Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Dear madam,

Every time I look into your eyes I can’t help but think, “My god, those are gorgeous. Like the golden brown of a perfectly baked pound cake.” And while it’s safe to say that I notice the imperfections – one eye just a shade larger than the other, the scar over your left brow, the occasional dark circles – they don’t make me love you any less. In fact, sometimes when you look less than your best, I think of you as a tragic figure in a novel, that’s been hurt and is in need of tender love and care.

A tragic figure in general, actually...if I’m honest. When I really stop to think about some of the hardships you’ve gone through, it nearly brings me to tears. And is there anything more romantic than tragedy? I daydream about your rescue. About your sudden lottery win, your unexpected discovery and ascent to the top of the best seller lists, your immense sexual satisfaction from the person you want most, and the eradication of Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion and shower gel. All things I know would make you immeasurably happy. I’d give them to you if I were able.

Adoring you isn’t easy, though. I’ve always been worried about what other people would think were they to find out just how involved we really are. It’s not that I’m ashamed of you exactly, but it would be nice if you could behave yourself. Gallivanting around, throwing yourself at people that don’t understand you and appreciate you the way I do...well, it just doesn’t help matters. But it’s time for everyone to know that, for better or worse, it’s the two of us. And you must face it as well – it’s far too late for that “let’s just be friends” line. I love you.

I love the way you wrap your wet hair in a towel, even though you know it’s going to keep coming loose, causing you to curse and flip upside down repeatedly. I love the way you curse, actually – the way you say fuck out loud where everyone can hear, but mutter “darn” to yourself, then get angry because darn is such a pussy sort of word and you’re no pussy. I love the way you walk around the house brushing your teeth, bent slightly at the waist and leaning out so that no toothpaste lands on your shirt...yet it always does.

I love the way you make faces in the bathroom mirror, alternately attempting to look serious and seductive. It’s rarely the latter, but that’s ok because I don’t need you to seduce me. Our love making is perfunctory and that’s as it should be. Our relationship is about deeper emotions and commitment, not finger strokes in the dark (Well, sometimes in the afternoon when you’re stressed. Don’t ever say I don’t take care of your needs.).

I’ve never much liked mouth breathers, but I can’t deny it’s slightly endearing when you watch movies with your jaw lowered like a drawbridge, completely oblivious to anything else. Your lips are a bit too thin and your nose a bit too pointy, but you have simply marvelous tits. I know you’re well aware of this since you’re often seen shaking one or both of them at people...even me, which just makes me laugh.

I love that you often have to remind yourself to make eye contact when meeting someone new – because after some workshop years ago it was stressed that people take you more seriously if you do. Yet consequently, you end up over thinking the whole thing and staring at them in a rather intense, creepy way. I love the way you mingle at parties – staying close to the alcohol and the people you know until you’ve had just enough, plus maybe an Adderall, then making your way around the room introducing yourself like a politician. You’d be a shit politician, by the way.

Your ego is an issue. You have a bit of a problem with thinking everything is about you...all the time. When there’s a nameless insult, you automatically think it’s directed at you. And when there’s a period of silence, you automatically assume you caused it. This is more prevalent on Twitter, but it shows up in other social areas as well. For instance, you tend to believe that every man that smiles at you wants your vagina, even though I’ve told you a million times that isn’t necessarily the case. Those could be pity smiles, my dear. You’ve taken to leaving the house without makeup quite frequently over the past year. Still, I can’t help but admire you in spite of your navel gazing.

In spite of a lot of things, really. Your nose picking habit...in fact, your habit of constantly mentioning your nose picking habit. Your tendency to be louder than 85% of the planet – your voice carries, there’s no need to shout. Your abysmal finances, your refusal to take care of your car or learn how do anything with it other than drive (changing the oil is, I hear, not that difficult), your complete lack of patience, and your uncanny ability to drive people far, far away.

But let’s not dwell on your faults any longer.

My love for you is like a Kamikaze pilot - proudly plummeting toward a target, intent on going out with a bang. We’re perfect for each other. And as long as you’ll let me care for you, I promise I’ll never try to cut you or get you arrested (for anything larger than a misdemeanor), and to let you have sex with whomever you want (provided you haven’t been on an all night drinking binge). Because that’s what a real relationship is all about – trust, sharing, honesty, and the avoidance of herpes.

Always love,

Yourself

51 comments:

The Lissst! said...

Dear Calling People Names,

I love that you would write about your perfectly pound cake eyes, your ego, the simple truth that "Darn" is in fact a pussy word. All in all, I love that you write. You are and will always be simply; Fucking Funny.

jerrod said...

One of the best self love letters I've read. Genuine and honest. And I'm sure you know about self love.

Sinner.

Danger Boy said...

Just marvelous. We should all be so good to ourselves.

Sharon Longworth said...

Absolutely fantastic. Gobsmackingly so. Words fail me - I may have to come back and comment again properly another time.

Kimmie said...

This is awesome! I love the way you write...

Philip said...

A love letter to yourself. You did it well. I don't know where I'd start with myself. Job well done. I can see you in front of the mirror doing this.

