Monday, November 15, 2010

The stalker's book of irritating faces

The internet has brought people watching into a different arena. You can see someone do their daily routine on a YouTube video, read and track their every move on Twitter, see what their interests and passions are on a forum. You can find out what they wore that day, what they had for dinner, and with certain people who over share (that shall remain nameless), you even know how many times they got off the night before.

In some cases you learn more about a person by watching their videos and reading their words online, than you can by watching their hand gestures and lip movements from the bushes across the street with a telephoto lens. Am I right, guys? What some call “cyber stalking”, others call “sitting in my swivel chair and wearing a bib to catch the drool while I look through all 793 of your photos instead of driving past your house three times a day, hoping to catch a glimpse as you walk by the window”. Or, you know, “social networking”.

I’ve found that I’m occasionally more interested in a person via their online dealings than I am if they’re in front of my face. I think it’s mostly about safety: I can watch them without worrying that they’ll come up to me. I can click an X and they’ll go away. I can laugh at pictures of them and they’ll never know. I can pick my nose and wear my pjs covered in baby chickens without fear of discovery. But there’s one site I’m on the fence about - Facebook.

Truthfully I don’t spend a lot of time on it. I only reopened my account this past summer (which I swore I’d never do after my very large Aunt, whose main hobbies are sucking down troughs of sweet tea and reading Harlequin novels in a recliner all day, bombarded my wall with messages not three minutes after I clicked on accept) when pictures of me started cropping up all over the place. I decided I would reactivate it so I could swap photos with my friends easily, etc and so forth. And for the most part it’s worked out quite well, especially since my Aunt has now forsaken FB in lieu of some new gaming site.

I’m not sure why, but I find Twitter far more interesting. (Maybe because I only use it for bloggers and there's no pressure to behave.) The only reasons I really pay attention to someone’s Facebook updates are if: they look like they can benefit me in some way, I’d like to see them naked, they are about me or contain pictures of me, or I happened to see a vulgar word. Vulgarity always gets my attention.

I don’t mind admitting that I’m very particular about who I accept friend requests from. The main reason for that is that I don’t really like people. The second, and more accurate reason, is that if I start accepting whoever, my blog could get out there. Then I’ll be forced to start a new one about baking pies and making flower arrangements, rather than whom I got busy with the other week (Which, in case you were wondering, is the 43 year old I haven’t written about because he has the link to this blog and that would be so rude (right?). Hello, R. Round two? RAWR!). And no one wants that, least of all me. I’m terrible at flower arrangements and I prefer cake.

But there are people that I can’t say no to. Though I am particular about whom I accept there’s no way I can turn down a friend request from, say, my kid’s grandmother. Or as I like to call her, “The Non-In-Law”. (My mother calls her “Heinous Hair”, but that’s another story.) I don’t particularly want her to have my updates and I definitely don’t want to see my feed bombarded with her ridiculous mystery eggs and fake lost cows. And it may sound completely illogical, but when she sent me an instant message through there the other day, I got really aggravated. Contact online was not necessary – especially since she has a million other ways to get a hold of me. Stalker.

Hell, before we’d gone on our first date, Sam sent me a request. I was absolutely appalled. I remember saying to my sister, “The motherfucker has gone and infiltrated my Facebook! If I say no, he’ll think I’m hiding something. If I say yes, he’ll find out things I might not be ready for him to find out yet...which doesn’t count as hiding, so shut your pie hole. I mean, give me a chance to say hello before you feel me up, am I right?”

“What? Feel you up? But I thought you hadn’t...”

“Go away! You suck at this game!”

No matter how particular I am, I always end up with a few people that make me want to vomit. I occasionally put up a bit about my kid, but it’s never really touchy feely. Write a whole post that makes fun of her giant behind yet also shows how much I love her? Sure, no problem! Write a paragraph update on FB about how she makes tears come to my eyes every time she punches me in the ovaries, not because it hurts, but because she’s such a glorious miracle from God? Hell no.

When a certain friend posts a status about her toddler or puts up photos of her family I think, “How are you even old enough to have a family? Are you on uppers? Please, for the love of Christ, stop posting every five minutes about how wonderful your life is and how your child said something completely dull.”

Case and point –

One of my updates: “So apparently my crumb snatcher starts Kindergarten on Wednesday. Man, I feel old.”

One of her updates, paraphrased because writing it outright makes me gag: “Like, waiting on my fantastic husband to get home with my little prince. I’m so lucky. Blessings and, like, flowers, hearts and heavenly trumpets, venereal disease is a total myth, ya’ll!”

