Guest Posting day 7: Steve

Today is the final day of Penis Week. I will be returning tomorrow with quite a long post. Be prepared.   I hope you enjoyed my all male review. I know I did.

Last, but certainly not least, we have Steve. He's irritating, funny, and far too busy to post regularly...jerk. He writes some pretty amazing stories about his family and if you have a chance, you should definitely check him out. Read on.

The Women In My Life

Good day, you filthy bastards! Or wait… Am I the only filthy bastard here? Really? Damnit. In any case, this is HardlyHearsHimself, also known, as Steve “Is he serious?” Brown (not really, I just made that up. I hope it catches on though) from Conversation With Myself reporting derisively in place of OtherWorldlyOne. It’s been a long and surprisingly arduous weekend folks, mostly because I was out drinking copiously and gallivanting about this horrid city in place of writing this post I’ve been so honorably asked for. But the time for rabblerousing is long past, it seems. Or perhaps not, depending on just how it is you react to this mass of text I’m about to cram down your ocular cavities. What the hell was the topic again?

Ah, right, the women in my life.

I never wanted a brother. This seems entirely off topic, I know, but bear with me here, I’m going somewhere relevant with this, I swear. Right, I never wanted a brother. It was a strange disappointment the day my parents brought home my penis bearing younger sibling. You see it was early on in life that I realized I was much fonder of the fairer sex, for no discernable reason really. It’s possible I found them intriguing, at first. Particularly since they were so far out of my stubby reach; I was rather corpulent in my younger years (not to say I’m that old now, regardless of my rampant misanthropy and general loathing of teenagers), so the girls I was so fond of didn’t readily approach me. Instead, as I was left with no other options, I studied them from afar; obsessively so at first, but as I grew older and found not all of these cruel she-devils were repulsed by me, more casually.

Socializing has never been my strong suit, be it with men or women. Inevitably I did of course befriend males over the years, but not until the 8th grade did I ever associate with a girl I could, with sincerity, call a friend. And before I knew it, I had more of these girl friends. As I had suspected from the start, I found them much easier to harmonize with. According to them, it was because of my “understanding nature.” Apparently I listened, where most others waited their turn to speak. I’m not so sure if this applies to me still, at least not in the majority of cases. I was a nicer guy back then, and if you know me now, you’d find this claim preposterous like the rest of my current friends, male and female alike.

So I made girl friends. Which, by the way, is very awkward terminology. The subtle push of a space bar completely altering the meaning: girl friend, girlfriend. I realized it was not so difficult a task, befriending the ladies. At that age, it was a really just a matter of flattery and charm more than anything, which I wasn’t exactly adept at, but to my benefit I had humor on my side. Ah, yes. Humor has always served me best in these situations. Chicks dig funny guys, right? So I made them laugh, and they loved me for it.

Since then, the women I’ve known have come and gone. Friends, girlfriends, and bitches I can’t stand. Whores who broke my heart, girls I’m still secretly in love with, so on and so forth. I’ve often thought about just why it is that I find myself able to connect better with females, but never gotten to the bottom of it. I’ve been told it has something to do with my relationship with my mother, but there is no relationship there to speak of. My mother is a woman I can’t stand, as she epitomizes everything I hate about people in general. So that wouldn’t be a valid explanation.

Regardless of the explanation though, I do love the women I keep close to me quite dearly. If I went through the list of the people I speak to most often, I’m sure at least 75% of it would be comprised of females. And I’d bet at least 50% of that list would be girls I’ve at some point had feelings for. I think that’s just inevitability when it comes to guy-girl relations, be it plutonic or otherwise. Can you really think of a pair of male and female best friends who have never felt something more towards each other? If they claim so, I assure you it is fallacy. One of them is keeping it secret, for reasons I can completely understand, having been that position time and time again.

Right now though, I’d say out of all my female friends there are two I know will play significant roles in my life. The first would be my best and without question closest friend, Mersiha. The story there is a good one for sure. To shorten it, basically, I spent most of high school day dreaming about having sex with her as she sat in front of me in Spanish class. Once we were both in college years later, I’d added her on Facebook and she remembered me as “that guy who slept behind her in Spanish”, yeah, sleeping and dreaming of that magnificent ass of hers. Forward about a year or two, and here we are now, inseparable. There isn’t much to it really; we are just completely and utterly compatible. We think alike, talk alike, and feel alike on most things. More often than not we come to the same conclusions on any topic, and have almost identical everyday habits. When she told me once that at times, her inner monologue would slip into a British accent, I knew then and there that we would be friends forever. Because I do the same shit and how ridiculous a coincidence is that? It was clearly meant to be, and I can’t imagine my life without her.

