Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Unseeing Eye

I can be nice when I want to be. That’s why I’m giving you fair warning (especially any family members, boyfriends of family members, or squeamish old people) – this post is about butthole (dis)pleasures. And just so we’re clear, being warned means you can’t complain if you read on and feel the urge to vomit, actually vomit, or maybe just die a little inside. I know I’ll likely participate in two out of three just by writing this.


I was involved in a casual sexual relationship with The Fireman for a little over five years. He was a complete dick, but great in bed and, I’ve gathered, far more experimental than most men his age.

I had a lot of firsts with him – choking, an actual working threesome, handcuffs, pictures, shower sex, watching porn together, and more. But the most memorable experience he introduced me to, as you’ve already gathered, was anal sex.

Women have a way of saying no to anal sex without actually opening their mouths – it’s a bit like boxing. He does a bit of jabbing around, pretending to be going for one hole, when he’s actually faking you out and making a play for the exit. But with a quick shift, a bob and a weave so to speak, the woman throws him off balance and directs him back to the preferred course. Most men will recognize that for what it is – a body language “hell to the nah” – but there are always a few that can’t be deterred. I’ve been in a battle like that more than once: they kept trying, I kept dodging, and pretty soon we were locked in a dance worthy of Muhammad Ali. The end result was never pretty. No, or a sucker punch to the head, does in fact mean no.

The Fireman, thwarted more than once, finally decided he was going to win our ongoing asshole battle by stealth. And by stealth, I mean he waited until I came over one night blitzed out of my mind, talked me into getting in the shower, and pretended we weren’t doing anything but having a jolly, soapy old time.

I was blissfully unaware of the danger lurking behind me when I bent to pick up a rag from the tub floor. Then, suddenly, before I had a chance to stand back up he...well, he attacked me from the rear. With gusto. I would have shrieked, but I had to grab the sides of the tub to keep from toppling over and, as luck would have it, my head was directly under the spray. Every time I tried to open my mouth, water filled it; mascara burned by eyes and matted them closed. It’s a wonder I didn’t drown, and to say I was traumatized would be putting it mildly.

The next day we had a family dinner and I drew more than my fair share of attention with my duck like walk and geriatric sitting techniques. My cousin Christine, who I unfortunately told everything to back then, found it hilarious and made sure to work in plenty of snide remarks and ass slapping. “It’s all fun and games until someone gets ass raped in the shower”, I shouted at Christine. “I could’ve died! My obituary would have read, “Poor young woman dies from ripped rectum/drowning!”

And my best friend was also unmoved, telling me that I should’ve just done what she had done from the beginning. “The first time they try it or ask you to try it, just say ‘Why, are you a fag?’. They generally don’t ask again.”

Though The Fireman did indeed ruin my first anal sex experience, its more than safe to say that I’d never planned on having one to begin with anyway; it wasn’t something I’d been even remotely curious about. For a while after that episode, every time a man suggested or attempted it, I became borderline hysterical. There was no more body language bobbing and weaving, it was simply “don’t you even think about putting it in my ass, motherfucker”. I found out that there’s a whole clan of straight men that pursue asshole sex with a passion. It seemed like every man I slept with wanted to be a bun bandit.

Then, as most of you already know, I had quite a lengthy dry spell. Now, if there was one good thing about being celibate for almost nine months, it was that no one was trying to make me a human hot dog. But that also means that I forgot to be vigilant, to expect it, to be ready with a karate chop to the jugular if need be.

The first time I had sex again it was, as I said here, with Sam. And it was fantastic. It was hot, it was freaky, and so what if he did slip one little finger in there mid romp? It didn’t hurt and I was so busy with the rest, I barely even noticed. He has long, thin piano player fingers because, you know, he plays piano and just...there was only one. The only definitive reason I can come up with for why my ass didn’t blow the rape whistle is, I suppose, because the rest of my body was too busy trilling to the tune of “Whistle while you work”.

I didn’t think anything of it – it never crossed my mind again. Until the last time I went over there.

Everything started off grand. I showed up at his house dressed to fall over on my face in a tight black skirt, a ruffled blouse with an easy access zipper on the side, and the strappy caged high heels he liked so much. We were supposed to go out for dinner, but after a few minutes of distracted conversation on the couch, it was clear that dinner would simply have to wait.

