Thursday, December 30, 2010

My biggest pet peeve

I’ve got a million pet peeves, just like most people. Every day is full of little irritations.

I can’t stand it when someone leaves the cap off the toothpaste or doesn’t flush the toilet. I loathe backseat drivers, slow drivers, and pedestrians. (Yes, pedestrians.) I hate poor grammar and people that read something aloud, even though I’ve already read it or am in the process of reading it. I don’t like it when people tap things, click things, or make any sort of continuous pointless noise. But my biggest pet peeve, the one thing that puts me so on edge my head starts to hurt and I begin to lose touch with reality – is whining.

Before I go any further let me clear a few things up. Yes, I am aware that I have whined before and will do so again. Yes, I am aware that makes me a hypocrite. Show me a person that isn’t, in some way, a hypocrite and I’ll show you my breasts. Both of them. (The few of you that may or may not have already seen them, or only one of them, keep quiet.)

Also – there is a difference between whining and crying, whining and venting, and whining and confiding. I think I’m relatively good at making those distinctions.

My sister is a crier. I am, predominately, a venter. And my child is a whiner.

I realize that all children whine from time to time, but I can confidently report that the kid does it in excess. It she had cheese to go with her whine, she could end world hunger. If it was an Olympic sport, she would win the gold, break the legs of the silver and bronze winners, and take their medals too. It’s gotten so bad that she only has one tone of voice and that’s the up-and-down-up-and-down cadence of The Whiner.

“MaMA! I WAnt some snACks!”

“MaMA! I WAnt to WAtch SPONGEbob!”

She doesn’t even realize that she’s doing it, so it’s a constant thing. And it’s entirely my mother’s fault (but that’s a different story).

If I’ve had a rough day and the first thing I hear when I walk in the door is “MaMA, MiMI woN’T LET me PLay WIth MY dSSSSSS!”...I start by chewing my lower lip. Then I suggest that there must be a good reason why Mimi won’t let her play with it, and more whining automatically ensues.

“Stop whining”, I’ll say. Sometimes this is followed by a threat, sometimes a bribe, and sometimes I just point to the closet door.

But it never fails – she always counters with: “I’M noT WHinING!”

Really? You could have fooled me, Taylor Swift Jr.

So the kid lit the fire on the whining pet peeve and has been vigorously fanning it ever since. Consequently, this hasn’t boded well for other people. They may not typically be whiners, but if they do it around me, even once, there is a strong possibility that I’m going to A) make fun of them, B) kill them with my death ray laser glare/derogatory remarks, C) begin singing “Here’s a quarter, call someone who cares”, or D) turn around and walk off, muttering expressions of violence.

For instance – my cousin has a tendency to whine about her boyfriend. And though her boyfriend is indeed one of the most irritating and needy individuals I’ve ever met...I still can’t excuse the whining.

“He is constantly calling me and texting me and if I don’t text him back immediately, he starts freaking out. Ugh. I’m so tired of it. I can’t stand it. It’s driving me crazy. And he like, never wants to do anything with my friends and...” Blah, blah, blah, blahbity fucking blah.

To which I reply with something like: “He probably wouldn’t have to harass you by phone if you weren’t off slobbing on someone else’s knob all the time. Oh! SICK BURN! ...also true.”

Then I would most likely mime the aforementioned action by pressing my tongue into my cheek repeatedly in time with hand motions directed toward my open mouth. After which, she’d probably reference the one time I was ass raped. It’s our own brand of vicious cycle.

Anyway...whining. So it bothers me. And do you know when it’s particularly irritating? When men do it.

Yeah, I said it.

There’s the ever popular I want sex whine. “C’mon baby...you know you want to. C’monnnn!”

Listen, jackass. I told you I’m riding the cotton pony and it isn’t going to happen. Period. Times two. (But if I happen to cave just a little bit and end up giving you a blowjob, but stopping ¾ of the way through because goddamn it my jaw hurts, and you decide you want to go all high school and titty fuck me well...just know you’re going to be paying for it later.)

