Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Why I don't like (receiving) oral sex:


Aside from the fact that I’ve only met one man that could do it without making me feel like a turkey being glazed before stuffed.....

It’s all Michael Bolton’s fault.

That’s right. That long haired crooner of the 90’s ruined oral sex for me.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I liked him alright. “When a man loves a woman” was a classic...a ballad for lovers young and old. “How am I supposed to live without you” made me want to get on my knees and raise my hands to the sky and shout, “WHY! WHY!” before collapsing into a heap of teenage angst on the floor.

My mother was completely obsessed with him. I don’t mean, “Gosh, he’s just so handsome. I love his music. I have all his albums. My friends and I are so excited his concert tour is coming through!”

Nuh uh.

I mean, “OH MY FUCKING GAWD LOOK AT THAT MAAAAN! I WANT TO CLIMB UP THAT BODY AND STAY THERE TILL I MELT OFF! SCREAM! THEY’RE PLAYING MY FAVORITE SONG! IT’S MICHAEL IT’S MICHAEL! WHEN A MAAAAAN LOVES A WOOOOMAN! SWOON.”

She had so many t-shirts with his face plastered on them. Most of them were sleep shirts so she could “lie against his face”. Yeah, I’m serious.

I still remember the day the announcement came over the radio that he was coming here for a concert. We were in the car. I almost died that day. She swerved and yelled and if it’s possible to do the mambo while driving...she did it. I still blame my bad (selective) hearing on her Michael screaming fits.

She’d hidden her camera in her pants to get it into the concert and came back with 4 rolls of film. Where she put them all, I never want to know.

Evidently, while singing one of his soulful songs, Michael decided to walk down an aisle and into the fevered group of middle aged women. Schmuck.

My mom had an aisle seat. As soon as he got to her row (and I’ve heard this story 70 thousand times) he stopped. He looked at her as he crooned into the microphone. He got right.up.in.her.shit...and took her hand. After a second, she jerked her hand back, whipped out her camera, and snapped a picture right.up.in.his.shit.

Her friend said the poor man couldn’t move for about 15 seconds. Just stood their singing and blinking while my mother screamed, “MICHAEL MICHAEL I LOVE YOU”. It’s lucky for mom that her friend hid the camera. Otherwise, I never would have had the pleasure of gazing into an 8x10 blown up photo of Michael Bolton’s startled face every single day for about 10 years.

And now, we’ve come back to ME.

I was young, dumb, and full of false bravado when it came to boys.

I was also home alone quite often. My sister stayed at a sitters or a friend’s house until my mom collected her, as I was not to be trusted. Something about feeding cat food to her and her friends. Whatever.

One summer I had a very eager and experimental boyfriend that we shall call Big Nose, or BN for short.

BN didn’t live very far and he would ride his bike through the woods to come see me almost every day.

After weeks of making out, he finally convinced me to allow him access to the Holy Grail. (Yes, I said weeks. I wasn’t always slutty.) And so we progressed from only under the shirt feely action and tonsil hockey to fingering.

I was less impressed by this fingering business than my friends. Mostly because BN had no idea where the clitoris is....or probably even WHAT it is. Probably thought it was a myth, like unicorns and free hookers.

I braved his fingered onslaught like a champion, only occasionally saying, “Would you hurry up”, when he got a little too excited.

Then one afternoon he made me an offer I was too bored to refuse.

“Wanna let me...you know?”

“What”, I said, popping my gum.

“Go down?”

Big sigh. “I guess. Saved by the Bell doesn’t come on for another half hour anyway.”

He dragged me back to my parent’s bedroom, of all fucking places, because “they have a water bed and I hear it’s better.”

To which I replied, “I’m not having sex with you.”
And he said, “I know that...I mean I think it’ll be more fun.”
Gum pop. “Uh huh.”

And so we arranged ourselves on the bucking water bed. I was nervous and hiding it pretty well behind my practiced disdain.

He reached over to hit the play button on the tape player and said, “Just for a little background...” and out came Michael’s voice.

I gritted my teeth and looked up at the ceiling as he made his move.

Ok. Alright. This was fine. Weird, but fine.

