Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Letters to Santa

I don’t remember a lot about the days leading up to Christmas when I was younger, though I have a general idea of what transpired. I spent the entire month of December anticipating – not really doing anything. There was just waiting and more waiting punctuated with Frosty cartoons and a trip to see Santa at the mall. And though I’ve seen pictures, I can’t recall one solid memory of ever sitting on some fat man’s lap. Unless you count my Papa, of course.

But I remember being full of excitement on Christmas Eve – tossing in my bed for what felt like forever and finally drifting off, only to wake a few hours later with the house still muffled by darkness. I’d force myself to lie there for another hour, knowing mom wouldn’t let me drag my little sister out of bed quite yet. Sometimes I’d creep to the living room and squint through my nerdy, round framed glasses at the piles of presents – trying to decipher what they were by the gloomy silhouettes. Santa didn’t leave wrapped presents at our house; he arranged them artfully around our stockings, like a shop window display.

I’d eventually succumb to temptation, still always before the sun made an appearance, and tiptoe to my sister’s room. I’d prod her awake and make her go ahead of me into our parent’s room to soften the early wake up call. Once Lee had done her thing, mom would get up and start the coffee while I danced anxiously from foot to foot.

Dad was always the last to wander out, stretching and grinning in his old blue robe, knowing we had to wait on him to get started. It was the only day of the year that he was always home and sober, no matter what. He loved Christmas and was always so excited to give us our gifts and watch us get excited in turn. I remember wishing it could be Christmas every day – not for the presents, but to keep him that way, smiling and pleasant.

While our parents sat on the loveseat in their robes, sipping steaming coffee and looking very pleased with themselves, we would exclaim over our piles from Santa Claus. Upending our stockings, we’d eye each other’s lot suspiciously, making sure one wasn’t better that the other. Then dad would dig under the tree and hand out the family presents. Paper would fly and squealing echoed off the walls.

When there was nothing left but the presents to take to The Grandmother’s later that day and a sea of brightly colored paper up to our ears, dad would get a trash bag and gather up the debris. And while mom got in the shower and did last minute food preparations, he would put batteries in our new toys. He would sit cross legged on the floor in his pajama bottoms, robe and coffee cup discarded, and the three of us would play. We would wait until the last possible minute to get dressed and pile in the car.

Now I’m a (and I use this term loosely) grown up and, though all our traditions are essentially the same, the players have switched roles. My part is no longer that of the excited, vision impaired child. I’m now the “arranger”. I’m the groggy adult pulled from her warm bed, forced to ooh and ahh over the presents the fat man gets credit for. The person that cleans the mess rather than makes it, and pays out her ass rather than sits on it.

I envy my five year old this holiday season. All she has to do is sit on the couch, stuff her face with cookies, and irritate me with the incessant ping, ping, ping of her Nintendo DS games. She has no monetary worries, no gift giving stresses, and no desire to best anyone in the cake baking arena. She won’t be bothered with crazed shoppers and her Christmas party will be full of laughter, not the ubiquitous sound of ass kissing.

The major difference between my new role and my old one is not that I buy more than I receive (though that is so pitifully true). It isn’t that I get drunk on wine rather than lie in bed counting the hours till someone comes along breaking and entering, or that I stay up chatting about blowjobs rather than reciting The Night Before Christmas. The major difference, people, is that the mysteries of the holiday have now been revealed. The veil has lifted and as a result, some of the magic has been lost.

Ahem. (Shield your child's eyes. I know you let them read this blog.)

There is no Santa Claus. I repeat: There is NO Santa Claus! Presents are not free and they are not made by elves. There are things called credit cards and one nasty event called Black Friday that was created by Satan and Martha Stewart’s minions. Adults do not get piles of presents, they get bills.

It’s not that I’m a complete scrooge or anything like that. Truthfully, even though it usually hurts me in the end, now I love to give presents a bit more than I like receiving them. (I said a bit more.)

I like watching the kid’s little face light up when she sees her gifts. I like buying things for people that I know they’re going to love, and basking in the warm glow of feeling superior. “They like my present better than yours! Ha, in your face!” I’m absurdly pleased when someone raves about something I got them. Receiving is kick ass, but I’ll agree that giving is more...fulfilling.