The other all-important and irreplaceable lady in my life right now is someone I’ve wished for since childhood. I’d never wanted a brother, you see, but I have always wished for a sister. And, to my great fortune, I got one this year. Just this summer, my mother adopted a baby girl, and it was definitely an unbelievably joyous occasion for my family. She was only 2 days old when we got her. Apparently she had been abandoned shortly after birth at an old folks home, and the people there knew my mother and knew that she was looking to adopt, so they called her first, and she jumped at the opportunity.

I have yet to meet her, as she lives in Bangladesh with my mother and younger brother, but I leave in a few weeks to go visit, and I really can’t wait. The prospect of playing older brother to this darling little girl makes me quite giddy. I can’t wait to watch her grow up and be there for her when she needs me for anything at all. I’ve seen too many brothers be intolerable and overbearing/overprotective bastards to their sisters and seen how awful that can turn out, so I can’t wait to be the kind of brother she can always rely on.

Ladies and gentlemen, my baby sister Azra:

Guest Posting day 6: Mysterg

This guy kept me on edge and waiting for this post until the VERY last minute. Shithead.

I'm actually out of town and about to get ready for my first tailgating/complete college football game day experience (Clemson vs. Florida State). That means tomorrow's guest post will not go up until much later than the others. It's a long drive home. Everyone have a great weekend and please enjoy my last two guest posters and show them some love.

Mysterg always has an entertaining story to tell, it seems. He alternates between posts that are very moving and heartfelt, and posts that are laugh out loud funny. He's even been known to start a debate or two. I knew he'd have no trouble writing about women. Read, enjoy, comment, and then go visit him at his lovely blog: Meditations in an Emergency.



She...


She is the woman who after breaking her foot in three places and spending the night at a hospital where a flasher in a mac kept indecently exposing himself to her, helped me get over the first girl that I ever loved...

She is the woman who got me drunk on a whole bottle of Austrian Schnapps, covered me in make-up, stole my shoes, then sent me to work where I danced on a food counter in front of 100 people before throwing up everywhere...

She is the woman that came to my aid when I overdosed on jalapeno peppers and half-collapsed inside a walk-in fridge whilst foaming at the mouth...

She is the woman that on my 18th Birthday, despite not knowing where I lived, took me home absolutely wasted...even if I did wake up on the doorstep with my front door keys in my hand...

She is the woman responsible for the funniest karaoke moment I've ever witnessed, a duet of the B-52's Love Shack, with the campest, baldest, most deadpan gay guy you can possibly imagine...

She is the woman that taught me all the dance moves to the STEPS version of the Bee Gees song "Tragedy", which led to me being inappropriately touched/violated by a gay guy during a Lost Weekend...

She is the woman that was a good/bad influence on me, my drinking partner in crime who encouraged me to makeout with her best friend on and off for several years, until said friend got married...

She is the woman who gatecrashed a total strangers house party with me, gave me a drunken lap dance in the middle of their living room until we were thrown out, walked her home and put her to bed...then woke up in a shop doorway...

She is the woman who educated me in the ways of the world, including most importantly how to both toast and swear in other languages...

She is the woman who shares in my love of Partridge, Morris, Bailey...

She is the woman who disappears for months or sometimes years at a time, but always returns to me...

She is the woman who reigns as queen of all the redheads that I've ever had the pleasure to know...

She is the woman that has always listened to me instead of waiting for her turn to talk...

She is the woman whose shoulder was there to cry on when my whole world fell apart...

She is the woman whose bed I would crawl into and snuggle with, on and off throughout many years, whenever I needed the warmth and comfort of another human being...

She is the woman who has restored my faith in womankind countless times...

She is the woman that I trust, something I cannot say of anyone else, except perhaps my immediate family...

She is the woman that I would do anything for, no questions asked...

She is the sister I never had...

She is the lover I never took...

She is the wife I will never marry...

She is the mother of the children I will never have...

She is the lifetime companion I will never grow old disgracefully with...

She is the one that I love with all my heart but have never fallen in love with...

She is the friend I will always have...

She is the one that got away...yet I wouldn't have it any other way...

She is the one that I miss...

She...

Guest Posting day 5: Organic Meatbag

I came across Meatbag's blog several months ago, but a little pop up that said "ADULT CONTENT" stopped me from going any farther. I mostly blog at work, so I was a little hesitant to click on anything with those two words, loudly proclaiming my intent to go against policy. Poor Meat thought I didn't like him. I finally got over that ridiculous fear and started reading anyway. After all, even though I don't classify my blog under "ADULT CONTENT", I still talk about penises almost daily. If I'm going to get in trouble, it won't have anything to do with him.

Anyway, Meat is my funny muse. (It's because of him that you were able to experience the Richard Simmons's story.) He writes some of the most hilarious posts I've ever read. Today he's graced us with something a little more heartfelt. Something about this week's topic has really brought out the love in the fellas. Pussies. (Kidding. Sort of.) Go Meat!