As I turned my head to the side, Michael started in on “Time, love, and tenderness” and my eyes locked on the giant framed photo of his face. Staring at me.

And the water bed was making little slosh slosh noises...and BN was making weird slurping noises and poking me (unpleasantly) with his gigantic nose...and Michael was staring at me and singing, “Oh baby, oh baby, you just need some tiiiiime love and tendernesssssss” and BN started moving his tongue in time with the lyrics and it was FREAKING ME OUT. Time, lick, love, lick, and, lick, tenderness, three fast...lick lick lick.

And it scared me, ok.

Something about the combination of the water bed, that giant nose, and Michael Bolton timed licking knocked me off oral. It took me years not to hear that long haired fucker in my head every time a man dined in.

The one that finally managed to make it seem like a pleasure and not a thing to get out of the way was, go figure, a man whore and the kid’s dad. I’m sure he could tie cherry stems into knots with his tongue. Maybe even lift a five pound dumbbell with it.

The first time he came after me with that thing, I ran. Well, crawled relatively fast across the bed. Once I explained the problem to him, and he finished laughing hysterically, he held me down and tried to cure me. And there was no love and tenderness involved.

Now that he’s out of the picture and leading a life of abstinence, (ironic laughter) I’ve reverted back to my old issues. There’s just not been another that knows what the fuck is going on down there.

And that is how Michael Bolton gave me an oral sex complex.

The End.

32 comments:

Judearoo said...

That. is. the. freaking FUNNIEST thing Ive read in months!!!!

Ooooh bravo, lady!!!!

And incidently you're right, so many guys get it so so wrong (little freaked out my Micheal Bolton now).

Sally-Sal said...

That was hilarious. I don't like Mr. Bolton for a lot of reasons, but that just gives me another one.

As for guys and oral sex, I've had guys that I've written manuals for, directed them, taken them by the ears, and they still manage to fuck it up.
I know the vagina is intimidating, but for fuck's sake.

erin said...

Best Post Ever.

My mom liked Patrick Swayze. She's in mourning right now. I feel really bad for her.

Sort of.

And I've never been interested in a lot of sexual things because I had a lack of 'excitement' for my partner. I was almost bordering on shy...just cause I didn't get all that into it.
Now I'm a freaking maniac. Poor Jeremiah. I mean it's good for Jeremiah, but the guy is tired. I mean TIRED.

rubbish said...

I can only echo the other commentors. awesome post. Poot old Michael, if only he knew.

Organic Meatbag said...

Fucking A...I'm glad I didn't get my first beej to anything ridiculous like, oh by Andy Williams... it would be hard to explain to somebody why I would get an erection every time I heard "Moon River"...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I wouldn't be surprised if you get a few "ME!ME! I do it good!" email offers.

The worst is the drool down the ass crack. That's YOURS, jerko, clean up after yourself down there!!

Michael Bolton. Hilarious.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Kind of puts a new spin on his classic song "Can I Touch You...There?", doesn't it?

This has to be one of the best cunnilingus stories I've heard that wasn't featured in Chasing Amy.

Mr London Street said...

I loved this post, just perfect. Is it Michael Bolton who released Can I Touch You There..?. I'm guessing the answer to that is a big fat No then.

Gorilla Bananas said...

What a pity. I suggest you find a man who eats pussy for breakfast because he really loves the taste of it. I'd hate to see you give up on this.

Baglady said...

As if there weren't already enough reasons to dislike The Bolton (who I think has a new album out. I keep hearing something on the radio that sounds like him).

Such a shame that you're missing out. I hear that Barry Manilow is an expert.

mylittlebecky said...

it is very hard to relax when someone's doing that at first... micheal bolton? it's obvious, would make it much, much worse!

joeygirl said...

girl, i am so sorry you had to go through this but you need to get on that.
by the way, i used love michael bolton too. until he had that horrible "let me touch you there" song. eew.

Mr. Condescending said...

I always get Michael Bolton and Kenny G confused.

Just a thought...maybe if it was a hot girl doing it, you'd be satisfied?

Very funny post.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I think it might be one of those things you're born to be able to do, or you're not. Lady Hem won't let me go down on her, no matter how drunk she is.

