Wednesday, December 01, 2010

BONed

Monday morning started just like any other. I was honing the fine art of procrastination - swilling coffee, possibly picking my nose, and flipping through my blog reader. Being back at work after the long holiday weekend put me rather far behind and, though I was itching to put off the reading and post something of my own, I knew I’d end up deleting half without a glance if I waited too long. I get overwhelmed and distracted quite easily, you see.

My boss, having missed me terribly, wouldn’t stop coming by my office door and making random remarks. “Did you watch the football game Saturday night”, she asked.

“I got home in time to see the second half. I went to see Harry Potter.”

She raised her eyebrows in surprise. “You missed the first half of the Carolina vs. Clemson game...to see Harry Potter?”

“Yep. STUPIFY”, I shouted, pointing my letter opener at her.

As usual she laughed a little too obnoxiously. Then, blowing a trumpet blast of a fart, turned around and ran back to her office, red faced and giggling – leaving me with the stench of my own joke. It was quite rancid.

That woman has taught me many things about becoming older and shared lots of valuable life lessons, but none more helpful than: “When you get as old as I am, you just can’t hold it in anymore. My pucker reflex is plum puckered out.” It is, apparently, the only acceptable excuse a Southern woman can use to justify public flatulence. That or “my husband did it”. And try as I might, I simply can't justify getting married in order to let one rip whenever I choose.

I had a can of Dust Free Multi-Purpose cleaner (its compressed air that you spay to clean your keyboard and the like, in case you weren’t aware) so I sent a few blasts into the air around my head to clear the fog a bit, then got back to my blog reading. But as soon as I started, my phone vibrated with a new email. It was a comment notification.

The comment said a few things, lovely things, but the part that caught my eye was “I found you via blogs of note”.

My very first thought was, “Psssh, no way.” My second thought was, “They probably meant ‘through one of the blogs of note’ since so many of my friends have won it. I’ll bet they came over from Philip, Baglady, or Mr. London Street.”

Still, I couldn’t stop myself from clicking the mouse (which, in this case, I am not using as a euphemism for masturbation) until I reached my dashboard and the Blogs of Note tab. And there it was...my URL. I was completely bowled over. My normally dull Monday suddenly resembled a Friday. A Friday when I get off work early, have money in the bank, have a babysitter, and a date for marathon sex.

So now it’s Wednesday and here we are. I’m still insanely excited.

Welcome to all of you new folks and thank you for all the wonderful comments. I’ll be responding to them soon and checking out your blogs in return. If you haven’t yet had the chance to flick through my archives or check out more than the first one or two posts, here’s what you can expect to find (and read more of in the future):

I swear a lot and I occasionally write about sex in a graphic manner – not Harlequin throbbing-manhood- and-heaving-bosoms sort of graphic. It’s a bit more real than that. Like the time some guy insisted I call him “The Shump Daddy”  and produced more sweat than an entire football team or, when I realized that I’d have to make an appointment to spend time with my own vagina.

I write a lot about my family (the main characters being my mother, my mother’s fiancé Ray, my teenage sister Leigha, The Grandmother, and my five year old daughter Hannah). Those posts are occasionally sentimental, but more often than not, full of exasperation. I also have a very large extended family and they make plenty of appearances.

And, just over the past few months, I started writing about my foray into the world of online dating. It’s definitely been an interesting experience...sometimes disturbing, occasionally satisfying.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy what you’ve read so far and that you’ll stick around for more.

Next up on the agenda is “Thanksgiving – Part two”, and possibly a rant about a man that is obsessed with himself and taking the dirt road.

Cheers.

76 comments:

Simple Dude said...

That's great! I have been bad mouthing the whole BON process lately since they seem to be picking really crappy blogs about dishware or lame restaurant critics. Gag.

Maybe someone has listened to me and they have finally awarded a WORTHWHILE blog! Big time congrats! Don't get too excited and let out an accidental office toot now.

SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

Marina said...

I also found your blog on "Blogs of Note" and I really enjoy reading :)
I don't blog about anything in particular and sometimes I wish I had the focus to blog like you do!
Keep up the posts! I love what you do.
~Marina

Mr. Condescending said...

Woo hooooooo!

I'm guessing that the BON people read the shump daddy post and knew it was freaking time to slap your blog up on the leaderboard.