So when Alyson asked me to do a guest post for her this week, naturally, I said "What's the topic, you harlequin?" She thoroughly implored me to go fuck myself, but then she lightened up and said "Oh, the topic will be about a meaningful relationship, either past or present, or maybe a humorous dating story"...OK, just kidding, she never told me to go fuck myself, although I am sure she wanted to, but that is what the topic was really about.


The truth is, until 11 years ago, I never had a real relationship of any substance in my life...at least I wouldn't consider them of any substance on my part. There aren't a lot of good dating stories in my life, or relationship stories, and not too many good memories for me to dwell upon with girls in my early days, so I retracted myself into a pseudo-party boy lifestyle, especially when I was old enough to frequent clubs, but I wasn't happy, not even in the slightest sense of the word... nothing mattered to me...until I met her.

I met her in September of 1998. We got married on April 30, 1999. So yeah, we knew quickly that this thing we felt was real. We clicked on every level. We shared the same warped sense of humor, we shared a love of The Simpsons and Seinfeld, our upbringings were different enough to pull that old "opposites attract" theory, and oh yeah, we most definitely found instant chemistry in the bedroom...wink, wink!

I never thought I would find anyone that would accept me for everything that I am, and admittedly, I am flawed in many, many ways. She doesn't care...she accepts me, she helps me through my pain, she puts up with my idiosyncrasies, she puts up with my KISS music, she deals with my old wrestling tapes, she put up with the deafening loudness of my drums for all of these years, and I feel damn lucky...every single day, I feel damn lucky. I thought I would wander this world all alone. How in the hell I found my soul mate in the most improbable chance meeting of all time, I will never know, but I'm not going to question it.

Eleven years later now, we are still as happy as ever, we still laugh incessantly at each other, and life is good. We never had any kids, but we do have a dog and a cat that we consider to be our kids. Will this whole "procreate and repopulate the Earth" thing happen with us? Maybe...you never know. We're not trying but we're not avoiding it either. If it happens, it happens, we'll just have to wait and see.

And oh yeah again, just to snuff out any possible questions about it: Yes, we are still red hot in bed. Hehehehe...yep. We have managed to keep things exciting through the years. Like the time we had sex in our old apartment complex's indoor pool, or the many times that we would open the patio door right outside the same complex's outdoor pool and have sex on the floor in full view of anybody out by the pool. And oh yeah, did I tell you about the time we were stuck in a complete traffic jam on I-75 North between the Georgia and Tennessee border? Yeah, we had sex in our old truck. Right there. In the middle of the traffic jam. With people walking alongside the interstate next to us to see what was causing the traffic jam. Well, I'm sure they were walking by us to watch us having sex. That was hot...hahahaha!

So do you see why I love this woman?

Guest Posting day 4: The Kid in the Front Row

Today's guest post comes from The Kid in the Front Row. He writes a film blog, but it's much more than that. Inspirational pieces on making your goals a reality, short fictional stories, and random hilarious posts make his site one of the most interesting I've come across. Even though he is currently in New York and I'm sure very busy, he consented to do this for me. I didn't even have to bribe him, though I probably would have. So read on, enjoy, and go visit him when you're done.


The women in my life are great. In fact, they're very loving and affectionate, unfortunately just not towards me. I used to think it was maybe because our interests didn't quite match, or maybe because I'm not quite their type - but now I have a more logical explanation for it - it's because I'm completely ugly and uninteresting. Okay, no. No, I don't want to go with that explanation. How about this one - all the women I've ever met/been with, are completely insane? Yep, I prefer that one. It works for me.


The language of women confuses me. 'I don't love you anymore' often means 'I still really love you' and this one time, 'I love you so much,' I found out, was code for 'I am sleeping with Marcus Dilberry.' How we are meant to decode these things, I'll never know.

Girls have also broken up with me for the most crazy reasons. For example, this one girl, Nia, forgave me when I slept with her sister - but dumped me after I left the bathroom seat up for the 4th night in a row. WHY DOES IT MATTER? It's not like she was going to fall down it and get her ass stuck. Okay, that did happen once, but it wasn't my fault -- she was dieting like crazy (another weird obsessive thing girls do) so it was her own fault she plummeted deep into the mirky depths of the bowl.

I wish I had more positive stories to share with you, and I am trying my best to remember some seedy sex stories. Many of the women I've been with love sex, yet it's still hard to convince them to have it in the same room as me. Again, many weird codes have often come into sexual relationships, like when 'don't worry, it's not too small' has been followed deep into a night of passion with, 'i'm ready when you are.'

