Monday, November 02, 2009

Guest Posting day 1: Mo.Stoneskin

Today is the first day of Penis Week - my all male guest posting extravaganza. I'm overworked, underpaid, and I've misplaced my blogging mojo. What better way to take a break than to showcase some of the best male bloggers out there? They'll be talking about the women in their lives, past or present...good, bad, or ugly.

First up to bat is Mo.Stoneskin. His humorous tales of strangers and their quirks are a treat to read every Monday. Occasionally he gives us a story about his own life, like the following, and it's just as entertaining. Read it. Love it. Then go visit him at his place and beg him to post more often.


I slouched lazily with a can of Stella in my hand, casually held at a slight tilt. I rotated it slowly, the gold top reflecting images from the TV and light from the fish tank. Fascinating, could have done that for hours. Nothing compares to watching shadows of fish dancing across a can of lager. I suppose fish swimming in my can of lager would be pretty awesome, though it might spoil the taste and cause the fish to get rowdy.

"Can I tell you about my fantasy?" I asked.

My wife looked up from her cookery book and raised an eyebrow. "Go on," she said.

Fantasies, fetishes, quirky personal preferences. Fascinating subjects aren't they? Everyone fantasises at some level, but it is tricky to determine where fantasies come from or how they develop. It has been suggested that they express an aspect of our unconscious and often incorporate fetishes, some of which are understandable. Heels and boots for example, what man doesn't love them? But some are just weird, especially if they involve feet. Some people have a foot fetish, but how weird is that? Feet are disgusting, I've long believed that feet are the most revolting part of the human body. Grotty, cheesy, skanky, stinky, I just don't get it, what could possibly cause a foot fetish to develop? Overexposure to cheese as a child? Unhealthy proximity to a pedicure clinic? But anyway, that's just me, and it is healthy to talk about these things with your partner.

My wife waited patiently. Fun-loving criminal that she is I sensed surprise. Surprise and scepticism. Married for five years, I suppose she thought she knew me as well as she possibly could.

"Well," I said, glancing down at her cookery book, "when we were kids we used to have roast lamb most Sundays. We only got a couple of slices each and it was never enough. I've always fantasised about buying a huge leg of lamb, dragging it home, roasting it and then scoffing the lot. It would be the most incredible moment of my life."

I have never seen her laugh so much.

35 comments:

Secretia said...

It Penis Week, right! not penis "weak"?

I tol that to my boyfriend yesterday. Ha ha for him!

Mr. Condescending said...

Great post mo , maybe you should have married a greek girl!

Or moved to Scotland and become a lamb herder, then you could have all the lamb and scotch you want!

Hunter said...

Roast lamb? That's just weird.

The Peach Tart said...

I love roasted lamb and make a mean one if you ever get to Atlanta. Skanky nasty feet. Not so much. I didn't hear anything about your penis though. Just waiting.

Harmony said...

Ah Mo, such a tease!

You know, it will absolutely be impossible for me to not ask someone with a foot fetish if they were overexposed to cheese as a child. In fact...

*picks up phone*

As a child I had once dreamed of eating a pan filled with cooked ground beef in it (wanting to know what it would taste like not mixed into anything). I even swore to it aloud on occassion. I never did get to eating that pan of ground beef. *shudder* Thank God for good sense.

Eric said...

Mo, just think, what if you combined the lamb *and* the feet??? Whoa, what an ultimate fe... Oh yeah, lambs don't have 'feet' per se.

Tristan Robin Blakeman said...

So, this was Penis Week?

Mo, frankly, I'm a bit timid about inquiring what there is about your penis that reminded you of a leg of lamb story.

Never mind - I won't ask.

Amy said...

Your wife is a saint, mo.

Ananda girl said...

What no smut! I thought that after the strip tease on the ferry that we would hear something quite juicy. Oh... but lamb can be very juicy if cooked properly.

blognut said...

Here I thought you were going to suggest giving up the city life and becoming a sheep pimp.

You never stop surprising me, Mo.

Kate said...

Ha ha he needs to go visit his mother!

Kate xxx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com

The Kid In The Front Row said...

reminds me of that great roald dahl story, where the woman smashes her husband to death with a leg of lamb.

BeautifulWreck said...

This sounds like something my husband would say (do)

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Um. Mo? There'd be mint sauce involved, right?

cactus petunia said...

Hmmm. Penis week + leg of lamb fantasy = Mo must be here!

loveandbooze said...

I feel the EXACT same way about feet! YUCK!

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think he needs to eat more vegetables and spank his wife more often

Stacie's Madness said...

oh, mo, you sexy beast you. :)

jpooh said...

You are only the second man I've ever heard say he thought feet were disgusting. I've spent my entire life having men drool all over mine.

Hey - they're just about the only petite part of me. A girl has gotta have some conceits.

LiLu said...

Oh, you should SO DO IT.

And invite me over. Nom!

Samsmama said...

Mo, that is hilarious! So easy to please, you are!

I have so many vivid food memories from my childhood. And they all center around things I was denied as a kid. But I have to eat an entire bowl of cookie dough or cake batter, despite what my 10 year old self vowed to do one day.

Mr London Street said...

Penis week is a day old and already Mo is telling stories about a giant meaty shank. I have a horrible feeling I know where this will end.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I ate so much roast lamb as a kid, that I can't stand it now. How jealous are you?

Jeanne said...

The pharmacist at work told me that the part of the brain that controls the feet is right next to the part that controls sex, and that they theorize that fetishists are essentially having signal bleedthru.

Which is the only thing that makes sense, because I'm with you -- feet are geee-ross.

Oh My Goddess said...

Maybe you could work in a frilly chef's costume. And being fed blindfolded or something.

p-huong said...

mo, I was wondering about you this morning when I didn't see a post while riding the train to work. They make Stella in a can? I've never heard of such a thing. It sounds... wrong.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

So does your wife laughing mean yes? I want to hear if you can down the whole leg yourself.

The Rambler said...

So Roast Lamb huh?

Mo...your such a freak!

(giggle.giggle)

Sid said...

This was frigging awesome. Loved how you explored the whole "foot fetish" thing.

g said...

And so how did she react? Did she go out and get a leg of lamb?

I love lamb, BTW. Feet? Not so much.

Gaston Studio said...

So this is where you've been hiding! Agree with you about feet, almost all of it, but it's the dragging home of the leg of lamb to be scoffed entirely by you, that had me spitting out my coffee.

erin said...

I've never had lamb before. Poor little lamby. I hope it had a cuddle with it's momma before someone slaughtered it. And then I bet after they slaughtered it they slathered it's sweet lamby blood all over each other and had hot lamby blood coitus. :)

otherworldlyone said...

So I've finally gotten off my ass and decided to comment. It's my blog...I do what I want.

Just how big could lamb legs be? As fantasies go, I suppose it's rather tame. Maybe you should spice it up a bit and have your wife massage you with her toes while you eat the lamb?

The Jules said...

Ooh, Mo you dirty, dirty git.

Can I have a bit?

JennyMac said...

Are we talking Ron Jeremy size leg of lamb? Just curious.

Excellent post. And I am certain your wife has some fantastic stories to tell.