It’s rather like my views on oral sex – “Oh, that’s nice...” as opposed to “I noh ou ike it, eeeahh!” How many compliments do you get upon receiving something? None. People don’t just go around saying, “Damn, you’re good at taking that gift!” Or, “Thank you so much for letting me give this to you.” No. The receiver is the one that gives the compliments and gushes with gratitude, and honestly, I’m not always good at handing out thank yous. But I definitely excel at swallowing them.

Anyway, I know people that tell their kids right off the bat that Santa doesn’t exist. My cousin and her husband did that with their three boys, and that was their prerogative. But if one of those little fuckers ruins my kid’s magic prematurely – I will light their bible thumping asses on fire. I may not like giving up the credit for the best presents to the fat guy, but I get to experience a little bit of my old excitement through her and it is kind of nice. It helps to take my mind off the grown up responsibilities – if only for a little while.

As a matter of fact, we’ve been working on her letter to Santa Claus and it’s almost ready to go out. Still being the sweet, blissfully ignorant child that she is, the kid encouraged me to write a letter to him too. “He’ll bring you something too, Mama. You’ve been good!” And you know what? I decided I would do it. Did you know there are places you can mail them to and receive an actual reply?

Dear Santa Claus,


Even though I know you aren’t real, my daughter insisted we both write to you. And since I’ve recently drained the last of my wine bottle and taken a Xanax, I suddenly feel as though anything is possible. You could be out there, hammering away in your workshop with a passel of little people, just waiting to hear from me.


I feel I’ve been rather good this year too. I’ve barely slept with anyone at all, comparatively speaking, and definitely with no one underage. I know you’re remembering the Halloween party, but let me just assure you, I would never have acted on those thoughts. Wait...are you even a mind reader? That’s not important! What is important is that I’m morphing into a sporadically responsible adult, and as an almost always irresponsible child that received presents no matter how many times I was suspended from the school bus, I feel it’s only fair that you cough up the goods now too.


So, without further ado, here, sir, are my requirements:


I would like a pony. That’s a vibrator, not an actual pony. And it must be pink.


I would like a gift certificate to the plastic surgeon. What I want it for is none of your nevermind.


Free health insurance, a new car (and while you’re at it, please pay off my old one first), a book deal, and a foreign boyfriend with a huge penis.


And just to show you that I’m not all that picky, if you’re unable to acquire a foreigner with a huge penis, I’ll settle for a mute, or extremely quiet, American with a huge penis. The rest, though, is non-negotiable. Oh, and while I’m feeling generous...why not throw in a little world peace?


In return, I’ll try to leave out some milk and cookies for you. I can’t promise anything, mind. I never know when I’ll get the munchies or a sudden craving for White Russians.


You need not send a reply just in case you aren’t real. I don’t want to be disappointed before I’m disappointed, you see.


Merry Christmas!

I think that should suffice. I wonder if one of these Santa services would actually reply to that.

Well. There’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?

65 comments:

Sally-Sal said...

"I’m not always good at handing out thank yous. But I definitely excel at swallowing them."

OOOOOOOklahoma where blowjobs
are like handshakes....

Milkman, right?

Santa isn't real. But the burger clown is. That's a man you can believe in.

Big Daddy Cool said...

Just brings back the Holiday spirit. Now I want to watch that claymation special with the Heat Miser for some reason...

But one correction. Martha Stewart IS Satan. That evil, wrinkly, flower decorating crone...

Baglady said...

Heh heh. Wish I'd written to Santa now. Let me know if he does give you that pony, erm, I mean book deal. Then I'd definitely write next year.

By the way, if you want a foreign boyfriend you really should swing by my blog. I have just the thing. No idea if he's got a big cock, though.

Simple Dude said...

I not only envy your 5 year old, but plan on emulating your 5 year old.

I have a ton of vacation time coming to me in the next few weeks and have DAYS on end planned out to just sit on the couch eating cookies. I'm kind of an ass like that.

SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

Nari said...

Oh please...I beg of you to let me know if you get a response.

Maybe Mrs. Clause will give you a little shout out - in support of the sisterhood and all

rubbish said...