I was sitting astride his lap, shirt off and skirt ruched up around my waist when he stopped kissing me and said, “Bedroom. Now.” Standing up, I clacked up the stairs and down the hallway to his room. I hopped up on his bed, crawled to the middle, turned around, and started to pull my shoes off. “Did I tell you to take those off”, he asked, throwing his clothes left and right. “Nope”, I said laughing.

He was being a lot more forceful that he’d been before and that should have been warning number two (after the piano finger, you know). Forceful and hyped up are butt sex indicators, apparently. To his credit he waited until later, two O faces in to be precise, to pull his shenanigans.

I was on top, working on O face numero tres (perhaps to the rhythm of Digital Underground’s The Humpty Dance) when he said, “You know what I want?”

No, I didn’t. I had no idea; because I was too busy getting what I wanted. But I got all excited thinking it was going to be something awesome like, “I want you to let me slather you in Chick-fil-a dipping sauce, maybe slap your ass once or twice.” (He’s not really a hitter.) Or, you know, something simple like, “I want to make you scream”. Everybody likes screaming.

“Tell me”, I said – not breaking pace, because I’m a hardcore rodeo bitch like that. (“...I’m a freak. I like the girls with the BOOM...I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...”)

He stared at me. I stared at him. He stared at me. I started to get nervous. He stared at me. I stopped waving my arm in a circle over my head and kicking his legs with my heels.

“Get on your knees.”

Happy clap! Doggie style! OOWA OOWA! We’ll get back to the Humpty Dance later.

Staring nerves temporarily forgotten, I did as he asked. But then, leaning over, he whispered in my ear the words I should have known were coming. “I wanna fuck you in the ass.”

“Um...I don’t...err...not really my thing...”

But for some ungodly reason, I ended up eventually agreeing. Maybe it’s because I like him and wanted to please him; I don’t really know. Either way, it turned out that done correctly (and by correctly I mean with a warning and lube), it isn’t painful at all.

That does not mean I enjoyed it. On the contrary, it did nothing for me what so ever. I thought it was extremely weird and I was counting down the minutes until it was over. And when it was, he was so happy that I didn’t have the heart to tell him what I was thinking the majority of the time: “I’m totally having prison sex right now. This is what people do in jail. Ohmygawd I'm his bitch. I wonder what they use for lube...ew, no I don’t. I said what what in the butt...”

Later, stretched out beside him, we talked about it. I relayed my horror story and he looked appalled. “No wonder”, he said, rubbing my hip. But he also went on to tell me just how much he enjoys that particular pastime and how much he was looking forward to doing it again...among other things, but still. Ugh.

On my way home that night, after a comfortable few hours of pizza and movies, I wondered if I would let him do it again. I thought to myself, “Even though it does nothing for you...it doesn’t hurt. And he really likes it. Maybe it could be like a ‘you’ve been a very good boy’ treat.”

However, I formed a very different opinion over the next few days.

I typically stop by the makeup store on my way home and catch up with the women folk – my lovely godmom and her sidekick, the hilarious Jules, who is also doing the online dating gig. We share our horror stories, our sex stories, our “you’d better never breathe a word of that to anyone stories”...and we laugh a lot.

That, of course, means they have to be kept up to date on all things Sam related...and no subject is taboo.

“How was the other night”, they asked.

“I let him put it in my butt”, I said matter of factly.

They laughed. And knowing my unhappy history with anal sex, then they asked questions.

“It wasn’t bad. I mean, it didn’t really hurt or anything.” I went on to explain the logistics of the encounter.

“So are you going to do it again?”

“Well here’s the thing. I’ve decided that it’s not the act that bothers me anymore, it’s the after affects. For almost two days after that my ass was FUCKED UP, ok! It was just...things were...gross...not cool. I don’t remember that happening before. My body was taking its revenge.”

They laughed, the bitches. And while they were laughing, Jules threw her palms in the air, made an ‘oh no’ face and said, “Your ass was like...GASP! Someone’s been here!”

Then I was laughing even harder than they were. Someone may or may not have said, “Abort, abort”, but I don’t rightly remember because I was too busy dancing in place with my legs crossed, trying not to pee.

Yes, we’re classy like that.

