Monday, February 14, 2011

No glove, no love

There’s a burning feeling deep inside and it won’t go away. Your skin feels inflamed and raw, you can’t stop scratching. You’re worried that someone will find out your dirty little secret, you’re paranoid, and its making you lash out. You’re alternately angry and weepy – life just isn’t fair! And you think to yourself, “Maybe if I hadn’t given in so easily...things would be different.”

And of course by “you”, I mean “me”. And by all of the above I’m referring, in a possibly over-dramatized fashion, to Valentine’s Day. Though I can see how you might have been misled.

If venereal disease was a holiday, I’m pretty sure it would be Valentine’s Day - based on Wikipedia facts and those nasty little brochures they leave lying around in the vagina doctor’s waiting room. I’ve never actually had a venereal disease, but I have had a yeast infection. And if a yeast infection was a holiday, it would be the equally annoying, yet less shamefully soul sucking, Halloween. It puts on an ugly costume and tries to scare you, but you know it’s just kidding.

Where was I going with this?

Oh, right. Valentine’s Day is gross.

It’s largely a meaningless, consumer driven holiday, designed to make single people miserable – either because they’re sick and tired of watching couples be all nasty or because the loneliness has just become too much.

As a strong, independent woman (read: single and with no current prospects), I can’t just go around admitting that it sometimes “sucks to be alone” or that every time the bell rings for the back door of our office I start to break out in hives because I know it’s another motherfucking flower delivery. “No one by that name works here! Go away! Scratch scratch scratch.”

I can’t really pretend Valentine’s Day doesn’t exist, but damn it I can hate it. I can scoff at the idiots that waste their money on stuffed animals and lip-shaped balloons, say “It’s so stupid” to anyone that will listen, and then secretly watch the all-about-love marathon on Lifetime in my pajamas with a tub of ice cream. That’s the more socially acceptable route: You can hate the holiday, just don’t ruin it with your sad sack routine in front of all the happy people...loser.

And I play by the rules. I only get all wistful about not having someone once in awhile, like on Valentine’s Day, and I generally keep it to myself. And it’s never for the whole day because, let’s face it, I’m not really one for romantic hoo-ha.

It’s easy to want the things you don’t have, the grass is always greener and all that, but if I think about it objectively I probably wouldn’t like all that girly hearts and flowers shit anyway.

You know what I think is romantic? Not rose petals, silk, and champagne. Not love poems, watching the sunset, and whispered words of devotion. It’s simple:

Put your dick in a box.

Alright, so that’s not entirely accurate, but it would definitely trump a stuffed animal.

I have one romantic fantasy, and it’s pretty simple. There aren’t any props or gifts and it’s not in a specific location. I won’t go into a lot of details but basically it starts with a look in his eyes and a little leisurely touching, then a bit of clothes ripping, then ends with, well, a bang. Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom: Romantico!

Mom says that I shoot myself in the foot where men are concerned, and that if I’d stop giving up the goods so soon they’d probably stick around and buy me stuff for Valentine’s Day.

There may be a grain of truth in that since I just heard that the last man I went out with is suddenly in love with someone else. Not that he was ever in love with me, there wasn’t any of that, but maybe if I’d played my cards right he would have been? I guess we’ll never know. Either way, I hope she loves him back because he’s an alright guy, and there’s nothing worse than loving someone that doesn’t love you in return. Except maybe VD.

Anyway, since I’m alone again this year, I wondered if I should do something different. Maybe start my own Valentine’s Day tradition that has nothing to do with romance, cheap presents, or venereal disease. It should be something healthy, something that keeps me away from the Lifetime movies and doesn’t cause my temper to flare up.

That immediately got rid of the “go out on the town with other single friends” idea. Inevitably, someone always ends up crying and blowing their nose on someone else’s sparkly tube top in the bathroom after they got groped on the dance floor by a guy that kind of looked like their ex, but seemed so much nicer at first. Or, as proof of our independence from all things love and male, we’d end up making out with each other, groping each other, taking pictures and then deeply regretting it the next day when they showed up on some bitch’s Facebook as revenge for when so-in-so just happened to mention that you made out with her boyfriend seven years ago. Nope, not a good idea.

Some other things that were quickly discarded were: going to the gym, making an “I’m not bitter” video blog, and hanging out with high school age children and making prank calls. In the end, though, I just decided to keep it simple:

Put on Phil Collins, take a muscle relaxer and masturbate. My hand won’t feel like it’s attached to my body, therefore, it’ll seem like it belongs to someone else.

“And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord...”


theTsaritsa said...

I love Phil Collins. But hey, if you get tired of strumming the guitar (that was supposed to be a euphemism), you can always break out some magazines and make collages. I've been cutting out photos and words from old magazines for a few weeks now and it's great relaxation. Just an idea!

Sharon Longworth said...

Stupendous, quite remarkable.

Nothing more to say just now, though I may have to go back and read again.

Philip said...

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha bitter nasty funny is the best funny."Put on Phil Collins, take a muscle relaxer and masturbate". If it's all the same to you I'll give that a miss. The third is fine, the second is tolerable, but the first is obscene and unacceptable.

chastine perkins00 said...


Anonymous said...

For some reason your "romantic fantasy made me think of the "Naked Man" episode of How I Met Your mother.

It gives you exactly what you need. No more, no less...LOL

BugginWord said...

Muscle relaxers...why hadn't I thought of that?

*pads off to scour medicine cabinet*

Kev D. said...

Phil Collins as masturbatory mood music? Well that's just crazy.

