Thursday, December 16, 2010

You are NOT the father!

I’ve been dicking around for at least a week now – starting posts, then scrapping them and getting caught up in reading other people’s blogs. Or maybe I’ve been reading more of my own blog than I have anyone else’s. Is that not the height of vanity?

It really wasn’t meant to be that way. It actually started because I wanted to jog my creativity, maybe pull some new ideas from the dregs of old posts. But it ended up with me sucking down diet Pepsi and tweeting about “Extreme Masturbation” in between rereading posts from a year ago and wondering what happened to that girl. She wasn’t having sex very much, but she was funny. And she certainly didn’t have writer’s block.

I know the part of the above paragraph you’re most interested in is “Extreme Masturbation” and honestly, I have no clue where that idea came from. But suddenly I got a mental picture of the sport they call “Extreme Ironing” and I thought, “How fucking badass would it be if they made a reality show about people that masturbated under extreme circumstances? Like parachuting, bungee jumping, rock climbing, scuba diving, race car driving, or getting arrested.” Just imagine – if a dude can keep it up (and finish!) through conditions like those...then he’s bound to be worth a ride. Or a laugh.

Then, of course, I thought it was most likely a moot point. The Japanese probably came up with that idea ages ago.

Anyway, since I can’t come seem to complete a nice, streamlined post, I figured I’d just give you a few updates on the dating front:

I’m no longer seeing Sam because he is a self absorbed bore that wouldn’t stop trying to put it in my butt. Seriously. I’m done. The man is completely incapable of compromise in the bedroom. I asked him to pull my hair once and he acted as if he were completely offended. After things were done and we were just lying there I said, “What is your problem with hair pulling or slapping? Why are you so against it?”

“It’s really just not my thing”, he said. “Plus, when someone asks me to do it...it just seems really stupid and awkward to me.”

“Well I wouldn’t have to ask you to do it if you would’ve just tried it, at least once. Besides, you certainly had no qualms about “asking” to put it in my ass. And pardon me, but that’s really not my thing and I find that stupid and awkward.”

Then he posted a series of rude, racist, and misogynistic “notes” on Facebook. And that, friends, was the cherry on top of the end of my first, ill fated, online dating relationship. But you know what? You live, you learn, and you start sleeping with someone that has your blog address and knows exactly what you like sexually...and has no problem giving it to you.

I mentioned this very briefly several posts ago (only one line, in fact), but yes, it’s true. There’s a man I know in real life that actually has this blog address. It was a bit of an accident, really.

See, he was really the match of a friend of mine that’s been doing online dating too. But after meeting, they decided to just be friends. One night she and I planned to meet for drinks and she invited him along.

We all hung out – eating dinner, drinking, and playing pool. And my friend, not thinking anything of it, mentioned my writing. At first I was a bit surprised. I’m not used to talking about my blog in public. But in the end I decided that it didn’t really make a difference whether he knew about it or not, since he wasn’t a romantic prospect.

But after a night of incessant drinking, laughing, and sharing every embarrassing sex story ever to grace this blog – I somehow ended up in his bed. And there wasn’t much sleeping involved.

Then, obviously, I was faced with a dilemma I’ve never had before. I always write about my encounters, but under a comfortable layer of anonymity. The thought of having the subject of a post analyzing every word I wrote about him was a bit daunting.

I thought, “Well, of course that means I just won’t be able to write about him.” But recently he informed me that he has in fact read my blog, and he has no problem being the topic of discussion. Something about not wanting to hinder my creativity...

My first reaction to that was, “Sweet! A free pass!” But after thinking about it a little more, and actually attempting to write an entire post about him and him alone, I was stuck. I just couldn’t get past the fact that he may not agree with my assessment. And while I’m still unable to go into the amount of detail I normally would, I can tell you this:

The sex was fantastic. All of it. And he’s rather insatiable. I don’t have much to compare it to, but I suppose I’ve been mistaken in the assumption that older men have lower libidos. He’s 43 to my 25 and I’m not sure what he’s like the next day, but after I leave his place I’m exhausted for the next 24 hours.

However, I can’t really give him complete marks because he was practically given a roadmap. He knew just about everything I liked and disliked from our hours of talking shit at the bar. As a matter of fact, I actually told him the face slapping story. And he, unexpectedly, gave it a go...even though we both dissolved into laughter immediately afterward.

We went out to dinner a few weeks ago and I watched the SEC championship game at his house. He makes me laugh when we hang out and it’s actually kind of nice not to worry about what he thinks of me...because he already knows all of the bad stuff. I can just be myself.