So, anyway, now over a week has gone by since I’ve seen Sam. He was out of town this past weekend with the boys, but he let me know when he got back on Sunday (which was cute and unexpected). We’re supposed to see each other later this week and, unfortunately, I need to have two very important conversations with him.

The first is the typical female need for clarification – I need to know if all he wants is sex...he’s never actually said exactly what he wants. I like him, but I find myself falling into my same old habits. We hang out and we talk, but the majority of the time we’ve spent together, we’ve spent in the bedroom. And even though I do immensely enjoy the (normal) sex, that’s not all I want anymore. It’s great that we want to rip each other’s clothes off, but I also want someone to go out and do things with more often, to meet my friends and come to the Halloween party. I (holy shit) actually want to date.

This is all very new to me and I want to be as honest as humanly possible without sounding like a needy girl. And I don’t think of myself that way, really, because even though I like him a lot, I’m not emotionally invested at this point. So I’m going to ask him where we stand and, hopefully, I’ll do it in a way that makes me sound normal...because sometimes I get nervous when I have to talk about shit like that.

Then, of course, the second important conversation we need to have (if we even need to have it after the first one is over) is about my ass. I’m looking forward to that one even less. Because, honestly, how am I supposed to tell him it isn’t going to happen anymore? We’ve already had the “that wasn’t so bad, was it” conversation. How do I explain?

Do I just come out and say,

“Listen, I don’t particularly like it and it doesn’t do anything for me. However, I was prepared to take one for the team every now and then because you enjoyed it so much. But you know...later...Sigh. Um. See, it’s like this:

Sometimes, in the case of organ transplants, the body will reject the foreign organ. The immune system’s job is to say “bitch, that don’t belong here” and then it goes all kung fu on said organ and tries to destroy it, which causes all sorts of problems. They have medicine to help with that, but it still happens sometimes.

Basically what I’m trying to tell you is that my ass rejected your dick and tried to destroy it, several hours later and for a period of almost two days, in a very unpleasant manner...but your dick wasn’t there anymore so I’m the only one that had to suffer. At the moment I’m unaware of a pill I can swallow that will make my ass happier about being invaded, and I’m worried that next time it’ll realize your dick is there much sooner than it did previously and...well, you know. Plus, I really don’t like spending that much time on the toilet. I don’t know how you men do all that reading there, it isn’t comfortable.”

That’s what I’m working with right now, and I have less than a few days to polish it up and have it ready for presentation. I’ll draw a diagram if I must. It has to happen, no matter how uncomfortable a conversation it will be, because there is no fucking way I’m going through that shit again. Pun, unfortunately, completely intended.

“Peace and humptiness forever.”


Beta Dad said...

Awesome! I'm the first one to leave a comment! Yay. On the...butt sex post. Oh.

Rather than drawing a diagram, I suggest you look up "prolapsed anus" on google images, and either print it out or email him the link, with a message: "This is what you want to do to me?"

Good luck with the "What do I mean to you?" talk. To a dude, that is much more uncomfortable than being anally raped.

Baglady said...

I don't get the bum love thing - why do men want it so badly? Is it porn? Is it their deeply hidden homosexuality? Is it just that they like it very tight?

So I'm all "you go girlfriend" with both the talks. Hope it turns out how you want it to.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Why do some women really love it and come that way? I think you need to find one of these ladies and discuss it with them.

Eric said...

Ugh, not generally squeemish, but ugh...

Eric said...

Oh, I just 'got' the title. Hahaha

Anonymous said...

Good luck on the talks. Yah I want to meet a woman who likes it and have her explain to me why.

theTsaritsa said...

That's a great line if you're not into the what-what in the butt: "Why, are you gay?" That definitely has gotta work!

Sara said...

That really is a perfect line. Your friend is a genius.

Anonymous said...

That line "Why are you a fag?" is seriously brilliant. Bravo. Good luck with your talk, I say you should go all out and bust a powerpoint in his ass.

But seriously, good luck!

Xylina Myia said...

I love how open, honest and blunt you are in all your posts. I have had a boyfriend in the past try to get me to agree and I kind of did but when he tried I was all like "Hell to the No Fucker!" I told him it wasn't for me. That things were only supposed to exit from there and not enter. I told him if he wanted to do that stuff we needed to break up and he find a man who was willing and able! Needless to say we broke up a couple months later because of other reasons. He did try another time but I went all Jackie Chan on his ass. Anyways good luck with the convo's hopefully everything goes well :)

csmith2884 said...