Or they just read pretty much any other post of yours because they're as gold as a jews tooth.

theTsaritsa said...

I don't know why you were so surprised! You definitely have a faithful following, and a large one at that. Bask in the glory of your notedness :)

Now I can say that I was following you before you got super famous!

Cookie said...

I love your blog!
Your entries leave me literally LOL-ing; you write fantastically.
I don`t remember how I found your blog; but I`m glad I did! :)

JUST ME said...

Dude, WHAT?

Fabulous. Go buy yourself something pretty for the occasion. :) That's what I'd do!

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I really can't remember where I found your blog...probably reading through comments of another blog...I'm glad I did though, your blog ROCKS! btw, I cracked up reading about your boss farting. Farts are so freaking awesome!

Emilie said...

Congrats on the blogger accolade! I found you on Monday too and have enjoyed reading a large chunk of your site already, and look forward to more to come! Emilie :)

Nari said...

I found your blog, not thru Blog of Note but through a reference from Phillip whom I found through Blog of Note so I guess that's kind of the same thing.

I'm enjoying reading your posts (in between farts of course)and my co-workers are avoiding eye contact with me because apparently actually Laughing Out Loud is a social no-no.

Anyway, thanks for the entertainment.

Stephanie P said...

Love this blog. Def. following!

Lash Chronicles said...

You are a wonderful writer. I never even looked at the BON until today and now I am a huge fan! Looking forward to reading more!

Politics of Love Chick said...

Bravo - God knows these stories of yours deserve it! ;)

Casey said...

I love reading your blog, so funny and you write awesome.
Congrats! :)

magnolia said...

unexpected publicity is grand. and in your case, richly deserved. :)

Yankee Girl said...

I haven't been on BON in a long time, but knowing you are there makes me want to go back!

I love your blog and you deserve all kinds of attention.

By the way, my husband and I saw HP twice and have been cursing each other with spells for a week. His favorite is Expelliarmus, I have been saying Accio and Wingardium leviosa way too much.

Pam Strickland said...

I found your blog on BON, too. I love it. I read the whole thing because I couldn't quit. I will be looking forward to more posts. You crack me up when you talk about sex and use cuss words. I've found a kindred spirit in that. My blog is http://resacarose.blogspot/ It is new.

Philip said...

Congrats. Lovely post, nicely pitched. I can't believe this hasn't happened to you before. Yours has always been a stand out blog for me. I love what you do.
Enjoy.
P.

Trafty said...

yup, found you through BON! Also, it took me way too long to figure out what 'BON' stood for...even after you mentioned Blogs of Note multiple times. I honestly thought this post would be about, well, you know...boned.

Rio said...

Same as everybody up above, found you through BON! Though I do agree with the commentator above that said BON typically highlights blogs about random activities/hobbies I am not into. Totally enjoy reading this blog though, am looking forward to your new posts.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Isn't getting BONed the best? So jealous!
But I am one, NOT surprised and TWO so glad to say that I followed you way back when....

Congrats you hot young talented thing. This toot's for you!

Mr London Street said...

The Blog of Note class of 2010, I have to say, is much much better than the 2009 vintage. Nobody who knows your writing well could ever have been in any doubt that this accolade, and many more, are going to come your way. You are supremely readable on any subject, naturally funny in a way many writers aren't, and you're only beginning to scratch the surface of what you're capable of - especially when you write serious pieces.

You get better and better and the people who are only just discovering you are a lucky bunch. I hope they go back and read some of your back catalogue. Congratulations - I can't think of any blogger who deserves this more than you do.

Philip said...

Yep - What MrLondonStreet said. No one deserves it more.

Cherry Linnell said...

I also found your blog through BON (getting down with the lingo...). It's funny, clever and entertaining. I'll keep reading as long as you keep writing!
Cherry x

CupCakeSweettt said...

Hi, I'm new to blogger and to this blog...I must say I like how your blog is written like a story or a book..I'm looking forward to your blogs =)

Penny Dreadful said...

Oh. You didn't go with WINNNAHHH. Now I'm just offended.

Meagan said...

I love reading your posts! I found you through bog of note, but I've gone back and read several of your entries! I find you insanely funny and your writing entertaining as well!

Baglady said...