I can handle that kind of thing in small doses, but this is like an everyday occurrence...saying the same exact shit. And each update is half a fucking page long. Get a mommy blog for fucks sake! Ahem. I’m hoping I can delete her unobtrusively in the near future.

Don’t even get me started on the damn farm and treasure hunting stuff. I haven’t explored it all, but I asked a friend just what exactly they were supposed to do on this Farmville shit. Apparently all you have to do is click on things and holy crap! You’re a farmer! There was a longer explanation, but it all boils down to this: It’s the most boring “game” I’ve ever heard of in my life. Maybe even more coma inducing that golf.

But, as of this past weekend, you know what the best thing about Facebook is?

Signing in, glancing at your feed to see if there’s anything there about you (because hello, that’s what it’s all about), and instead being slapped in the face with a picture of the guy you’ve been seeing and a woman that’s hotter and skinnier that you. It sucks, even if you weren’t crazy about him. Because no woman wants to find out, through the fucking internet, that the guy she let put it in her ass, against her usual better judgment, has been shacking up with someone that’s better looking.

The only positive aspect is that I don’t have to wonder anymore. Now I know why he hasn’t called lately – It’s not because he’s dead or I offended him. He’s just balls deep in some hot old broad.

I guess my main issue is this – It isn’t blog land. I can’t say anything I want. Well I could, but I was taught to respect my elders and, as much as the Non-In-Law and other older family members irritate me, I can’t bring myself to call them fuckers or demand they stop bombarding me with their stupid cartoon crops. And I can’t tell my old friend that I don’t give a rip roaring shit about her completely generic kid. And I can’t post a comment on a photo that says, “It really doesn’t matter if you’re a little bit prettier than me. He’s just going to shove your face in the pillow anyway. I said What What in the Butt.” Because feelings could get hurt.

And because, in case you weren’t already aware, Facebook is real life dot com.


Baglady said...

"Balls deep in some hot old broad".

I love you.

That will be all.

Just Plain Tired said...

I've never had the urge to open a FB account. I do like twitter though.

Penny Dreadful said...

Oh what a wanker. I hate the deliberate-on-purpose-I'm-bonking-someone-else-dump. Only guys who are too pathetic to be able to actually TALK to girls use that ruse.

Simple Dude said...

Whew.. that was a heck of a post. My lady friend used Facebook for about 6 months and then dropped it. She was sick of all the old acquaintances (non friends) in her life friending her.

I think that stuff is more annoying for women then for men - mainly because most of the nut case perv, stalking, weirdos out there are men. I've been waiting 30 some years for a female stalker... sigh.


Ed said...

If this post had a vagina, I'd marry it.

I couldn't second these statements enough.

I rarely do any social networking anymore, because it got boring and I have too much real life going on.

But when I do, I rarely worry about offending people now.

BugginWord said...

I dunno, I love me some facebook. Then again, I still write things with a pen and paper. I'm a luddite, right? At least I finally gave up on Friendster...

You'd be surprised how often I see references to anal sex in my fb feed.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I must admit, I am a total Facebook addict. I am on there constantly stalking instead of working like I am being paid to do. (hangs head in shame)

rubbish said...

Cut the fookers dick off.

Didactic Pirate said...

Heh. Interestingly, I just opened up a new FB profile solely for blog related purposes. I would friend you, but won't since 1) I totally concur that being FB friends with me wouldn't add much to your day-to-day pursuits, 2) I rarely post naked pictures of myself there. Seriously, it almost never happens. Well, except for this morning. But that's only because I was just feeling so darn good about myself.

mylittlebecky said...

exactly. facebook, pffft. the end.

dirt clustit said...

Again, exactly the way you do it in all your posts it's a sarcastic way to lie by saying you are joking after seriously telling the truth but they the truth about things that are the sort of things it is common knowledge that someone is lying about (I don't think anything cares if you have a crush on the boy you poke at until he cries)

just tell us what we ALL really want to know.

Do you or do you not like farmville? Golf is boring a chording to EVERYBODY, but some prefer boring.

is your favorite color yellow or blue?

or green handcuffed to bed and ass slapped until slightly bleeding red?

Adventure Spot said...

Yeah Facebook is the devil. Funny how people put whatever they want on the internet and expect people to not notice what is going on in their lives. Also it's never good to be friends with someone you not completely over on Facebook. Feelings get hurt and some how you find out who a person truly is. I mean you may have this idea of them in person but online they are completely different.
I say to the guy you found with a new chick to HELL with him. He obviously wasn't the one for you and you should take something away from this experience. Think about what you truly want so that the next time you won't waste your time on people who don't matter. SO keep your head up and post some hot fucking pictures of yourself up on Facebook in those shoes he loved so much straddled around some other dude. That will show him!