Real men don’t whine. They break headboards with their bare hands and shave their balls with straight razors. Or something like that.

Recently I was introduced to a new form of whining. We’ll call it the “I don’t actually know you, but...” whine. It’s really popular on the online dating scene.

Over the course of the last few months, I’ve come across several of these guys. I’ll start talking to them, emailing them or messaging them. Everything will be copasetic; we’ll be getting to know each other...then BLAM! The whining starts.

“If you don’t want to talk to me just say so.”

“I’ve had my heart broken too many times.”

“It’s been an hour...why aren’t you responding?”

“Merry Christmas! I hope you remember that it’s about the birth of Jesus!” - Ok that one wasn’t whining, but I had to share it anyway. This guy...is getting his own post. It’s going to be a doozy.

“Fine. I see how it is. Just delete my number.”

“No...don’t. Tell me what’s wrong?!”

Honestly, I don’t understand how or why I end up talking to these guys. The first and second time it happened I just stopped responding to their messages. After the third time, I lost it.

“Not only are you a big fat whiner, but you’re also a psycho.”

And he said, “You’re a bitch”.

And I said, “I’m betting you have mother issues so I’m going to forgive you for that one. But you’re still a whiner.”

And he said, “Fuck you, cunt.”

And that’s when a vessel popped in my forehead and I said, “I usually don’t mind that word. In fact, I use it quite often. But the blatant hostility in your response makes that too far, motherfucker. Too far.”

And he said, “C.U.N.T.”

And I said, “You know what, I apologize. You’re right. I’ve been terrible to you. Can we start over?”

And he said, “Really??”

And I said, “HAHA! Pussy!”

Then I congratulated myself by blocking his number, taking a Xanax, and sketching out a design for a new t-shirt:



49 comments:

Big Daddy Cool said...

Cunt and Pussy in the same post. Well Played. Happy Freaking New Year....

theTsaritsa said...

Whining children is one thing, but whining potential dates? Ugh, fuck no... Don't they know that whining like that just makes them seem desperate and pathetic? Grow a set, fellaz!!

I'm a crier. It sucks, but I'm working on it.

Vapor said...

The question I have is where do you draw the distinction between bitching and whining?

IT IS ALLY said...

Oh my God, I HATE the Sex Whine so much. You know what is worse, though? The Anal Sex Whine. Nothing says 'appealing' like a grown man behaving like a three-year-old who wants an iceblock because he can't put his penis where he wants. Sigh. There are SO many irritating sex whines.

p.s. "Show me a person that isn’t, in some way, a hypocrite and I’ll show you my breasts." is a very good sentence. Happy New Year when we get to it!

Nari said...

I too, hate whiners AND of course, pedestrians. I live in Las Vegas so pedestrians have become the bain of my existence.

In order to deal with the whining of my children and my Hubby, I have concluded that I can no longer hear whining. I will just go about my business until words can be formed by the whiner without rolling their notes like an off key gospel singer.

Also, I have concluded that I can't see stupid pedestrians. This decision has caused some damage to my front bumper and my insurance rates but it is SO worth it.

BROWNBUGZ said...

I just fell in love with your blog. Maybe it's because of the sex whining part. Bahaha. No seriously, it is irritating to have whiners around. I think I whine to myself sometimes, but I mostly rant or vent. I try not to whine. Your post is a great reminder not to do so.

www.brownbugz.blogspot.com

Pam said...

For the one that asked what the line was between bitching and whining--its witching...you yell steadily in one octave or with the tone of Satan. This is a hilariously funny post; bravo for writing it!

Baglady said...

You capture speech so perfectly. Am always impressed by that (bitch).

The tap tap tap or click click click (Mr Manbag does that. And several very senior people have had their heads bitten off by me for doing that. Fuckers) drives me insane.

Not having kids so am hoping I can escape the whining (though the sex begging whining I am familiar with. It comes with a healthy dose of emotional blackmail in our house).

Kelsey, but you can call me Minx said...

I love the trickery at the end. I now want to get into an argument purely for the opportunity to turn around and call him a pussy.

who said...