Well, I DIDN'T find you through Blog of Note. Can we still hang out together now you're madly famous and super cool?

Oh yeah, your writing's okay, I suppose. If you like fart jokes and stories about anal sex.


Fnnaaarr

Dee in N.H. said...

One of your new followers here to tell you that your blog rocks. I'm proud too that I figured out WTF BON was. LOL

RayRayRawr said...

I found your blog through blogs of note and I really enjoy your blog.
You inspired me to do my own, I always wanted to but I found that blogs about peoples children and family are either creepy as your following a blog about a child...or just not as interesting unless your part of the family.
How ever after reading your blog you made me realise you can talk about your life and make it interesting.
Great blog :)

Ellie said...

Congratulations! And damn well deserved, too.

kalamay_addict said...

hello! i become an instant follower once you got posted in BON! i love the articles! your blog really rocks! i'll be looking forward for your future entries! :)

The guy in the Purple Shirt said...

Read this post, decided to follow you... read a few more posts and after laughing hard enough for pee to come out, decided I made a good pick of my first blog to follow. Congrats on being named in the top blogs. Check mine out if you get a chance.

Lindsay said...

I found you from Blogs of Note as well! I look forward to reading :)

Corey said...

I just discover your blog through Blogs of Note. I love your writing! Should be required reading for men

Adventure Spot said...

CONGRATS! That is so neat that you were BONed! Love your blog and can't wait for Thanksgiving part two!

Michelle said...

Ooh, online dating. Much like those horribly addicting Sour Patch Kids, it's sweet and bitter. I met my husband online. Just sayin'.

Good luck with your boss's musical bum. Military surplus stores may carry gas masks.

modestishottest said...

I also found your blog on the blog of note page and think you are hilarious!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Hi I found you through Blog of Note and your writing is awesome I am hope you read my blog and check it out too lol i'm just sayin!!

steammeupkid.blogspot.com

(Congratulations. You are most definitely a woman of note, and you deserve all of this.)

Maria said...

wow congratulations!
found you thru the blogs of note too. i'm usually lazy to click on that button but i just did and found your URL intriguing.. i must say i'm glad to be here. you are someone i'd love to read everyday. and i bet reading your posts can make my dull mondays feel like exciting fridays!

thank you for your wit, humor, smart-assy and for being so true.

please make me laugh and inspire me some more! :)

Seán said...

Good Shtuff! You have a new follower and I shall be tuning in for every post, well done for making it up to the big leagues!

LE Bean said...

Indeed--also found you through the BoN, and giggled myself silly at the "only acceptable excuse a Southern woman can use"

Look forward to reading more. Cheers!

Elaina Wicks said...

Yep...u definitely deserve the cred. I found you on BoN a few days ago and was wondering why you hadn't posted about it. Just added you to my blogroll. Stop by sometime...

http://naturalhealingfortheopenminded.blogspot.com/

~Elaina

Gwen said...

Welcome to the BONed club! Well deserved. xoxo

BugginWord said...

Congratulations, superstar! Is an autograph out of the question?

.. said...

Your blog was followed before your sudden bout of notyness. That not a word? Shit!

Roz said...

I am so glad that I got the chance to read your blog... I have laughed my ass off all morning. Amazing writing!

Beta Dad said...

Holy shitballs! It's about time!

Congrats. Look at all your new followers! You know, sometimes those BON guys know what they're doing.

Bailey said...

Congratulations on the blogs of note..I checked the list out for the first time today and I was not in the least impressed until this one

I like my blogs uninhibited. I swear occassionally and sometimes write about sex too. I think some people get offended but I think they secretly like it

Vanessa said...

hey thanks for adding me :) you have a great site, im glad i popped round!! keep writing!

vanessa

Krissy said...

My mother has the same problem your boss has, but we always say there are these crazy buttons she hits on the floor that make the sounds. Don't ask me where that came from?!

Btw, I'm a Gamecock fan, too. :)

http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

Cucipata said...

Very funny.

beth said...

I'll come back for the very sweaty sex posts....

jerrod said...

what do you write or something? are you famous?

Anthony Hodgson said...