Also I agree on the annoying updates about a "perfect life with a perfect child and a happy home" no one's life is that perfect or happy all the damn time. Also hate it when people are perpetually in a depressive mood. Please don't bring me down with your sad updates either. How about no one updates their status! Start a new trend!

Philip said...

Yeah, what dirt clustit said. I think. But I'm not 100% sure. Hang on. No. I've changed my mind. I'm not sure what s/he meant after all.

Nice post, Facebook is weird. Everyone always ROFLing, LOLing WTFing.

Posing in photos. Blah de blah.

But hey - wanna be my friend? I know. Never said I was consistent.

Eric said...

FB is the devil. I don't want people to know when I buy toilet paper or what I'm doing every instant. Anonymity is the best.

CkretsGalore said...

Yeah I'm an addict as well but I know what you mean about people updating how blissful their life is. Gaggsies.

My ex doesn't understand why I removed him from FB. Told him he doesn't need to FB stalk me. He has my email if he wants to get in touch.

JUST ME said...

Oh dude...sorry you had to find it out over Facebook. What a douche. Genuine Douche.

I found out my 2 year crush was MARRIED over Facebook about year ago. I nearly puked when *those* pictures came up.

csmith2884 said...

Ok so conversation with my 18yr old son,

Me pretending to be the adult:"how come I saw comments on your g/f's FB in a name I don't know?"

Son: "Well duh I have an account for you guys and an account for friends, because you don't want to know the shit that goes on at college."

Me: "See knew that tuition wasn't wasted."

Sarah P said...


Have you ever noticed the people who put flowers and hearts before and after their FB names and write "so blessed" or "enjoying beautiful afternoon with my perfect, beautiful family" or "i love my life!!!1!" are, in real life, assholes?

jerrod said...

i can't stand the status updates like "went to the movies. it sucked. now i am eating fish. there is a bone in it. i wish it didn't have a bone. after dinner i'm going to bed. then get up and go to work tomorrow. i will have a case of the mondays. ha. ha. lol lol lol lol...

shoot me.

Anonymous said...

I hate Facebook. It's just there to remind me of all the people I hate and have hated in the past. Twitter, on the other hand? Twitter is nice and safe and awesome because those raging idiots that I hate haven't discovered it yet. Whew.

Anonymous said...

Loved this post!

Jane said...

Great post and completely agree with you about FB.
I deactivated my account as I kept being sent virtual drinks???

Jimmy said...

I found this blog through Hippest Snippets. Nice post!

Not sure you care, but this might interest you.

H.M.R. said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who picks their nose while reading the internet.

nova said...

Oh how I want to quit the facebook. So much. But it's so entwined in my social life... it's so weird.

Mladen said...

I'll just say that this was a fucking awesome read!

Annabelle said...

Facebook used to be cool. It was the land of drunk college kids messaging last night's hookup. It was the land of party information. Now it's the land of... Farmville.

Zuckerberg, I'm glad you expanded and are now a billionaire, but really...?

The Kid In The Front Row said...

I think Facebook is just real life, just exaggerated, which is terrible. But there I am and there I am and there I am on Facebook, I'm sure I have reasons, I just don't know them yet.

"sitting in my swivel chair and wearing a bib to catch the drool while I look through all 793 of your photos instead of driving past your house three times a day" -- these words really captured my imagination, I'd not thought of it that way before. It almost makes you wonder if traditional stalking is a big deal in comparison to the ridiculous stalking of the internet (of course it is, but y'know) said...

Balls deep! Love it.

Dude, the annoying over-positive FB posts drive me up the fucking wall. Especially when they include the word "blessed." Barf.

Love you!

Sally-Sal said...

"He’s just going to shove your face in the pillow anyway"

I have some people on facebook I'd like to say that to.

That made me laugh really, really hard. Inappropriately hard.

I love you.

Sockrma18 said...


Mostly cuz you are who I was when "I was your age"...(no, I'm not old, just old-er).

You crack me up. You say things that everyone else in the world is thinking - just too stinkin' scared to say it out loud, you write in the most hilarious "I don't really give a rip" way and I find myself GLUED to your blog in order to catch up and make sure I've soaked in every last vulgar, offensive word. You are my blog hero.

So, ok....I appear to be a stalker.

I'm not.

Anyway, when you get to my blog, you will surely be unimpressed because I'm too chicken to write about what I "did" last night....I'll just read your blog and wish I still had your guts.

Kudos to you for keepin' it reelz.


My badge says my name is Dave said...

brutal ..funny shit, only fair i let you look at mine cuz i looked at yours ;)
hmmm i may have posted twice how amateur of me tsk tsk