Put me down for loving the honest too..Also good luck with conversation #1 or conversation #2 is a moot point anyhow. I am much more wild and adventurous in bed than my fiancée, but or sex life is great and the whole package of likes and dislikes is what makes us a couple.

And I have to say it since no one else did..how are those vanilla ice cream worries workin' out?..*laughing with you I hope*

jerrod said...

Your title should have been "The Unseeing Brown Eye."

You're welcome.

JUST ME said...

Good lord...That's like my experience with the ex...he liked butt stuff but would never be careful so I had UTIs like every other week.

Fuck that shit. NEVER AGAIN.

It's your body, mama. Your temple. Lock his dick out of the back door.

Isabealle12 said...

Oh freakin' my.
Just when I thought this blog couldn't get any funnier(awesomer), you pull out(<-*smirk*) "What what in the butt."!!! R.O.F.L.
You are simply fabulous.
And to your dilemma...Good luck with that! Pahaha.

JJadziaDax said...

all about the no to the anal. dated a guy that liked playing the oh that was an accident game. i just freaked out on him once started crying and got all emotional and wouldn't get on with the rest of sex. never had a problem again. i hate emotional girls, but not as much as guys do :)

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I would have gone w/ meet my chocolate starfish.

Anywho, Adonis has been pushing this issue for EVER. And yeah, I tell him if he'd take it first, I'd take it 2nd.

I think I'm going to try to get him to read this. He's not the empathetic sort and will make excuses about no two blind eyes are the same but I can cross my fingers.

You rock and happy Sam! dating, dating, dating WHOO HOO!

Shruthi said...

You must tell us how the second conversation went.

This post was a lot of fun to read - no vomit, btw.

Rusty Hoe said...

Oh lordy, what a post to come back to after a blog reading hiatus. I nearly peed myself reading this, maybe my front bottom was going out in sympathy for your back bottom. I will say there are no go zones and that particular one has a huge flashing neon light and emergency sirens. Apparently there are girls who love it, but I think they are an urban myth, kinda like people who actually like tofu.

Just Plain Tired said...

Honestly, a guy who demands that, is only thinking of his pleasure, not the woman's. Not very cool actually. With that said this was a humorous post. ;)

BugginWord said...

Not that I ever wanted to know this much about your anal sex exploits but I'm so glad I read this because it makes me want to scream three things.

a - Sex Packets was my first ever explicit lyrics cassette and HELLS TO THE YEAH!

b - "No, or a sucker punch to the head, does in fact mean no."

c - Allegedly there are girls out there that dig that thing. Let him find one of those. If I'm not into a cleveland steamer, I'm never going to be in to a cleveland steamer, no matter how much I like the dude.

Judearoo said...

Yikes! Ok, firstly you do realise what the Fireman did was borderline sexual assault?

I say if you're not loving it don't do it. Must be other stuff you can agree on to both enjoy?

Curious as to how the 'what is this, a relationship?' chat goes. Keep us posted!

hiphophippie.com said...

One of the biggest things I love about my boyfriend is that he doesn't like anal sex. But gurl, I've so been there. It's the worst! It's just blah then your ass rebels. NO FAIR.

I dunno, I say, if you're not into it, don't do it. There's more fish in the sea.

Bridget Callahan said...

I recently wrote about my ass virginity for something else, and how I wasn't really interested, but felt like if I didn't do it at some point it would make me a prude.

I have enough problems with my ass, conceptually. I don't think I'll be adding this to my skills list anytime soon.

RB said...

hahah this was HILARIOUS. I can totally commiserate with you...my first butt experience was pretty similar. The Boyfriend is one of those weird men that is obsessed with puttin it in the back door. And I agree. Done properly: not so terrible, but still does nothing for me. kinda feels like I need to do my business. Post butt: WORST TIME EVERRRR!


Didactic Pirate said...

First of all, your opening paragraph gave you the most awesome name for your future band: The Butthole Displeasures.

Second of all, go with the honesty thing when you talk to him next. Yea, it was cool of you to take one for the team and all that, but if you don't dig it, you shouldn't have to do it any more. Especially if there are after effects that are... uh... not awesome.