Hi from London :) I was following another blog noticed they were a BON and found yours. I have spent the last few days supposedly running shop when instead I've been reading your blog. I've got to say it's brilliant!!. A little shocked at first ( hey I'm a father of 4 forgive me) but the honesty and the humour of the way you write has me hooked. My wife Ioves your blogs as well and we've both sat there laughing and reminiscing about some of the stupid stuff we used to do. Shump daddy and the fat drug dealer are our favourites so far. If you get a chance have a look at mine http://anthonyhodgson.blogspot.com. Its a real mixture of memories and me putting some ghosts tooo bed. Anyway I'm rambling so I'm off can't wait to read more well done again. Anthony

Unbreakable said...

I wish I could use same kind of technique to my boss. Since I can't you keep doing that for me and writing this awesome blog. Half a time when I read your blog I end up laughing my ass off.

While I'm confessing my adoration here, can I mention that I love your attitude. Everybody has desperate moments in everyday life, but instead of crying and screaming "why, god why?" you manage to make it sound good. Your self mockery and humorous take on everything is priceless.

Absolutely fabulous!

Sierra said...

I just want to let you know, I found your blog because of "Blogs of Note". Congratulations - I can read that you're really excited about it :)

Just wanted to say your blog is hilarious, I've been sitting here reading everything you've posted practically all night long - I'm jealous, wish I could write like you do.

My blog is crap... but I'm really proud of my "crap". Is that bad? Ha ha! You don't have to follow me or even read my blog, like I said, it's crappy... I think it's just an excuse to talk to myself :)

Anyways - love your blog, keep writing - you're hilarious!

n.lea. said...

what a breath of fresh air. Your candor and honesty are beautiful.

Twinfingers said...

hahahah I like the post especially the funny photo. nice!

Michelle Saunderson said...

I found your blog from the blogs of note and am delighted to have found you. I will definitely be stalking you in the future.

Schmutzie said...

This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/12/3/five-star-fridays-129th-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-ernest.html

Judearoo said...

The most startling thing about all this is how you weren't BON ages ago! Still one of the very very few I read on a regular basis.

Congrats Ally! x

Elenchus said...

When I turned eighteen, a somewhat older female friend helpfully shared the view: "It's all downhill from now, you realise, your face sags, your breasts sag, your bum sags.."

A little negative, I felt. For a more exciting and enjoyable view of old age, I suggest reading the poem 'Warning' by Jenny Joseph..

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/warning/

I look forward to a great deal of practising.

E x


Find me at:

http://philosopher-without-a-cause.blogspot.com/

2andababy said...

Great stuff!! Of course I try to stay away from BON but your "urinal" pic just made me snicker! Glad I sought you out . . . I'm a novice at this. But getting better, or so I think I am.

http://2andababy.blogspot.com

Ashley said...

My favorite kind of flatulence? When someone tries to mask it with Febreeze or perfume, leaving behind a fart scented flower.

Delicious.

I don't think they realize I still know what happened, and don't appreciate them extending the smell.

Oh, and I'm a new follower.

Ashley
http://www.afterninetofive.net

etoile said...

I just started venturing out to read more blogs lately and I would like to proudly announce that I found your prior to recent fame! haha

You were actually the third blog that I started following in the past few weeks and I am up to a mere seven. I do feel quite tickled pink that I found a good one only days before you hit BON.

So anyway, no one knows why I am bragging about my own finding capabilities when the real winner here is you. I love you writing and your stories. I have no idea who you are, but you make me smile. You seem real and if I ever met you I think we would be the best of friends! Ok I swear that wasn't in some creepy stalker tone! LOL

Happy Friday!

Finder said...

great post


http://howcanufind.blogspot.com

Danger Boy said...

I'm so glad they BON'd you, I'll be following you from now on. You've got a great turn of phrase!

Sally-Sal said...

You should celebrate your recent Academy win with a vacation.... To Oklahoma! :)

Like the song says, "I've never been to Heaven, but I've been to Oklahoma". I never got that. It's like saying "I've never been to Disneyland, but I've been to Sonic".

You've been writing for a while, and it's so great to see your writing finally getting the recognition it deserves, Aly. This is you, this is all about your talent, your words, and you deserve to bask in it.

Much love, Aly. Much love.

otherworldlyone said...

If I said “thank you” to each congratulatory comment individually, it would take me all day and there would be no time to shave my legs. So don’t be offended, please, if I don’t personally address you. I promise I’ll be checking out all of your blogs.