I’m under no illusions that he’s a one woman man and I couldn’t say how long this...mm, tryst, of ours will last, but right now I’m just enjoying it. (Except maybe that one time when he kissed me, then said in a rather terrible Darth Vader voice: “Ally, I am your father!” Umm...well, you could be.)

Tomorrow night we’re supposed to go out for drinks and, I think, play a few games of pool. Maybe it’s like drinking beer – the more you drink, the easier it goes down. Maybe the more time I spend with him, the easier he’ll be to write about.

Or, maybe I should just ask him to stop by and give his side of the story – “What it’s really like to sleep with the woman who writes about her sexual conquests, yet never gives them a chance for rebuttal.”

Perish the thought.

36 comments:

Nae said...

You are having all fun - I love it! I came across your blog recently and am just so happy you wrote a no-holds bar post so for the benefit of me reading it. :D

Online begun relationships, hmmmm that's a big ole' can o' worms for me. Lots o' talk - no game in real life. It's funny how across the board men (in particular) lack the ability to openly discuss events one wished would/would not happen in bed. At least for the moment, you are having fun with someone who is open and honest.

dys·func·tion said...

Hilarious! And I think it would make a great post to have him guest write for you.
It would be an interesting turn of events.

Of course, it may also demolish your ego on a very public scale...hmm.

Sarah said...

Tell you what. . .my fiance is 42 to my 26, and the man just does. not. quit.

In a good way, of course.

All that to say, the whole misconception about older guys and them being A) Unable to get/keep it up B) Easily tired C) Boring etc.? All misconceptions.

But I guess I don't have to convince you. :)

Baglady said...

Ooh, I am interested to know if he's still cool about you writing now you've actually done it...

Glad you kicked the ass fucker into touch.

Al Penwasser said...

Extreme masturbation...I'm up for it (no pun intended).
Probably a bad idea during a rodeo, but, hey...
Enjoy yourself and seize the day-carpe diem. Or Carpe Carp (if that is what you wish to seize, at least).
As for me, I'm usually wiped out for several days (I miss my younger self!).

Nari said...

Older men only have lower libidos with older women, not twenty-somethings. You're like Viagra for him. Enjoy yourself AND him.

FB comment for Sam's wall: Hairpulling: Racy
Slapping: Kinky
Assf*cking: Gay

The Vegetable Assassin said...

The Darth Vader thing made me laugh out loud. :) Hey one can laugh and do the business at the same time right? I mean it didn't put you off your stroke or anything did it?

At least you can stop puckering your sphincter now that butt boy's gone on his merry way.

Penny Dreadful said...

Sam was a jerk. I like the new guy. And I'm glad you wrote a little something about him, even though it was a little more complicated than usual.

Sara said...

If you got him to write a post about how you are in the sack, I have a feeling I would orgasm all over your blog.

That sounded disgusting.

Maybe it's not the best idea...

theTsaritsa said...

Yeah, talking in a Darth Vader voice and saying "I am your father" is most certainly not a turn on, but it sounds like he could be a lot of fun.

JUST ME said...

This is what I'm always worried about...someone - anyone - stumbling across my blog. I've gone back and forth "should I stay anonymous? Should I let it all hang out?"

All I know is for a while my AUNT read my blog and it was kind of torturous. And awkward.

Glad you A) found a hot guy and B) have figured out how to live in both the real and online world successfully.

Not the Hero said...

Honestly from a guys perspective i would love to get inside a womans head after having sex. I'd love to know what I did wrong and what i did right. It is kinda something that I've always looked for in a girl. She shouldn't be afraid to tell me how i did. I take constructive critisism really well. I definetily think that you should post about it.

Trish said...

For the reason along of wanted to write about the flings, I remain anonymous. The only person who actually knows me on here is my best friend, and she knows everything that is going on anyway. Anonymous is much more free.

Didactic Pirate said...

Just a couple thoughts:

1) So the first dude was into anal, but he was squinched out by the idea of a little hair pulling? What's up with that? That's sort of weird.

2) The second guy who was ok with you writing about him? It sounds like he gets off on the idea of being immortalized on your blog. Which is fine, as long as he would still be into you even if you didn't have a big blog following. If all he wants is to be famous, he should just make porn.

Thus sayeth your big brother ( who is also almost old enough to be your father).

runawaybride said...

ha ha ha...
yes i think you should give him also a chance to describe ur encounters with him..
not just him even the anal sex guy...
but it was too tacky, the 'i am ur father' thing.

www.arrangedindianmarriage.blogspot.com

Eric said...

Hahahaha, an 'Extreme Masturbation' series, that would be hilarious. I mean can you imagine the focus required for a double upside down loop roller coaster ride finished in five minutes? I can, I've lived it.

(kidding)

Jennifer Bruno said...