My Daughter is now at the age where she realises that there's no Father Christmas. It's a bit gutting to be honest. Also bad news when buying her presents because when we ask her what she wants all we get is, "stuff"?
What the fuck is stuff?
Kids, who would have them?

Janie B said...

Hilarious, as usual. I enjoy reading your blog so much.

etoile said...

Hahah this made my freaking day. I'm actually dying laughing in my chair at work pretending I'm not procrastinating and reading blogs. People are looking at me funny...

Ashley said...

Stupendous!

Dee in N.H. said...

ROTFL! Hope you get your very own big foreigner for Christmas!

dys·func·tion said...

Hilarious! My magical moments were ruined on a school bus when I was 8. It sucked the big one, and I would definitely punch someone in the face for ruining it for my kids.

I almost peed when you said (eloquently mind you) that you would "light their bible thumping asses on fire".

Very nicely versed.

Robbie Grey said...

That was grand! I laughed myself sick.

Danger Boy said...

Excellent! Though I honestly thought it was a rabbit, not a pony. I miss so much, being a man.

And yes, swing by Baglady's blog...she really does have just the thing.

Jackie said...

Loved this post. It had me smiling the whole way through! I may be 19 but I still believe in Santa because I don't want to lose the magic of christmas!! Truthfully I think it's a miracle that my parents buy me gifts every year so to me it is magical that they still do and that somehow they just show up christmas day. I'm not sure where they hide them before that and I don't want to know because that would ruin my belief in Santa and the magic of Christmas :)

Big Daddy Cool said...

Was just thinking...what about a foreigner who IS a huge penis? Simon Cowell is available, isn't he?

Alejandro Tinajero said...

This is quite possibly my favorite blog post of all time. <3

Lipstick and Latex... said...

LMFAO!! If you happen get that foreigner with the BIG penis... ask him if he has a brother. I'm in the market for one too.

Love your blogs.

xoxox...

xoxoxo said...

I was ready to tear up... until I remembered the blow job talk( I have friends that understand this!!) and the letter... It is BEER and cookies! Get it right! And while we are at it... make it pot brownies!

xoxoxo said...

And BTW--if you get a book deal, I would totally buy it. Used... THAT is not an insult!

just sayin' said...

AWESOME! :)

JUST ME said...

I'm pretty sure my letter to Santa would look the exact same. I'm definitely asking for a man this year. Someone who is hot, awesome, gainfully employed, loves his parents, and is tall.

Oh, and also - not insane.

Didactic Pirate said...

Very few writers are able to incorporate Santa letters and oral sex into one post. Let alone do so seamlessly.

I think you may be the only one who can. That must be why you're my favorite.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

What's actually going to happen here is, Santa - or "Enrique" as his mom calls him when he's not doing seasonal work as Santa - will get your letter, get a boner like a construction crane and bring himself and his giant Hispanic penis to your house and offer his services with a present of his own just for you. And you all live happily ever after.

I love my version. As much as I love this wine. :)

Agentblue24 said...

Your eloquent use of swallowing thank you's was classic. Quite funny

Mollie said...

I actually got a letter from Santa once. Took it with me to my mom's AA meeting to show the babysitter who didn't like me. She thought it belonged to the other little girl and the look on her face when I told her it was mine gives/gave me a warm smugly feeling.

Definitely kick the nephews asses if they rain on the Santa parade. Tell them about the draft....'cuz that shit's real.

Beta Dad said...

I'm an almost complete scrooge. But I haven't seen my kids open presents on Xmas yet. That could change.

Right now, this is my proposition for holiday gift giving:

1)Everybody get a 100-dollar bill out of the bank and write "Merry Christmas" on it.

2)When you see somebody you know, give them a hug and the c-note. They will return the hug as well as a similarly decorated bill of equal value.

3)Repeat until the holidays are over. Do whatever you want with the cash.


I hope you get all your Xmas goodies!

michael-erudit@yandex.ru said...

oh, yes!

Eric said...

Bjs and Christmas in one post?
A literary feat anyone should be proud of...

thepavl said...

:)

iz very very niiiice...

Fortunes Fool said...