Baglady said...

I love this. Wonderful details.


Though I am bitterly disappointed at the same time. I thought I was in there.

Sally-Sal said...

Only you would be able to come up with a letter that highlights some of your best attributes and still remain amazingly humble.

I fucking love you, Aly.

JUST ME said...

Such a fabulous, fabulous letter. Truly. Something every person on the PLANET should do at some point.

Not the Hero said...

You're amazing. This letter made me want to love you for your little quirks. I think this should be mandatory for everyone to do.

My favorite part "...that’s what a real relationship is all about... the avoidance of herpes."

Ally said...

Wow, that was amazing. <3 it!

magnolia said...

funny and touching, and extraordinarily well-timed for my life. thanks for writing this.

Bth said...

Amazing post. I utterly love this. Very you. Very funny. And as always with your posts - beautifully honest.

caterpillar said...

Wonderful writing....once in a while, all of us need these kinds of letters written..I enjoyed reading this post...mwuaaah...

Gwen said...

Until I saw your letter's closing I thought you'd gotten my eye color wrong. U so awesome.

Travel Nurse Extraordinaire said...

This is friggen awesome :)

Robbie Grey said...

And this is what narcissism is all about...

This was fantastic. I chuckled quite a bit.

David Henderson said...

That reminds me...... I need to get a lotto ticket.

Oh, and nice write up. Always love the one you're with.

Esmerelda said...

I need to do this because often, I relive only the most humiliating points of my life. Like when I invited all the moms out to dinner and made introductions and forgot a mom's name. Or when I was rocking back and forth with my hands on my bikini top and flashed the entire public pool. I forget to love my quirks.

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

F'ing awesome!!!

Neecie said...

beautiful

Neecie said...

beautiful

runawaybride said...

Oh my... This is just so so so awesome.
I love your style, love your writing and now i love you.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Yes but are you going to marry yourself like Jane Lynch on GLEE? :)

I want golden pound cake eyes, goddamn it. Give them to me. I'll give you some light blue, light sensitive ones in return. No? Damn.

Maryx said...

I am speechless. This is absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing. I needed this.

Nameless said...

Damn I love this. One of the best things I've read in months.

--wiredwriter

invagrantly said...

really cool! totally unexpected too!

Ed said...

You dirty dirty girl.

I think we all know what you meant by "pound cake eyes".

No?

Just me?

*backs away slowly with head down*

Maxine said...

The last part where you signed, "Yourself", took my breath away. I love this, thank you!

Shopgirl said...

really beautifully written and it's so you.

Amber said...

Yay confidence! Have a great week.

ladytruth said...

It takes some courage to talk to yourself in public, but putting it down in words for over a 1000 followers to read it: you're my new hero :) You know when you read a good book and the plot just hits you straight between the tits and you can't stand it anymore so you just want to flash to the last page and find out how it ends? Yeah, this was that book for me. And what a great end it was. The climax on this blog is seriously the best. Thanks for my daily fix ;)

Energy said...

I am new to the land of blogging. You display a refreshing take on ones' self. Nose picker!!

v8grrl said...

Perfect...as if I had written it to myself....

this is a perfect writing project...
:)

Kristy Lautner said...

Perfectly wonderful! I don't know what I ever did before discovering this blog!

Darling Devi said...

Very lovely. I was trying to guess who you were writing about and I never considered that it was going to be yourself.
I may have to attempt my own version.

Nari said...

A love letter that any woman would enjoy receiving...and one that every woman should write.

Although, yours is skillfully authored and one of a kind.

Eric said...

The eye contact bit was great! Mmm golden brown poundcake.
Women with curly hair and thin lips rule.

swati said...

absolutely awesome :) , loved every part of it and fact it was written for you by you :)

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Dammit woman, this was beautiful. (I too love the pound cake eyes!)

Funny that I just wrote about a post about loving myself...I think I need to rework it....like NOW!

Brock - http://whatafa.blogspot.com/ said...

Brilliant :)

I envy the love and acceptance you have for yourself.

You don't achieve that over night, so congratulations for getting to the point that you can openly critique yourself in such an endearing manner.

zanyzigzag said...

Absolutely amazing, am about to tweet this to my followers, thankyou v much for sharing your thoughts with so many people:)

Fortunes Fool said...

I gave you an award today! <3


http://fourtunesfool.blogspot.com/2011/01/im-weiner.html

"M" said...

very well written!

Stocker said...

I absolutely adored this post! Love the style, the topic, the laughs. It was literary genius. I'm now an avid follower.

http://amystocker.blogspot.com/

almost loved said...

hahaha.

Trish said...

Amazing.

LuvPepper said...

this. was. AWESOME.
if you liked this blog, you might like mine...
http://afraidofdinosaurs.blogspot.com

Annah said...

Fabulous!!!!!!!!! I think I heart you now :)

At first I thought this letter was about me. I have a scar on my left brow too.

christy said...

This makes me happy. Extremely happy, in fact.

BrightenedBoy said...

This is honest, funny, and beautiful.

A bit like you, I suspect.