Try humming "He's got the whole world in his hands" instead. You'll feel both powerful AND sexy.

Baglady said...

Phil Collins is properly under rated so I am glad you are getting an extra ounce or two of pleasure from him.

Muscle relaxant? Doesn't that mean you might not be able to strum along at all?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I was imagining the horn solo from Susudio, but "In the Air Tonight" works too, I guess.

That hand trick is called "The Stranger" by the way. I learned that on monster apathy. Because where else.

Mental101 said...

I decided to have hate a person day instead. x

dys·func·tion said...


That is all.

Sally-Sal said...

Valentines Day. Sigh. I never liked it even when I was in a relationship.

If VD was a holiday for my benefit, it'd include drunkenness, sharing inappropriate and raunchy stories, and maybe a late night trip to Taco Hell.

That last line cracked me up. Can't go wrong with Phil.

Pam Strickland said...

Like they say, Love the one you're with. Yeah, VD sucks. (I meant Valentine's Day)

JUST ME said...

Me? I'm going to hot yoga. Nothing says "I love ME" like being unflexible in front of people and sweating all my make-up off until it's just frightening.

PS: I once had a friend who said Phil Collins's voice gave her a terrible headache every.single.time she heard it.

caterpillar said...


Bella said...

i told my bf all he was allowed to get me today was a heart shaped pizza from Papa Johns... all that other crap is just lame. we are also going to play dodgeball tonight, nothing says "i love you" like pelting people with rubber balls.

Anonymous said...

Is your happiest moment during the kick ass drum solo?

t.WeeZy said...

The sad thing to this is, I've totally masturbated to that song. :(

Beta Dad said...

Maybe your "stranger hand" will buy you some flowers too. Happy stupid-ass Valentine's Day.

Meowlissa said...

Well I was there and I saw what you did, I saw it with my own two eyes.

As always, one of my favorite reads. Happy post VD day, or V day, or Happy post-pleasure-your-own-cash-and prizes-day.


erin said...

I've never taken any meds like that before. I have a feeling I'm missing out. I also have a feeling that you won't ever ever get me out of bed if I did. Ever.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Dude, you're never going to get a proper "screamy" from that baldy Collins dude. That's perverse! :)

Nari said...

Huh...mellow, calm...I guess it was a slow burn. I'm too impatient for all that. If I'm doing all the work, I want my prize fast but at least it's a good method to steer clear of VD.

joeygirl said...

I have a feeling you would love the valentine's day pillow fights here in San Francisco.

Clare Dunn said...

Valentine's Day
Venereal Disease
Vagina Doctor
Virtual Dick mentioned them all.

Very-well Done

Amanda said...

My best friend calls it "Singles Awareness Day"

The Jules said...

I think indulging in a menage a une is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a romantic evening with yourself.

The only sure fire way to get less sex on Valentine's day is to be married.

Girl Interrupted said...

Hey! Thought I'd drop by, and so glad I did, your post gave me a much-needed laugh.

I did actually get a card this year so have called off the hitmen I usually employ to try to take out Cupid. I'm no fool though and we've scheduled a meeting for next February to review the situation.

Valentines is not my cup of tea, I think it's much nicer to get a bunch of flowers out of blue, for absolutely no reason at all, and not just because a bunch of retailers say you should.

I also like that you drew comparisons with Halloween, they are very similar, bunch of people dressing up, pretending to be something they're not and overdosing on sickly sweet stuff.

Cynical? Me?

Reading your posts makes me realise how much I've missed this little community and some of the people in it ... it also makes me remember that it's hard work to keep up with some of the prolific and talented bloggers, such as your good self. Either way, I really ought to make more of an effort. Yeah, maybe I will.

Thanks for dropping by my blog, it was great to hear from you. I hope all is good with you :) I'm doing ok, slowly but surely getting back my life.

I will be back ... and in the meantime, if you fancy setting up some kind of 'Valentines Sucks' committee, I'm available for keenly cynical, slightly acidic, input and support ;)

See you soon, and pleeeease keep writing x

The Kid In The Front Row said...

Wow. You pour so much heart and honesty onto the page (blog) that it's kind of jarring. But in a great way, I mean, it's so honest! I don't relate to what you're saying but I also completely relate to a lot of what you're saying-- and yes I am being contradictory, but then so is your post--- but I meant that in a positive way!

"Inevitably, someone always ends up crying and blowing their nose on someone else’s sparkly tube top in the bathroom after they got groped on the dance floor by a guy that kind of looked like their ex" - ha! Great writing.

Anonymous said...

I'm a visual kinda guy, so listening to Phil Collins isn't going to work for me on several levels, but if it floats your boat (or the little man in the boat), more power to ya.

Now about that dick in a box - must it be separated from ones body? Cuz that could get a little messy.

And yeah - you and Phil got more for VD than a whole lot of us married folk.

Jenny DB said...

So what you're saying is it's no coincidence that VD= valentines day AND venereal disease. Never thought of that before :-)

The Lissst! said...


I was on the bus the other day and some lady i've never met asked if I was getting my special someone a valentine. I told her my wife and I had separated. The next few miles or so she kept telling me how I should still get her a valentine, even though we were separated and all. Right before her last stop I asked her if she was married or had a special someone. She told me she was recently divorced as well.
I asked her if it's because her husband didn't give her a valentine last year.
She told me to fuck off.

Me said...

EXCATLY! I felt the same way! Good stuff!

Maryx said...

Whoop Whoop for hating VD!! Urgh! Not my type of holiday... just not sure if it's because I'm single or because I really don't care for it.

Great post!