Santa never wrapped presents at my house either! AND I'm typically shitfaced on x-mas eve before dinner. By dessert I'm 3 xanax in and numb to the reality/happiness that is Christmas.

This is EPIC. Love it!

http://fourtunesfool.blogspot.com/

Ed said...

"with a passel of little people"...your vocabulary is big like a foreigner's penis.

*whispered really quietly like the American I am. If you know what I mean.*

BugginWord said...

If you find the book deal fairy, can you hog tie him and hold him hostage until I get there, too?

This year I'm not actually buying people things, just "virtually" giving them things. So I picked this out for you. I'm not actually buying it, mind you, but if I had a shit ton of willy nilly money, I'd get you this: http://etsy.me/dQyv4D

Nicole said...

Brava for the very perfectly written letter to the fat man!

And extra applause for noticing that the magic isn't really gone, it's just that you're one of the magicians now.

Shaddrack said...

Hey,i'm a foreigner,i suppose.Welsh like,y'now.
Unfortunately i i seem to have a rather small penis.Not all the time though mind you,just most of the time.
As far as Santa goes-i just bought myself a new bass guitar.I am Santa Claus,but i never wear red.Not my colour.At all.

Library girl said...

Oh that was so naughty ... but nice! BTW congrats on getting Blog of Note. Nothing like a bit of recognition for all the hard work you've done!

Liksi said...

You made me wanna write to Santa. I've never done that in my entire life, but I guess that it's because the customs are different in my country. I found out that Santa doesn't exist, when I was very little, but I pretended that it wasn't true for years. I don't know why. Perhaps I was afraid I wouldn't get any more presents.
Anyway, every year I make a list of things I would really want to happen in the next year and I work hard to make it real, even if it's unrealistic. Once I decorated my whole house so it looked like some exotic place near beautiful beach, because I couldn't afford to go there. I invited my boyfriend over and we had the best time ever. :)
http://liksi.blogspot.com

Melissa said...

I had no idea that Santa wasn't for real. This is devastating. I wonder if my kids know?

Haley said...

One of those places that responds to Santa letters happens to be a half hour drive from my house in the states. North Pole, Alaska, is south east of my home town, Fairbanks (So technically I grew up even farther north than the north pole), and about half of the world's Santa Letters end up there. I believe the other half end up in another "North Pole" in Norway I think. Supposedly a group of volunteers write responses to all the little children (and in your case, not so little children) in Santa's name.
Santa has since sued for misrepresentation and forgery/fraud, but I'm pretty sure the courts will throw the case out.

vicwlk said...

OMG! That was an awesome letter to Santa. Makes me want to write I think it may relieve the stress of Christmas shopping.

http://lillydates.blogspot.com/

Bee said...

Bahhahaha awesome letter.
I busted my dad putting money under pillow when I lost a tooth. I was financially wise enough to keep my mouth shut until every tooth had its pay day.

runawaybride said...

it was a great shock for me to know that santa isn/t real... as also that there are no fairy tales and no fairy tale princes...
still a part of me hopes that a prince with shining armourwill come along riding a horse just for me...
its hard to grow up

dream man said...

nice your blog..... i like it...


by. piyooh.com

Nameless said...

I had to read this more than once because I wanted my laughter to be repeated. The penis passages are hilarious -- your sense of comedic timing is fucking perfect. So damn glad I have your blog bookmarked...

--Jeffrey S. Callico
www.whatisbutmaynotbe.wordpress.com
www.negativesuck.com
www.wiredwriter.wordpress.com

Ben Aidoo said...

It will be easy to continue believing that Santa doesn't exist if you didn't get what you wish for, but I'm wondering (laugh) if your belief will change if you got what you wish for; considering Santa may be one among those who read your post.

Bailey said...

haha I too am jealous of kids on Christmas. But I guess it's only fair that everyone gets their turn at a couple of years of ignorant bliss.

I don't remember much from the holidays when I was little either. I do remember when I was little instead of taking me to the mall to see Santa my parents brought him to me in the form of my dad's drunk friend dressed up like Santa. That way I got to see the legend and they got to party. I always thought that was a smart time saver.