I am confused, do you mean you all films produced by TOXXXIC are not to your liking? or just the Backseat Drivers series? or just the first Backseat Drivers? certainly there is a few scenes in BSD II that don't rub you wrong?

write?

What was he screaming after he called you a cunt?

usually they don't see it coming, and immediately after I tell them I had better not here anymore coherent words and that he has two three seconds to get the fuck out.

and then I hit him again at the count of two.

it's not really as bad as it sounds because typically when I get to "Two" and they're still slumped over trying to stop the blood from his broken nose, by the time I count two is when they yell,

"I can't fuckin see!"

and not two seconds ago i said clear instructions and so after one more much gentler and to either side of his ribs I reassure him

"yes, have you EVER been able to see after your nose is broken that bad until the blood flow slows?"

you'd think he never called a woman a cunt before with another man within ear-shot unless she specifically requests such language, and even then I would make sure everyone first knew it was a term of endearment.

:) it's almost a knew year otra worldly One

and I am just teasing you


I hate movies by TOXXXIC too,

Danielle said...

I hate the whines of men too! And you are right it does seem to happen in the world of online dating.......and they honestly wonder why they're single.

Paige said...

hahahahaha pussy! classic.

Didactic Pirate said...

Well played with the online whiner.

With my daughter, it's not just the whining itself -- it's the high pitch of the whine. If she whined in a lower octave, maybe I wouldn't want to drive a spike into my ear when she does it.

ladytruth said...

I love it! Getting the last word and totally wiping his whining-ass face with the floor: PRICELESS! Wait, whining + ass + face? Nah, I still like it.

Philip said...

I shout at the radio a lot, I don't whine much, and would never put a sharp object anywhere near them.

The Mad Fat Girl said...

Haha..great post! I'm a venter too and for some reason, people LOVE whining to me...and I CANT. STAND. them...hoping you somehow manage to gain new levels of tolerance for all the whining 'coz apparently THEY are not stopping. Happy new year!

Sharon Longworth said...

And I'm just left with my self-esteem in tatters, wondering why Philip doesn't whine much - and what is it about me that doesn't make him want to whine more...

Great post.

Bth said...

Oh, you make me wee myself laughing. I love the way YOU write.
My GOD. Whining in children *shudder* - but perhaps could be forgiven as they're cute when they're asleep. Men? Not so cute. On the internet? I've never seen the like.

Judearoo said...

That is one of the funniest posts I've read in ages.

Bravo. Oh bravo. :)

Danger Boy said...

Great post. I scoured for a non-hypocrite, but all I could think of was babies. Too cute for hypocrisy, and lacking in language skills. ;)

My hypocrisy on whining is when I'm ill. I devolve to my inner 4 year old. "I'm siiiiiiiiiick pity meeeeee".

Sex whine is bs. Suck it up, men, we've got opposable thumbs.

e.f. bartlam said...

Ha Ha Ha Ha...great job there at the end.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ms. Ryterski said...

I've never laughed so much in my life! This was a great start to my day. Good post!

Starlight said...

Great post! I admit - I have my whining days. I think we all have bad (whining) days and we have to forgive each other. If we don't whine TOO MUCH...
One thing it's really irritating is the tap tap tap or click click click which Mr. Starlight does all the time (actually, he's doing it in this very moment!!! click click click!!!!) but I'm forgiving him for that...

Bella said...

omfg i laughed so hard at the end i think i peed a little.

Mollie said...

Happy New Year kiddo. Can't wait for the next installment. Tenterhooks.

CkretsGalore said...

Yaooowch..shaving balls with a straight razor?! hahah Awesome.

Happy New Year Chickie!

runawaybride said...

ha ha ha..even i cant stand whiers, especially when the start speaking in a shrill voice.
i loved this post!
happy new year 2011.

P.S. Check my blog.. you 've won an award.

Justlittlecajunme said...

If this is any help, your daughter will grow out of the whining. It seems like forever but just tell her to stop, don't respond until she stops. Its hard but it worked with mine.

