it’s hot when women burp! Got any plans for this weekend?

Hmm. Ok...maybe he’s serious. Still, this could potentially be an interesting conversation.

Me: Nothing wrong with that. To each his own. I’m going out with friends tonight, but I don’t have any plans for the rest of the weekend. What about you?

Him: Exactly. I agree 100%! We all have our likes and dislikes, one of mine just happens to be women burping. I actually have a fetish for it if I’m being honest. I hope that doesn’t sound too gross...

I am beside myself with giggling by this point.

Me: Ha. I think a fetish is supposed to be a bit strange. Most people just don’t admit to them.

Him: Yeah they often are! I don’t go round shouting about mine, but why keep it to yourself all the time, you’re never going to be able to act on it if you do! I want one day to find a nice girl who can burp loudly and doesn’t mind burping in my face!

Oh...motherfucker. I dare anyone to say shit to me now about getting slapped in the face.

Me: Ha. I have no doubt you’ll find one.

Him: I hope so. All the cute chicks who burp seem to be thousands of miles away though!

Me: They are. Only uncouth American girls burp.

Him: Maybe it isn’t a burping fetish I have then, maybe it’s an American girl fetish! Haha I might have to get on a plane to find the girl of my dreams in that case!

Me: Perhaps it is.

It was strange because half of our conversation was normal and the other half...was like that. We talked about our jobs and traveling; I mentioned that I was planning a trip to England in the spring. Then he said that if I was near where he lived, and I felt like burping, not to hesitate. Like an idiot, I laughed and said “ok”. But in my defense, I was trying to treat the whole thing like a joke.

Him: I’ll hold you to that now you’ve said ok. I want to hear you burp now! Lol.

Me: haha.

Where do these people come from?

Right now I’m talking to two guys, other than Sam, frequently. One is very nice – exactly the opposite of what I would normally go for. And the other...the other was badass. His profile was hilarious – snarky, abrasive, smart. I loved it. We started talking and we had so much fun. But yesterday it took a turn into loony town.

He told me that he likes me. Ok, great, cool.

He told me he thinks I’m beautiful. Swell, thanks.

Then he told me that he wants to hold me and kiss me and lalalalala, etc, “I lied on my profile and the truth is that I actually have a vagina. P.S. – I will get sensitive when you back up and say you aren’t big on PDA. I’m on my period.”

Sigh.

It’s one thing if I know I’m talking to a lovey guy. It’s another for them to misrepresent themselves and then come out with this Casanova weirdo shit later on down the road. Psssh. Men.

In other news:

Tonight I have my third date with Sam. Well, I suppose you could call it the third. Technically all we accomplished on the second was a brief conversation and a sprint to his bedroom.

I know you guys are used to me completely spilling my guts and going into a detailed description worthy of a Harlequin novel, but somehow I don’t think I should right now. Suffice it to say – the sex was phenomenal and I don’t know if I’ll ever sleep with a younger man again.

I must go – errands to run, dancing in front of mirrors in my underwear singing “Waiting for tonight Oooooh!” to do.

20 comments:

Baglady said...

Thank you for the plug. It means a lot coming from you.

I can't choose between the love letter and the one about your mum. Tricky. I am intrigued by both.

I have never heard of someone having a burping fetish. Where does that sort of shit come from? Weird. (Each to his own, of course).

Hope you have fun tonight ;)

Beta Dad said...

Man I'm glad I don't have to date. Except for the awesome sex part--that sounds all right.

Anyway--let's see the love letter post. Get on it. Chop chop.

Eric said...

I have literally hours of passion saved up, haha.

Yankee Girl said...

I came over from Mean Girl Garage because your name is Alyson. And my name is Alyson. So I thought if you were named Alyson your blog has to totally rock ass. And it does. So here I am.

Xylina Myia said...

I think the love letter would be interesting. Awesome about talking to three guys all at the same time. My mom once was talking to three guys as well and they all came over my grandmothers (where we were living at the time) unannounced. To top it off all around the same time, so Imagine 3 guys all wanting to be the one for my mom, my mom, me and my grand mom sitting in the living room just chatting it up. Sipping on some cola talking about the weather you know relaxing. My mother was cool, calm and collected while sitting there as if this train wreck wasn't happening. It was awesome! Make sure they all don't know where you live, you never know when they may pop in for a surprise visit!

An said...

De-lurking to say that I vote for the one about your mother. I'm always interested in reading about other mother-daughter relationships to compare with mine!

Oh, and I'm totally enjoying all the posts about dating. Definitely not tired of it. Mainly because you're so hilarious.

Jo said...

An made me feel guilty that I am a lurker too so I am popping out of the blog reading closet to tell you a: how fantastic your blog is, and b: if writing about your mum is the hardest thing you have ever written, then it goes without saying that it will be worth the reading. :)

Good luck with your dates!

wupppy said...

aaaaah, THAT's IT?? is it weird if I beg you to tell us about the phenomenal?

theTsaritsa said...

I wanna hear about the love letter, but that's just me.

JUST ME said...

At least someone's getting good sex right now.

ENJOY IT baby!

Didactic Pirate said...

I vote love letter. Not that I wouldn't read posts about the other two topics.

But you know that the stuff coming from your online dating adventures is The. Most. Awesome.

P.S. I get that women like badasses, but I forbid you to date one that's *too* much of one, cuz of how he won't respect you and stuff. That's right. I just forbade you.

Library girl said...

Love letter kinda fits the theme you have going with the dating (which btw is awesome - you HAVE to know we're all checking up regularly to see what online and otherwise dating adventures you're having!).
Good to see a man of *ahem* around my era has the skills to make a young lady's eyes cross :P
And totally understand the withholding of info - good sign :)

Ed said...

First,
"Him: He’s an American hero.

Me: So is my vagina."
...That's AWESOME.

Glad you learned that us men are like cheese and wine and get better with age.

I say, post the Love letter.

Kal said...

I am like you. If something percolates in my brain for more than a minute it's gone so I like to just find, write, post, and move on. It works for me. Good luck on finding your stallion.

nova said...

Burp...fetish...

No.

Just Plain Tired said...

I can honestly say a person can never be tired of hearing about these dating horror stories. Hilarity is never a bad thing.

Judearoo said...

Hours of passion or litres of..?

Very much enjoying your tales from DatingOnlineland.

Re the burping fetish, I'm betting if you had said unicycling he'd be admitting to a unicycling fetish. Boy just wants to get in those knickers, Al, and whatever way does the job is fine by him. The loser.

Question - Does Sam know about this blog?

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BugginWord said...

Your vagina is G.I. Joe?

Abasee said...

Rob is an idiot. Your blog kicks ass and takes names - keep up the good work.