Unbreakable said...

That's a list of some serious demands. Santa might have to get creative to fulfill just some of them. Maybe he'll grant you the boyfriend part and you'll get him as a present. You know Santa is foreigner, no matter where you live, and if he doesn't have huge penis he can swing by with huge vibrator.

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The Lissst! said...

As always, you are fucking hilarious...and I mean that. I'm not just saying it. "Cause sometimes I do that. and sometimes I fucking ramble on and on. I tend to do that when I have a blog crush.

My list to Santa.

7.Will you please have Calling People Names look at my blog.
www.thelissst.blogspot.com

Tori said...

great blog. just was going through the last few "blogs of note" because i am a lazy college kid who likes putting off studying for finals. nice letter to santa too. Yesterday I was actually thinkingit would be nice if they made a santa for grownups. you know, one that doesn't call you to ask you what you want for christmas and then complain that it all seems to cost a lot after you already said that you required no presents.

Danielle said...

You have just inspired me to write a letter to Santa! LOL!

Trish said...

If I received that letter, I would have gladly written back- because I'm sure it was the most entertaining in the group of letters asking for a Miley Cyrus backpack and a Justin Beiber action figure. Which will be out in time for christmas.

Cat said...

I sincerely hope you send your letter to Santa...

My mother worked in finance and HR at Canada Post for 30 years and did her share of answering the letters to Santa. I think yours would make some poor postal worker's day :D

who said...

Is it really mandatory, or do you really think Santa will punish us for having sex with too many people?

AbsolutelyPrimed said...

Will you write a letter to Santa for me? Yours was epic!

Lou said...

What a brilliant post! You are such a talented writer- i hope you know that?!

You described Christmas so well. It was the same for me- that excitement of presents and Santa visiting. It's a shame that's gone. But you've still got a bit left- in your child. That must be so great to see.

PS: I would definately mail your letter to santa. I would LOVE to se what they write back. Go on, post it. :)

Ohara said...

Always the case, the kids get more than we do. The difference usually is that the kids have a 'want' list and the adults have a 'need' list.

Melissa Edwards said...

This was great! I think I am inspire to write to Santa, too.

* said...

Haha, first let me say, you are amazing, if I had the ability I would give you a book deal like that *clicks fingers*

I'm 19 so I'm just starting to play the adult roles at christmas. Even though I'm a major bitch the majority of the year round, making people happy in the spirit of the holiday really is nice! (And in a few ways I agree with the childhood fatherly reason for wanting christmas to stay)

I really hope you and "The Kid" have a great holiday, and she keeps believing in Santa till she's 14 like I did XD

C. Alvarez said...

ROFL! Jaded, and yet still funny! I enjoyed this entry, and I love your letter to Santa.

I do hope you get your wish, but he needn't be mute, as long as he's not stupid or annoying (trust me on that one).

C. Alvarez said...

I forgot! Sometimes people do give out compliments for receiving! My brother gave me a gift, and since I'm the poor one, it's very difficult for me to receive things. I told him how lovely it was and how much I would enjoy using it (it was an oil lamp of some sort, that uses the short plastic scented oil pots). He was all like "WOW, you're very gracious." I guess it made him happy that I was so involved in enjoying his gift.

L said...

girl. you really knock me down on the floor laughing. you are the best! im gonna make a wish list to santa too. thanks for the inspiration.

zephyr

Princess said...

I stumbled on this blog and I am soo glad I did! I have been studying for finals and so busy with school work that I feel like I have not had time to get into the Christmas spirit! But this all changed after reading this post! All my Christmas memories of a child came rushing back and I now can not wait to get home with my family :)
Merry Christmas Everyone!

Al Penwasser said...

I also just happened onto this blog and I'm also so glad I did. This really takes me back to aluminum Christmas trees, petrified ribbon candy, and pieces of crap that crapped out before turkey dinner. And I don't mean my dad. Or, maybe I do...?

Captain said...

I think I did my parents a favor by never believing in Santa. Thankfully, I will also never have children so that I may avoid all of this completely.

BrightenedBoy said...

You absolutely must send that letter.

Pie still believes in Santa and I absolutely love leaving her letters from him.