Third of all: if you're not sure whether you want to set a firm limit on what's cool/not cool, just remember that this is a two-way street. Would he be willing to do something for you that's typically not in his sexual wheelhouse (so to speak.. I'm sure there's a way to make that dirty)? It's true that it may not be as common, but guys have some limits too. Is he the kind of dude that would go past them if you asked? Cuz if he's not, there's no reason you should.

Sometimes I'm so wise it scares me.

michelle said...

Too funny! Good luck. Hope everything goes swell... Ooops. ^_^

Abasee said...

I'll go ahead and raise my hand as one of the apparently few women who enjoy the anal. Like most things it takes time and practice, and a partner willing to put in the effort to see that you enjoy it.

Good luck with the conversations!

Mashonda said...

I highly doubt I could ever try anal. Sexual activities with the anus do nothing for me. I was with a fellow once who wanted me to stick a finger up his backside, and when I said no, he kept pestering me until I finally caved. I only have little fingers, so he was complaining about how I wasn't going deep enough. That shit freaked me out, so I got my finger out of there as soon as possible. Pretty sure that dude was into it more than most straight men...just sayin'.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that you're a brave woman. With a nice rack.

mylittlebecky said...

BUTTSEXXXX! i think a little butt finger's ok sometimes but, yeah, whole shebang is... like... a diamond tennis bracelet at least.

Library girl said...

Oh boy! Great post, as per usual. Love your honesty and while I totally agree with the fact you will have to have the conversation on ass rejection, I understand your trepidation. Maybe you should just read him your little transcript at the bottom (lol - bottom. I'm gonna be secretly laughing at bum jokes all night now!). I think you were quite succinct, non-emotional and very clear! :) Good luck!

BrightenedBoy said...

I once again found myself laughing out loud while reading one of your posts. You should be a syndicated columnist, or perhaps be one of those bloggers who receives sponsorship.

I can totally see large numbers of people subscribing to read your crazy stories.

Another great and entertaining entry.

Penny Dreadful said...

Oh boy, am I glad I saved this one for home! I don't understand why so many men are obsessed with getting shit on their dick. It doesn't sound pleasant to me. And yet, the same men will panic over having sex with a woman during her period. FREAKS.

I think just say, it screws my arse up. Literally.

And anyway, why would he want to do something that you were just lying there 'putting up with'? Not very gentleman-like!

Michelle said...

Hilarious. Disgusting, but hilarious.

Love the honesty.

I'm thinking this guy isn't the guy for you. I don't think I'd want to deal with the inevitable begging/bargaining down the road with this guy. If this is such a favorite, he brought it to the table so early on, I don't think he'll let it go. But, good luck with your talk.

Anastasia said...

I'm with you all the way... on both conversations. Hard to walk the "where are we?" line and not come across as the needy woman you are not... as for the anal sex, oh my goodness, no. I'm all for intense new experiences but not there, no how, no way. Btw, LOVED "Happy Clap! Doggie style! OOWA OOWA!" Literally laughed long and loud. Keep us posted and good luck!

Anonymous said...

Personally, I only ask a girl to do things I'd be willing to do myself.

I need to find a VERY liberal gal . . .

Erin said...

WOW! I am new to your blog but I am already head over heals in love with it. Hilarious. Keep up the good work!

Feel free to check out Epic Tales of a Professional Freakshow in heels at


Moonlight said...

I don't know if you'll go for this idea, but I suggest you go to your nearest sex shop and find a vibrator about the same size as your boyfriend's penis. Buy some KY and thus armed, tell him that it's his turn now! I'm pretty sure he will freak out. ☺

See Kate run. said...

Having been ass-attacked, I am (as your comment section says) shocked and horrified. You don't seem too scarred to joke about it, but I've got the freaking heebie jeebies over here. I DESPERATELY want to find Fireman and stick a dick-sized vibrator up his ass with a, "Surprise, fucker! Do pain and humiliation sit right in your asshole?"

On a lighter note, I had a co-worker who adored it. She'd describe her fantastic ass sex while we fed pudding to Alzheimer's patients.

gweenbrick said...

I have never had anal sex, but I have had my prostate checked and it felt horrible, so I cannot imagine what the main event would entail.

Plus all the health risks: poopy wiener, pushed in stool, torn delicate things.

Maybe guys think it makes them tough to make love to pooey