I'm new to your blog, and am hooked with the tag "what what in the butt". (I'm easy.) :-) I look forward to seeing how this plays out. Keep on keepin' on!

Shruthi said...

Funny thing, when I was reading this, there was a distinct Southern drawl. (yeah, i'm an imaginative original like that).

Loved this post. There's so much here. You're mulling, you're telling.

Mummysquared said...

Glad he did Darth Vader and not Yoda. That would have been a total turn off.

Fa L'Americana said...

in the ass... or hair pulling... how does someone not understand? You should have offered to stick something up his or pull his hair and see which one he chooses then...

Nyven said...

I'm new to your blog too and seriously loved this post!! I blog anonymously because well, I work as a contractor for the govt (which means I am hated by all it seems) and like having a paycheck so anonymous works for me. But family, friends and even some (TRUSTED) coworkers know my blog address.

However, I do post about any and everything!

My hubby is 11 years older, he's 46& I'm 35, and really in the 10+ years of marriage he has never really changed his sexual libido (which is that of a 17 yr old) - which in itself can be a good AND bad thing. Good in that when you want it - its ready to go. Bad bc at some point you just want time to be quiet and relax and he's all BOOBIES.

Danger Boy said...

Glad the petulant punk is gone. If you can ask for anal, you can pull some hair. Just sayin'. It's give AND take. Sheesh.
As for the current Lord Vader, enjoy! Don't fault the man for head start if he's taking you to the finish, honey! :)

Fortunes Fool said...

First of all if someone even comes remotely close to my asshole with intentions of violating it, IT'S OVER> End. Of. Story. So good call on the "ass clown".

Secondly, I think it's super cool that you enjoy hanging with him and can still write about him. I kinda get what you are are saying because only TWO people who are in my "real life" know about mine. and I'm sure if anyone else actually knew, I'd over think what I could and couldn't write. I didn't want it to be that way. I wanted to be as honest as possible. Have fun with Darth tomorrow! He's cool about being written about so give him something to be written about!

BugginWord said...

My husband tried to pull that "who's your daddy?" shit on me once. Once.

Judearoo said...

Excellent post! And you were worried about writers' block! Do you think he'd be up for doing a 'his side of the story' thing?

Miss H said...

I love your blog, it is very well written and HILARIOUS. I've been looking for something for quite some time with the humor contained in your posts. I commend you for being so honest and funny. Thanks for making today a good one.

Brash said...

I think that's very interesting that he had the whole roadmap of your vagina, good thing,
I prefer when women tell me exactly what they want, you should try it.

BrightenedBoy said...

You're so much like my friend Laquesha that it's a little bit scary.

She would love the idea of televising extreme masturbation.

The situation with the guy you're dating is exactly why I stay anonymous; I could never feel comfortable writing about people if I knew they read me, and I'd feel the need to sugarcoat everything I said about them.

He sounds like fun, though.

Brock - http://whatafa.blogspot.com/ said...

Laughed out loud at the "extreme masurbation" concept.

Nodded knowingly at the assumption that the Japanese had already ran with it.

:)

Mladen said...

I had a whole other story in mind when I read the title...

Lou said...

You're just knocking these fantastic blog posts out as if it's easy, aren't you?!

I love reading your blog. You write brilliantly. Please do not stop!

As for the subject matter, i say (aside from the 'i am your father' comment- creepy) if the sex is good, who cares about the age difference?
And if he doesn't mind you blogging about it- even better bonus!

Another great read. :)

kmdelacruz said...

This comment has nothing to do with your post. Honestly I wanted to send you the link to my latest blog post in an email, but I didn't see your email on your page. It's a video blog post and I thought you would appreciate it. Love your blog by the way.

Katie

http://katiedid86.blogspot.com/2010/12/i-cant-make-you-love-me.html

Eric said...

Hahaha, Mummysquared comment...

'Think me small do you?'
- Yoda in bed

caterpillar said...

Guest post by him sounds like an idea...he got to have his say, right....lucky girl...enjoy... :)

Kristy Lautner said...

When my little tryst turned into now nearly 4 years together and married nearly 3 after years of friendly banter at work and as friends only. My dear hubby KNOWS what I liked and didn't before we even had our first kiss.

I also "dated" a man who read my blogs regularly before he even ever approached me...something to be said for a reader of your blogs and getting it done for real!

I have only had a few experiences with it but found it was PERFECTLY scripted by my own ten little piggies:)

Enjoy it!

Yakitori said...

Oooh oooh oooh! About extreme masturbation - there IS a video on this site called efukt that has a woman in it hang-gliding and using a hitachi on herself at the same time.

And she's Japanese. Lol. ^___^