I remember one girlfriend who, well, okay, I don't remember her that well, was it Nicole or Nicola? Maybe it was Jenny. Anyways, you can't expect me to remember, it was like two years ago and I've nearly dated a girl since. Anyways, she was always going on about how I should be more of a 'modern' man. so I tried to be more modern, I figured being a modern man was doing the dishes and my share of the cleaning. In the end, she showed me what modern loving really is, she married some man from craigslist.

Women - I can't figure them out, I have no idea what they're thinking - the only thing I know for sure is that they have really nice breasts.

Guest Posting day 2: Jerrod

This second guest poster is one of the most genuinely nice guys I've ever had the opportunity to speak with. Normally I'd say that "nice guy" is like a death sentence, but in this case it's clearly an exception to the rule. His real life posts on blind dates and drive-through employees are hilarious, and even though he's clearly frustrated, he can still find the humor in those situations. Not to mention he was a killer four year old Mr. T. Please welcome Jerrod, from The Yellow Factor:


Let me start off by stating that when I asked Aly to pick a topic, this was probably the one I wanted to do the least. Being habitually single leaves only the relationships that have expired. Past tense. Some good, mostly bad relationships where you are left thinking "What the hell was that?". Those that read me know about my single life...the blind date characters I've endured.

This post will be different. This is a post about the girls that I don't have to impress and they are always with me. This post is about a group of friends. Randomness about some truly great girls. You know, the ones that don't expect anything more from you than your laugh and smile.


The friend that vents to you about serious stuff. They have others to confide in but they choose you.

The friend that knows you the most and despite that information, still hangs around.

The friend that convinces you that someone particular Saran wrapped your car... to the point of helping you get revenge on that person's car.... then confesses that she was in fact responsible in the first place. Mastermind.

The friend that you text with while you're both in the backseat on a road trip. Texting because actual audio conversation has been denied by the driver who just so happens to be out of her mind.

The friend that looks for your shoulder. No matter the time.

The friend that can make a day road trip so fun simply by the music played and how it is sung in the car.

The friend that believes in you so much more than you do yourself.

The friend that got you watching TV shows that you thought you would never ever watch. Ever. Spencer is such a tool, by the way. Whatever.

The friend that can quote TV and movies with you on the spot, just to break up the boring work day.

The friend you know that you will do absolutely anything to make sure she is happy. Absolutely anything.

The friend that you don't have to worry about intentions with. You just be.

I was told a bit ago that I have such heart for my friends. I may be picky with relationships but one thing I know is that I've got some great friends in my corner. The kind you will protect with your life. Now if they would only introduce me to one of their single friends.... jerks.

Guest Posting day 1: Mo.Stoneskin

Today is the first day of Penis Week - my all male guest posting extravaganza. I'm overworked, underpaid, and I've misplaced my blogging mojo. What better way to take a break than to showcase some of the best male bloggers out there? They'll be talking about the women in their lives, past or present...good, bad, or ugly.

First up to bat is Mo.Stoneskin. His humorous tales of strangers and their quirks are a treat to read every Monday. Occasionally he gives us a story about his own life, like the following, and it's just as entertaining. Read it. Love it. Then go visit him at his place and beg him to post more often.


I slouched lazily with a can of Stella in my hand, casually held at a slight tilt. I rotated it slowly, the gold top reflecting images from the TV and light from the fish tank. Fascinating, could have done that for hours. Nothing compares to watching shadows of fish dancing across a can of lager. I suppose fish swimming in my can of lager would be pretty awesome, though it might spoil the taste and cause the fish to get rowdy.

"Can I tell you about my fantasy?" I asked.

My wife looked up from her cookery book and raised an eyebrow. "Go on," she said.

Fantasies, fetishes, quirky personal preferences. Fascinating subjects aren't they? Everyone fantasises at some level, but it is tricky to determine where fantasies come from or how they develop. It has been suggested that they express an aspect of our unconscious and often incorporate fetishes, some of which are understandable. Heels and boots for example, what man doesn't love them? But some are just weird, especially if they involve feet. Some people have a foot fetish, but how weird is that? Feet are disgusting, I've long believed that feet are the most revolting part of the human body. Grotty, cheesy, skanky, stinky, I just don't get it, what could possibly cause a foot fetish to develop? Overexposure to cheese as a child? Unhealthy proximity to a pedicure clinic? But anyway, that's just me, and it is healthy to talk about these things with your partner.

My wife waited patiently. Fun-loving criminal that she is I sensed surprise. Surprise and scepticism. Married for five years, I suppose she thought she knew me as well as she possibly could.

"Well," I said, glancing down at her cookery book, "when we were kids we used to have roast lamb most Sundays. We only got a couple of slices each and it was never enough. I've always fantasised about buying a huge leg of lamb, dragging it home, roasting it and then scoffing the lot. It would be the most incredible moment of my life."

I have never seen her laugh so much.