Just Me: I’m so pretty already, it would be a shame to overwhelm people by adding pretty accessories.

Nari: You need to shake up this non-laughing office. Get a fart machine.

Lash Chronicles: I’ve read all the comments you’ve left on different posts here and I must say, thank you very much. And how do you feel about a fall wedding?

Politics of Love Chick: It’s about fucking time you showed your face around here again!

Yankee Girl: Oh, to be magic! Somewhere other than the bedroom, I mean. It would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Trafty: Oh, don’t you worry. There are plenty of posts around here that actually include boning.

Mr London Street: Best.Comment.Ever. Did you ever know that you’re my hero? ;)

Penny: But….BONed….BONer? Surely you couldn’t deny me the right to cash in all of that penis humor?

Baglady: We are most certainly going to hang out and talk about farts and the like. Hahaha. Fnnaaarr indeed.

RayRayRawr: Oh yes. You can write about anything you want. Do it.

The guy in the purple shirt: I’m flattered to be the first blog you follow, thanks. Though I’m awfully sorry to cause incontinence. I’ll be checking out your blog, newbie.

Steamy: Hi I am love your comment. Please to stop by again. :) Thanks, lady.

Sean: Thank you. I’ve been checking out your blog. Very amusing. And I like your chicken arms.

BugginWord: I’ll autograph anything you’ve got, anytime. As long as it’s on your sexay boday. HOLLA!

Beta Dad: You don’t want to know what the first thought that popped into my head after “Holy shitballs” was. You really don’t.

Bailey: Oh they do. They enjoy the hell out of it. They enjoy complaining about it. And then, they enjoy coming home and playing hide the digits while they think about it some more.

Krissy: Goooo Cocks! Sigh, that damn championship game last night though. Ouch. FUCKING ouch.

Beth: Somebody’s a frrrreaaaaak! Welcome to the club.

Jerrod: Yes. I’ve been staring in your fantasies for quite some time now.

Anthony Hodgson: I’ll most definitely be stopping over to check out your blog. Thank you for the lovely comment!

Unbreakable: Thank you! But I do have instances where I scream “Why, god why?” Mostly it’s because I’ve gotten my period at an inopportune time or I realize dug out a wedgie in front of a good looking man. Not just a quick pick, but really digging up there. Sigh.

Sierra: There’s not much that can top the compliment of having someone go through your entire archives after reading one post. Thank you.

Judearoo: Thanks, hotness. :)

Ashley: What about incense? Have you been on the receiving end of fart scented incense?! It’s fucking intense.

Etoile: I asked the brightest star in the sky to make me a real girl…and lo and behold…here I am! I’m long overdue for a new stalker if you’d like to apply for the position.

Sally: Oh, I’ll be there before too long. That makes me want to make up my own song. “I’ve never been to heaven, but I’ve been under him.” La la la la! Love back to you.

Siddhartha Joshi said...

what an awesome blog, this needs to be published in a book :)

mymisfortunes said...

I am hooked; I did find you through the BON.
I am a newbie to blogging myself as I just started last month.
I must say I am hooked and I will be sure to be a follower.

Congrats!

e.f. bartlam said...

Are you for real? Harry Poter over Clemson/South Carolina.

I was stuck at a wedding up north that whole afternoon and evening wanting nothing more in this world than to be in front of an SEC football game...and you we're out watchin' wizards.

:shakeshead:

I'm still gonna follow your blog though because it's hysterical.

PS I don't know what blog of note is but congratulations.

Milk-2Sugars said...

I really enjoyed this and will be looking through the rest of your posts, looks like you do just about the same amount of 'work' as i do at the office.. im currently 'working' whilst reading this blog

well done on blog of note! x

olibrumjustice said...

Yep, found you through Blogs of Note, too...
Kind of funny since we're probably pretty opposite people, but, then again...there's always similarities in life.

Liksi said...

I'm so glad they BON'd you, because that's how I found you so I'll be following you from now on. I read some of your posts and they were pretty interesting, especially because I had sex with guy I wasn't dating and the reactions of my friends are usually negative. :)

Crescent Louise said...

Love the way you write!

xxx C
lunarismoon.blogspot.com