NWO said...

Well, as they say, oral sex should be the taste of things to cum.

cool as folk said...

OMG, this is hilarious!!!

An old FWB of mine went down on me just as Saved by the Bell came on. I'm sure you can guess what I was more focused on at that moment.

Mega8815 said...

Oh.Wow.

You are SO scarred. Understandably. Urgh. I know what you mean that some guys just SHOULDN'T go down there. They're just not qualified. That's all. And hell you can't teach everyone.

Thanks for the laugh.. might just be the best story yet

otherworldlyone said...

Judearoo: Thank you, thank you. He's a little less creepy now that he's cut his hair, I think.

Sal: AMEN.

Erin: Poor Jeremiah indeed!

Rubbish: Maybe I should write him a letter?

Meatbag: Yuck. Boner to Moon River is just wrong.

Steamy: No offers yet! Drool down the ass crack is ridiculous. It's not a steak. No need to salivate all over it.

Jenks: Thanks. ;)

MLS: Thanks! HAHA!

GB: I appreciate your concern. Maybe I should put out an ad.

Baglady: I read that comment and tought..."Mom? Is that you?"

The only man she loves more than Michael Bolton is effing Barry Manilow! I only listen to his Christmas album because there's something strangely compelling about his version of "Baby it's cold outside"...lots of moaning and such. MAYBE he was giving her a good tongue lashing between verses?

otherworldlyone said...

Becky: It's not the relaxing I have trouble with.

Joeygirl: I laughed so hard at that comment...mostly 'cause I read it ghetto style in my head. *Finger snap* guuurlll you need to get on that!

Mr. C: How can you confuse the Kenny and the Bolton?? Ugh!

Maybe...but she'd have to be a pro with previous experience.

Te He: HAHAHAH! Poor you!

NWO: Poetry!

Cool: Zack Morris? ;)

Mega: Yep. They should have classes in oral as an elective in schools.

Secretia said...

You explained it so nicely, I can't waith for my man to come home and do me.

Secretia

sAm said...

Well. What a story. I'm so sorry this had to happen. Hmmmm...of course, now I'm all worried that the next time I have the opportunity to be on the receiving end (hell...whichever end - I just want an end!) he'll have a big nose. Or Michael Bolton will be playing. 'Cause if my memory serves me right (and it does...oh it does!) I DO like oral sex. For both of us. Yep. Um...I gotta go now.

jonas wunderman said...

Wow. That was amazing!!

Rita said...

You are an ROCK STAR for telling this story. Good stuff - I was laughing through the whole thing... not at you, with you.

I bet my life would seem much more entertaining if I filtered my posts through your writing.

Mr London Street said...

Check my blog out. You've won something.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hey, I came over from Mr. Street's blog and now I hurt a little from laughing and wincing. No one should have to encounter the Bolton during the deed. Or indeed during dinner. Or well...ever, really.

I think he and Fabio should have a big touchy-feely man hug in a quiet hut somewhere and Kenny G. and Siegfried and Roy should join them, and then I should "accidentally" drop a bomb on that hut and scoot off really fast.

Hunter said...

Very funny post. Congratulations on the award. It's well deserved.

Gwen said...

Congrats on the well-deserved award from Sir London Street.

I've had scant few partners who knew who to "dine in" properly but when you find one it's worth it. Don't stop hunting.

omchelsea said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Brave funny you. A little research DOES go a long way...(for the boys)

Hannah Miet said...

So, this is, like, the best post of all time. That is all.

The Jules said...

Ordered over by Mr London Street and glad I was!

On the other side of the fence, it doesn't matter how rubbish a girl is at . . . er . . . meandering south, us blokes are usually still pretty chuffed.

As long as there's no actual blowing involved, anyway . . .

Politics of Love Chick said...

Have any idea who David Sedaris is? Cause I think you're giving him a run for his money. You should serious consider a book of essays based on this blogs posts.

Defintely!

barefootchickadees said...

O.M.G. - I realize I'm a few months behind on this one, but this had me snorting while trying to hold in the laughter at my cube at work.

Holy mother of PEARL this shit is funny!!!