Ahh dating online..Been there done that...Good Luck. P.S. Did find a keeper though :).

Just Plain Tired said...

Some guy really said,“It’s been an hour...why aren’t you responding?”

That's amazing to me, in an uncool way naturally. I'm not a fan of whiners myself.

Happy New Year... and stuff!

e.f. bartlam said...

Where does losing the lynch-pin of your offense two plays into a game fit in the list of peeves...that was a tough one last night.

Kristy Lautner said...

LMFAO! So absolutely true! I personally think men are the biggest whiners, well with the exception of my oldest daughter...when she wasn't whining growing up, she would hold her breath until she passed out! She is nearly 19 now and hates me...way to go mom, job well done:)

Library girl said...

Ah-hahahahahahagg ... haggg... *cough* *wheeze* *gasp*
Damn, that's the best laugh I've had in a while. I would so buy and wear that t-shirt!
Hope you had a Happy New Year celebration and look forward to more brilliant posts in 2011

ProSanity said...

"Can we start over?"
"Really??"
"HAHA! Pussy!"

Made.my.night.

Oddball Art Co. said...

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Have a fantastic day!

Eric said...

Haha, good stories there about the childish passive/aggressive stuff.

This is why I laugh in horror when reading old posts from DateWrecks and such. There are some messed up people out there.

Maryx said...

Ooooohhhh I'm totally with you on the whining pet peeve! (I call it a Pity-Party and it annoys the living daylight out of me!)

Love this post! Brilliant!

Ed said...

I find it hilarious that you tried to distinguish a difference between Whining, Bitching, Crying, and Venting.

It's all a matter of perspective.

A better label would be "womanly".

Ha.

Castmana said...

I'm a venter too. It would all be OK if every other human being on the planet would just go away. Forever.

.. said...

AHAHA BRAVO! That was a good one.

Not the Hero said...

I hate whiners. The criers, venters, and bitchers they can get grating as well, that is generally when they get to close to the whining line.

However my nerves disapear just about instantly when they combine any of the above.

bitch - angry sarcastic
Cry - emotion too intense to contain fluids
Whine - you did a good job defining that one.
Vent - Just needs to get it out.

Bitchy Crying - Confusing to everyone.

Bitchy venting - usually just comes across as shallow

Bitchy whining - I black out when this happens so i can't define it.

Cry whine - Pathetic...

Cry Vent - Ok I get it you think your fat, just hurry up and stop crying and eat your ice cream.

Whine Vent - I just stop listening.


Wait let's start over.

Really.

HAHA Pussy... I love you I think...


Read my blog I'm going over the rules of dating from personal experiences.

Nameless said...

Fucking love this post. I agree :: No fucking whining allowed....anywhere. Otherwise, go to your fucking room and shut the damn door. No one likes a whiner.

www.wiredwriter.wordpress.com
www.whatisbutmaynotbe.wordpress.com

Sally-Sal said...

Milkman. Milkman.

I'm pretty sure we've dated some of the same men.

You'll probably get some photoshopped pictures of you, some guy, and his poor, embarassed dog. Count on it :)

Pam said...

Hi--I wanted you to know that I voted for your blog today for the 2011 Bloggie Award, in the category of HUMOR...your blog deserves to be recognized. Good Luck. my blog is also entered in the writing category. If you haven't voted maybe you like my blog enough to consider voting too.
Happy New Year!

caterpillar said...

I hate adult whiners....I can manage to sit through the first ten minutes but after that, I lose it completely...

C.Leigh said...

I love your sense of humor. Your blog is so entertaining to read. I'm still getting there :) Also, congrats on being a Blog of Note!

http://cleighslittlelife.blogspot.com

Drew Benn said...

haha I love it! Great to see a fellow 'ventor' who has such style!

courtneypaige said...

the sarcasm in this is beautiful.
taylor swift jr.
simply stunning.
(:

daemoneon said...

hahahahaha .... Freaking hilarious!! thank you ;D

IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY said...

hahaha hilarious...